Telling others, or why I'm sick of my grandmother.

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First off, some background. I'm a twenty year old undiagnosed aspie, and until about five months ago I had heard the word 'Asperger's' only once before, and it was offered up with no context; no explaination. One day in my meanderings across Wikipedia I came across their article on AS. I was shocked, it was as though someone had reached into my head and pulled out most of my personality and posted it online. My lack of relationships with other people, my weird obsessions, my sensitivity to certain sounds and shades of light that never seemed to bother anyone else, even my incomprehensable (to everybody but me) habit of picking at anything on my skin, often to the point of bleeding. There were links and I followed them, the formal diagnostic criteria from the DSM-IV and other researchers, writings from other people with AS; all of it sounded so familiar, like they were talking about things I had lived through, eventualy it led me here, again more stories, most of them familiar. At first I was very excited "surely," I thought to myself "this is a redefinition of who I am, things will change!" well, not quite, though clarifying certain aspects of my life it remained what it was before- I'm still a depressed twenty year old high school dropout with an inability to find or hold onto a job, which led me to trying to talk to my family, who might hopefuly offer up some help.

At first I tried talking to my aunt, a semi-neutral party seemed like a safe bet at the time. Unfortunately, my aunts main concern is herself and though willing to share her problems with others, she's generaly uninterested in hearing their problems in return. Ok.. it didn't go well, but it didn't go that badly either, so I decided, yesterday, to continue and talk to my grandmother, which is when things started going badly. In general, I'm quite bad at conversation, I'm at my best when I'm writing and able to think long and hard about what I'm going to say before I say it and this was no exception, I basically started off by accusing her and my mother of emotional neglect, Which (though true from my perspective) was definitely NOT the way to start that discussion. Anyway after making an ass out of myself for ten minutes I got around to the point, I told her point blank that I had Asperger's. She told me I didn't; although she is a nurse with considerable expertise in her field, that field is not mental health and at this point I've been reading everything I can find on the 'net about AS for five months, so I'm quite certain I know more about it than she does. So I then attempted to describe the characteristics and how they applied to me, but, as I said, verbal communication is not my forté so I was likely none too clear. However, clear or not, my assertion was dismissed out of hand by the claim that I was somehow 'lazy' and this was why my life is in the state that it is. So, next I decided to write down the entry for AS from the DSM IV in the hope that she would see the connection to my behavior- No joy, instead she claimed the entry was "fuzzy" and "could be applied to anyone" AAARRRGH.
So, I'm going to try this one more time before giving it up as a lost cause. I'm going to plan beforehand, write everything out, detail exactly how each symptom connects to how I behave, and get testimonials if I have to, and if that dosen't work... well, I guess I'll talk to my mom, hopefully she'll be slightly more receptive.
Any advice on this whole mess would be greatly appreciated.

Grandma thinks you're lazy? Big deal!

You need a professional assessment. Talk about your problems with a consultant in your area, and they'll set you up with a psychiatrist. If you have asperger's, he/she will diagnose you, and then you can rub it in your grandma's face!

I agree -- you should get a professional assessment. In some ways, your grandmother is right -- many of the characteristics for Aspergers in the DSM IV seem as if they could apply to anybody -- but when all or most of them apply to one person, you really do see where it's a big red arrow pointing right at your head.

I have a 20 year old undiagnosed Aspie, and most of the time, he doesn't seem that Aspie. But under certain circumstances, it's blaringly obvious that he is. Our 10 year old is diagnosed, and it's very obvious all the time with him, but I'm sure most people in my family would deny that the 20 year old has this AS thing. The thing is, the very people who might deny it are people who may have AS as well. It could make those who have some of the characteristics as well feel very uncomfortable to think that you have it, i.e. if you have it, they just might have to face the fact that THEY have it as well.

If you could manage to get in to see a professional and have this checked out, it would lay it to rest with those who would dispute your claim.

Kris

T-rav20,

I HATE psychiatrists! If I didn't have AS, I would be like your grandmother thinking "YEAH RIGHT"! WHO CARES what she thinks? I don't know about you, but there are aspects of my character that only I know about. People look at the black box you present, and try to GUESS.

Steve

Along with going to a professional, also take the Aspie quiz someone posted here.
http://wrongplanet.net/modules.php?name ... a217b2a3ff

It's very insightful and will give you a number out of 200 which may make you happy if you are into statistics. Have your grandmother take it too if you can. I was more surprised about some of the questions asked than about my actual answers, for I answered 'yes' to things I never thought anyone would ask me.

I had a similar response from my mother and my boyfriend, even after getting a DX from someone specializing in Adult AS.It was very disappointing because I thought the information would help them understand me and finally appreciate how hard I had worked to get as far as I have, instead of seeing me as a 43 year old slacker.I sent my mom a web link to describe AS,I doubt she read or understood it,as she has never been intellectualy curious.Why is it so much easier for them to believe we are lazy,selfish,clummsy/careless on "purpose",airheaded and spaced out through lack of self discipline...then brain wired differently.

I really thought my mom would be relieved to find out that it was not "her fault" that I was so "weird".Her response was that "you are very intelligent...you just dont use it".....(well how smart is that?To have an asset,I dont put to use.)

I'm trying to get a Dx now, but the very idea would never have been tolerated during my mother's lifetime. Really. And the ties were so strong that I never did get away, although I saw that I had to. It might be common that relatives go into denial. Anyway, I hope you get support. Having AS *and* cutting the ties that bind is hard, but it can (and must) be done.