A dirty bathroom and a frustrated Me

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I have some friends. I know, crazy, right? But I totally do. They invite me round sometimes to watch movies or play games or whatever and it's a lot of fun.

The thing is... uhm... they don't clean. Like, ever. I'm okay with clutter in general, because it's just clutter and I don't have to do anything mentally intense while I'm there. they don't mind if I stay quiet for hours or lecture on things or obsessively crochet.

The bathroom is the problem. It's horrible, absolutely filthy. I don't think they've ever cleaned it. I'm not picky about bathrooms normally; I have no problem using one at a gas station or at Wal-mart. But this bathroom...

I've started to dread going over there just because I know I'll be there long enough that I'll have to use that bathroom. I try not to drink anything so I won't have to use it, but of course then I end up thirsty and uncomfortable that way...

If that were me I'd want to be told that my dirty bathroom was annoying visitors. But the problem is, I've been over there about a half-dozen times now and I only mentioned it once, and only in terms of, "Whoever cleans that bathroom is being awfully lazy". If I mention to them that the bathroom actually bothers me to the point that I dread using it, they're going to feel really bad about having left it dirty. Or they're going to feel offended, like I'm telling them they're horrible hosts. One of the guys especially cares very much about being a good host.

I've been actually daydreaming about bringing my cleaning supplies and scrubbing that bathroom. I kid you not. I want to get the gunk off the sink and make the toilet sparkle and throw away the trash... But that would be even worse. It would insult them to see me cleaning their bathroom.

What the heck do I do? Do I just have to live with it? Is it too late to ask them to clean their bathroom, because then they'd know how much it bothers me? Or would it offend or anger them if I asked them, because it would mean I am trying to tell them how to keep their apartment?

How dirty is this bathroom, eggsacly? Is it as bad as a public bathroom in a third world country? If not, I would just live with it, while not letting my open cuts touch things to contract mrsa or something.

Wow. What a predicament. There is no easy way to say "Clean your bathroom."

I've found myself in similar predicaments where it came to me either biting my tongue or just saying what's on my mind. I think I used to say stuff like "You know, a little all-purpose cleaner does wonders for your bathroom." They were probably still insulted anyway but that's how it is for us aspies. We can't help that.

The toilet is stained and crusted with... er, the things that usually go into a toilet. The sink is covered in grime and scum. There's trash everywhere and the floor is covered in hair and gunk and unidentifiable grime...

So yeah, it's pretty bad. Though I've never been to the third world, it's worse than any public restroom I have ever seen.

Personally I would go in with some bleach and rubber gloves and clean it myself. You'll be doing them a favor. I can't stand stuff like that. They will proabably not be offended. They don't seem to be all that bothered so I can't imagine they would be bothered about someone cleaning. I think they would probably be a little amused and just let you get on with it.

Personally, I would weigh up how much I like spending time with these people vs. how awful it is to go the said bathroom and either spend less time there so as not to need bathroom breaks or stop going there entirely. How can these people live with the bathroom that filthy, what is wrong with them?!

If it is that bad, I would definitely say something. Don't worry about insulting them, they need to know it's not acceptable.

I never liked bathrooms that were that disgusting they repulse me. My sister in law is one of them because she never cleans so her parents are always cleaning her house for her because they live together. But I still used them or it's holding it and I never like to hold it because I don't like the feeling.

I honestly don't know what to tell you since I would also feel too nervous to tell them their bathroom is disgusting and they should clean it before they invite anyone over for a visit or for a stay.

I know not everyone will be offended when you clean their house for them because I was once complaining about my dad's friends house being dirty (his carpets were a mess) and finally he said "I have a vacuum in the closet, you are free to clean my home if it bothers you that much" and I shut up and stopped complaining about it. Now I wonder if that was his way of getting me to be quiet and he didn't really mean what he said but even if I did actually do it, it would have been a bonus for him. I do think it's clever to tell someone if they are bothered by your home, they are free to clean it. That shuts them up. You choose to go to someone's home uninvited, their home is a mess and you don't like it, you complain, clean it if it bothers you that much or else shut up.

Besides it's proper etiquette to always clean your home when you have visitors over or have anyone staying. I don't expect anyone to have their home perfect like it's on the parade of homes, I expect it to just be clean but if it's revolting, I think they're lazy and don't care. How hard is it to clean a bathroom you know? All they need to do is scrub the sink and toilet and wipe around it and wipe it down using the cleaning stuff and sweeping the floor and washing it. It doesn't take long at all and emptying out the trash if it's full. But of a home is that disgusting I wouldn't even want to stay there over night and I don't have a problem saying their home is too dirty if they ask me why or try and beg me to come. I see it as if they want people to come over or stay, they need to at least clean their home so people will want to come over. It's more of a consequence for them if they don't ever clean it so if they want people to want to come over or stay, then they have to clean it so they will want to come. If your own friends don't care and wouldn't care if you never wanted to go over there again because of their bathroom, I would think they find their bathroom more important than their friend and that isn't the kind of friend I would want.

