Ugh, saying more dumb things

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Someone crack me over the head with an anvil please?

So a dear friend gave my children gifts for Christmas. She told me she wanted to give clothes this year because, well I forget, but she had a seemingly logical and decent reason, and they were in very good taste. We were talking about raising kids with good sets of values and how I was trying to teach my son how to be gracious since he was angry that he got clothes as his gift. What a dumb thing that came out of my mouth, that seemed so logical at the time in the course of our discussion! Of course, my friend felt bad and I had to reassure her that they were amazing gifts and beautiful, but my son needed to learn to appreciate the effort people put into getting nice things for him, and I told her how I made up a fantastic story for him about the adventure she went on to get the very special gift, etc. etc. I feel really terrible about making my friend feel bad. It was a really stupid mistake. I know when I am comfortable with people I tend to edit myself less than I do with strangers, but at the moment it didn't seem like a bad thing to say, and I thought she would appreciate how I was trying to get my children to appreciate gifts other than toys. But it backfired, and now I have egg on my face. Maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought I have been after all.

Ouch, I hate it when things like that happen. I usually realise five seconds after I've said something stupid that it probably wasn't a good thing to say. If she's a close friend, she won't begrudge you one mistake. She knows you like the gifts, and it probably comes as a small surprise to know that children have less of an appreciation for "practical" gifts than adults do. If she has children, she'll know that their typical response to receiving clothes is disappointment.

I didn't realize that I said anything stupid until she looked very unhappy and apologized for getting them clothes. It just didn't occur to me that she would feel bad about it, because I assumed she would have known that young kids hate getting clothes for gifts, given she works with kids all the time!! ! I feel like a total idiot now.

Try not to beat yourself up about it. Everyone does stuff like that. I said to my friend yesterday (who is a nurse) that I hate it when you want to see a doctor and you JUST get the nurse Luckily she was really nice about it and said she knew what I meant to say as I attempted to back peddle.
I think you have done pretty well with your son if he managed to look happy with the gift at the time. My daughter said to my sister that she didn't even mind that she got her clothes because she got other stuff as well I had a chat to her about manners after that but tbh I'm not sure why people buy young kids clothes as gifts as they are always going to prefer toys.

Oh, those hypersensitive neurotypicals.

Who wouldn't know that at the very least, a child - especially a BOY child - is going to be unimpressed with clothing as a gift, when he's expecting fun stuff to play with. And you're right, he does need to grasp enough social decorum to understand that you should never appear ungrateful about any gift, whether it particularly thrills you or not.

Your friend didn't do anything wrong and you didn't say anything wrong. I try not to be uncaring and dismissive about people's feelings, but honestly, that's a tad over sensitive. The only time a little boy is going to get excited about getting clothing is when it's a cowboy outfit or a superhero costume.

It took me a few seconds while reading your post to actually figure out what the "dumb" comment was. I can say that I wouldn't have realized that that comment would be inappropriate.

Bah how many smart mistakes are there?
And how many people dont make mistakes?

One good thing about it is that you will probably be seen as someone who cannot lie. So I think your good opinions will also be taken as sincere.

No, I'm not doing well with my son. As soon as he saw the clothes in the bag, he threw them, stomped around, screaming and yelling about it at the top of his lungs how he HATES(! !!) getting clothes for his gifts. I have been trying to work with him on this, but not really managing to get anywhere with it.

The friend who gave the gifts wasn't there to see his reaction, but I was stupid enough I guess for telling her about it. I feel so incompetent as a parent and all else these days.

Hold up!

What are your friends perceptual challenges? Maybe this is not about you, but about her?

It's no secret that most boys are not interested in clothes as gifts. How does your friend no know this? The clothes were a gift to you, not your son. She really doesn't care what he wants, or how he feels, or she would have bought a toy, tool or equipment related to some interest of his.

Like jetbuilder, I did not understand the first time a read the post--actually it only took jetbuilder a few seconds, I had to reread it several times. Now that I get the dynamics seem way off kilter. Your boy reacted naturally. You were honest and not insulting. What the hell is she upset about???

I am trying to imagine the working of her mind on this:

Is she upset with you because you told her the HE didn't like it?
Is she upset with you because of his natural reaction? That's a bit nuts.

I don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe the issue was that you told her his view without also telling her how much you appreciated the gift.

"Thanks so much for the clothes for my boy! They are great! Of course, you know how it is with boys, he got very upset when he discovered they were not a toy. But it's a great teachable moment. I am taking the opportunity to help him understand graciousness and the importance of gestures of goodwill. It was so nice of you to think of him at all!"

If she expected you to make more remarks about how much you appreciated her gift, and those were missing, then it would make more sense for her to be upset. After all, her relationship is with you, not your son.

But it really doesn't sound like you did anything wrong or stupid.

I remember how when I was under 9 years old, I would cry when I got clothes! I wanted toys! So I thought your comment to your friend was funny and just fine. Why was she so sensitive? Geez....

That's brilliant ^^^.
Wow, kid, you're extremely wise for a 13 year old.

Thanks. That's me mimicking my grandpa

I realized this too, I had to re-read the OP two more times before I understood what the social blunder was

In my mind, it makes perfect sense to accept that children do not prize clothing as gifts, especially boys, but just as often girls. Heck, even adults often dislike clothing gifts if it is something they don't need or something that does not fit well. Personally I can fully understand about the OP's child thinking video games or toys are cooler, but I guess that's why I always screw up in social situations too

Even after re-reading it and "knowing" what the faux pas is, I still struggle to understand the actual logic of why this is something for OP's friend to get upset over. It reminds me of when I was a kid in the late 90s, the local skating rink (with an arcade and all sorts of stuff) was one of the cool places to have birthday parties and such, so I was there as a guest of another kid from my class. After the gifts were opened, the other boy was telling me about his glow in the dark dominoes set that he got and since it did not seem cool to me, all I could say was "So?" and all the parents acted like I just murdered a puppy, then my mom yelled at me a lot for not being polite. I still do not "get" why this was wrong, I realize it apparently made the kid feel bad, but why would my opinion of his gift affect his ability to enjoy it? He will enjoy it all the same, it just didn't impress me, I thought the Super Nintendo game he got was way cooler.

At the same roller rink at a girl's party, I thought I was doing the right thing by telling her that I got her the same Barbie that she had just opened. I thought I was working on my social skills and doing the right thing, then everyone got mad that I spoiled her present, but...why? She would go on to find out it was a duplicated gift anyway, why did it matter? I actually tried to apologize ahead of time by saying "I am sorry, we got you the same exact Barbie". This, again, was a gift-giving social failure that I still struggle to understand.

Obviously, my mom explained to me why these situations were problematic, but it didn't help me understand, because they didn't seem like logical reactions to what I did.