Not fitting in socially...

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Joined: 26 Mar 2011
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25 Dec 2013, 1:17 am

Also I am not well known for being able to explain myself all that well it seems as I often cant' get people to understand what I mean. it does not help that I have to leave details out, otherwise people complain about the verbosity of my posts.

Also I can be a indecisive. Its why my housework never gets done without a routine (well partly). Even if I try to start a task I spend so long standing there umming and arring and faffing over how best to go about it, I eventually give up and go do something more entertaining instead. Ergo I have had chores that need doing sitting there waiting for months now.

Every so often I take a stab at it but without my routines I am too faffy to get anywhere.

My therapists always want to make my routines more flexible...ummm this just results in yet more faffing and indecision on my part as I have keep deciding how best to go about my routine this time to compensate for sudden change I was not expecting.

This could take some time and the tasks in question are not going to get done...

Its all really hard to explain without writing a book.

There are other reasons I don't like my routines messed with and its another thing that affects me socially.

auntblabby
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25 Dec 2013, 1:18 am

one is better off alone than stuck with people who don't understand.

bumble
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25 Dec 2013, 1:22 am

auntblabby wrote:

one is better off alone than stuck with people who don't understand.

I think that might be true...

It's not like I am not happy living alone for example. I don't actually want to live with anybody, but some company now and then would be nice. Just now and then not for days or hours on end.

It is just frustrating, as I want to socialise then I don't cope with it when i do.

auntblabby
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25 Dec 2013, 1:33 am

it takes a high amount of compatibility to be able to live with somebody. I for one seem not to be compatible with anybody else, at least in close-quarters.

bumble
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25 Dec 2013, 5:17 am

auntblabby wrote:

it takes a high amount of compatibility to be able to live with somebody. I for one seem not to be compatible with anybody else, at least in close-quarters.

Living alone most definitely has it's benefits. I have tried to live with people several times and it never works well for me. I decided long ago that if I ever had a relationship it would be a non traditional one and they won't be living me with me (unless they are unrealistically compatible with me).

I like living alone though. I like the space it gives me especially as I don't like the company of humans 24 hours a day.

ASPartOfMe
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25 Dec 2013, 5:55 pm

Hang in there Bumble. The holidays will be over in 8 days. The holidays are very stressful for a lot of people for a lot of reasons.

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Ashariel
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25 Dec 2013, 7:56 pm

I'm hopeless at socializing too, but I've come to accept that it's okay to be "wierd". Socializing (in real life) just isn't my thing, and I'd rather spend my time doing things I find more enjoyable!

lammiu
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25 Dec 2013, 11:35 pm

em_tsuj wrote:

I can definitely relate to your frustration. I feel the exact same way every time I get rejected by someone socially. I assume it is my fault and that no one will ever love me or accept me or I feel like I ruined another relationship by being mean or thoughtless. I am often at a place emotionally where I think the solution is to interact with people as little as possible. Then I get suicidal thinking about 50 or 60 years of isolation and loneliness.

When people say you are weird, they are saying you don't act like a normal person and it makes them uncomfortable. I think the answer as to why people think you are weird is that you are autistic and cannot pick up on the social cues and the unwritten social rules. Even if you did, you wouldn't follow them because they don't make sense to you. You think differently.

The good news is that you can learn from your social mistakes. Also, not everyone considers being a weird person to be a felony offense punishable by death. Some people don't mind weird people. Some people even love weird people. I'm weird and people like me and even love me. I am the one that gets bent out of shape worrying that I will make a social mistake. Usually I don't, but when I do, I beat myself up unmercifully.

I'm sorry everything is going the way it is for you right now, but I think things will be get better for you. I also share your anger at how unfair it is that we have to struggle so hard and change who we are just to get by when other people don't have to struggle so hard to have social relationships.

That's great Em_Tsuj, I found what you go through the same thinking process as myself and your description and Willard's, describe deeply what I have thought through. It's great to have a few people truly relate and understand my own bad experience.

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LastSanityJermaine
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26 Dec 2013, 12:09 am

I find most people to be superficial and up their own arse so I'm saving myself the trouble of not being social

bumble
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26 Dec 2013, 8:39 am

LastSanityJermaine wrote:

I find most people to be superficial and up their own arse so I'm saving myself the trouble of not being social

I remember once wanting to use any intelligence and ability I had to help people.

Years of abuse later and not only am I losing the will to want to help others but I feel like I am becoming as critical of difference as they are.

I used to try and reason my way through things, now I feel like I am fighting some kind of war between myself and the rest of the world, all because I am not the social butterfly they think I should be.

I want to go down to my local pub to get out today, but want to go there for coffee and to sit and read (no cafe near me or I'd skip the pub and go to that and most cafes are closed today anyway along with the fact no public transport is running). I can't, however, because they want to chit chat. I appreciate their being friendly but I sometimes want to be around other humans without having to interact with them, which they find confusing.

It makes people think I am being snotty or unfriendly when all I wanted to do was go out somewhere and read (don't always like being stuck in the house, especially as my place needs decorating).

I don't know how to cope with their world of gossip, snark, one upmanship and bizarre social games. They are not as necessary as they seem, people are just made to believe they are.

LastSanityJermaine
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26 Dec 2013, 3:59 pm

bumble wrote:

LastSanityJermaine wrote:

I find most people to be superficial and up their own arse so I'm saving myself the trouble of not being social

I think it's mainly their insecurity and inferiority/superiority complexes that created all these stupid social games. I can definitely relate to wanting to be around people but not socialize with them, my parents are really at the point where they're willing to point a gun at my head just to make me socialize by force. Yet the complain about how my siblings bring their friends over too much or go out too much.

lammiu
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28 Dec 2013, 12:56 am

LastSanityJermaine wrote:

LastSanityJermaine, I think you're very bright at age of 17 to identity and understand the inferiority/superiority complexes. I think most of us also suffers from inferiority/superiority complexes without ourselves even aware of it. The inferiority/low self-esteem during social situations is caused by bad experience and past failures due to the AS condition. The superiority esp. in the areas of our specialty is just a compensation mechanism to compensate the feeling of inferiority. I think NT/Aspie both should make effort to be able to fit in socially, that's a constructive thought pattern. I know it is much more difficult for us, but with so many books, free professional counselling and tools available nowadays for us to pick up the social skills, there is no excuse for us to stop learning and improving our skills. It's true that my social skills will never be as good as the social butterfly, however, I can at least make sure my behaviour won't hurt the feelings of others (NT or not) with the increased understanding of the social mechanism. So it's too black and white for us to think that we either give up trying to fit in or being miserable trying to fit in. Even a lot of the NT are also feeling socially awkward and trying their best to fit in to the social group. Not just Aspies!

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