They sound like people I wouldn't want to be around.

I noticed that there are a lot of people who have no problem living in filth, it's probably completely natural to them to use a bathroom like this and they don't think that others might have problems with filth.

I think if you grow up in filth, it's normal to you and not disgusting so you don't know any different. I grew up in a clean house so filth is disgusting to me and I don't feel like I am at home or feel homey in it. It baffles me how people can live that way so I always think if they grew up that way, it's normal to them so they don't know any different.

Unfortunately, I don't what would be best for you to do either, because so much depends upon the individuals involved and the relationships you have with them.

Your hint might not have worked because it doesn't actually say anything about your discomfort. Your friends might not care if you think they are lazy cleaners (since they don't know it bothers you and everybody has different standards...so your hint might have gone into their heads and been filtered through a "to each their own" thought), or they might not even know what in particular about their bathroom makes you say that.

I think hints work best when they are as specific as possible, and about the person giving the hint rather than the person being hinted at; In this case, that might mean mentioning how uncomfortable you are with very unclean bathrooms, and what kind of "unclean" (e.g. describe the toilet, the sink) but in a general way where you aren't mentioning your friends or their bathroom at all. So...one idea about how to do that is, if you've ever had to use (or decided not to use) another bathroom for reasons similar to why you don't want to use your friends' bathroom, tell them the story about that bathroom and cross your fingers that they will match the description you gave with their own washroom.



I think that even if you had asked them to clean their bathroom the first time you'd seen it, they would know it bothers you a lot because (at least in my social milieu) it's an unusual thing to ask.



Well, even if they did feel bad about having left the bathroom dirty because of how awful it is for you, wouldn't they feel better as soon as they'd cleaned it?

In terms of the "horrible hosts" thing...if you're really worried about that, one way to try to prevent that is to mention, explicity, anything you can about how the guys are good hosts and how much you appreciate the ways they are good hosts. Sort of like, "You guys do [x] [y] [z] which makes me very happy/comfortable/[whatever] and I enjoy visiting you a lot, but I have to tell you [about their bathroom]." Might help, might not -- but you'd be offering them reasons to think they are good hosts....balancing things out.



I don't know if it would offend or anger them, or how they would interpret you, but I think it couldn't hurt to be honest with them about how worried you are that they will think you are trying to tell them how to keep their apartment. Besides, there's a difference between asking somebody to do something to alleviate your discomfort and telling them how to do things....e.g. if you were always freezing cold at their house, asking them to turn up the heat when you come to visit because you're freezing would not be the same as telling them they always keep the heat too low and should have the thermostat higher.



I think they might be upset if you just started cleaning it without asking permission, but if you're going to tell them how you feel about their bathroom I don't think it would hurt to ask if they would allow you to clean it for them. Personally I would ask in a way that was more like, "Would you let me clean your bathroom?" rather than "Would you like help cleaning your bathroom?" .... I can't explain why, but I think it would be less likely to offend.

One option for surfaces that is sort of in-between asking to clean their bathroom, and just living with it, is to bring antiseptic wipes and "spot clean" whatever you need to touch -- even if you leave a few surfaces suspiciously shiny/grime-free, it's not like going in and scrubbing everything down, and they might not even notice. Another option is to just cover the toilet seat with toilet paper and use kleenex to touch faucets.

Ultimately, I think that your friends would probably rather be told about the bathroom situation than have you just stop visiting them. Surely your friendship is what's most important?

I know 2 people like this and it's a tricky situation. It's not just the bathroom in either case though it's the whole house. Personally I have never said anything about it (my kids have but to no avail!).
It doesn't look like they are going to take any kind of subtle hint about it so I think there are 2 options that should avoid causing offence. 1. Offer to do it for them. But make it seem like you want to help them out as they are such good hosts to you rather than because their bathroom is a health hazard. 2. Use the bathroom but hover over the seat and use hand sanitiser afterwards.

How about saying something like " your bathroom needs cleaning. Mind if I clean it?".
Or just bring a scrub brush and some Ajax and clean it before you use it. It's a health hazard.

papa and i don't do much cleaning ether.

A couple years ago I was staying with people for a week who had a really filthy bathroom.
I got visually distracted by it as I see every tiny detail and it is causing overload.
I took the handwashing-soap and cleaned it.
I did not know it was inappropriate or offensive to do it, but it was as my partner told me, as people told him it was offensive and he has autism himself, but I was not aware that it was offensive and my partner was not as well, as he did agree with my action.
But often I cannot clean myself for weeks because of executive dysfunction I guess, but I never invite people.