is marriage and parenthood tougher for us?

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is it more difficult to be a parent when you're on the spectrum? i never married or had kids, never wanted to, and i'm 48 and female. i need my time alone, my privacy.

Marriage and child rearing are pretty much at the top of the social ladder.

Meaning, out of reach for most with an ASD (being as the lower parts of the ladder are often so hard and unreachable...).

I can't see it happening in my life based on that alone.

I don't think there's anyway to know if it's tougher. But I'm glad to have had children and be a parent.

I sometimes think it is, because I know that as my daughter got older, she'd started noticing how I was "different" from other parents, and I think that embarrassed her a bit. (I'm also a lot younger than many of her friend's mothers, so I think that needs to be taken into account)

I didn't get married until I was 43. Our children are all older now. Single life is much better for the pursuit of self interests. Marriage and children are great if you are able to set aside a primary focus on self interest.

I speak as a Christian. If someone is not a Christian or one that is carnal (selfish), marriage and children could be quite vexing.

I think AS can give a clarity of vision such that the reality of marriage and children can be more accurately assessed.

The greatest difficulty in marriage and parenting is a self focus. The second biggest problem is not knowing how to solve problems.

Impossible for many, not to mention the morality. Is it okay to get kids when you know there is a high chance they will be disabled in some form. I don't think so.

Makes me sad when people get autistic children if they hadn been so egocentric that I want children no matter what.

Would I prefer to not have been born, yes.

I think that if you end up in a relationship where you and your spouse can rationally talk everything out and not rely on those unspoken signals, and if you are rational and mature, then it might work just fine. Also, it helps if the spouse (presumably NT) understands how autism works, and if the autistic partner is aware of their differences. Communication, not losing it, and giving space might just make it all work. Oh, and of course lots of love (which logically presupposes that the communication and understanding would be there).

"is marriage and parenthood tougher for us?"

How will you teach your children to socialize/interact when all they have is your own poor performance to emulate? The truth is you can't teach what you don't know or understand.

Perhaps you can depend on your spouse to fill in the blanks? But what about gender oriented roles?

If you plan on having children I'd suggest you work out answers to these questions long ahead; it's important.

denny

I have one child who's NT, and one who I suspect has Asperger's.

It's a learning curve, for all of us. I teach what I can; if it's something I'm learning, we learn together.

I'm not sure what you mean about gender oriented roles; I work full time, my husband stays home with the kids. He's got a cooking degree, my forte is math. I regularly reject traditional gender roles - they just don't work for this household, Asperger's or no. Personally I think it's more important that kids learn their strengths and weaknesses, then learn how to thrive with them (I specifically did not say live with them). I don't have the skills to be a traditional stay-at-home mom; that's just not my gig. Fortunately, I'm pretty good with numbers, and my husband is a great cook, so our lifestyle - I bring home the bacon, he turns it into something delicious - works for us. I don't see it as I-have-crappy-maternal-instinct-ergo-I-fail-as-a-mother, I see it as of us each figuring out how our individual strengths combine best for in our combined lives. That's what I want my children to learn.

I am very sorry to hear you feel that way.

Personally I am happy to have been born, and proud of who I am. I would not rather be anyone but me.

I don't know. I guess it depends on various factors (like, on which part of the spectrum one is).
My father is AS and I have never noticed any real problem with him parenting me or my brother (note: me and my brother are both diagnosed with an ASD). I know that when he is overwhelmed he can snap or have meltdowns but he doesn't have them often. My bother overwhelms him more because he has LFA and it is very difficult for my father to deal with someone with LFA (at least it seems like it) but I think he has been a very good father to both of us.
With the marriage thing it's different. My father lacks empathy and also has a sort of ODD and my mother finds it hard to deal with those symptoms. My father is also very precise as well when it comes to time and although my mother is very precise about it as well, she's not as much as my father and he can't bear when people are late even if they're just a little time late.
I think that my father's problem is that he thinks he is perfectly normal. If you tell him he has AS/ADD he doesn't believe it and if my mother tells him he does he will see that he is normal and my mother is the disabled one. I think that if he realized that he is not perfectly normal to others it would make it much better for both him and my mother.
But heh they stuck together for more than 40 years now so I think they can make it despites the problems.

Making others feel loved has always been my number one perserveration. Especially as it pertains to family. I have an incredibly awesome husband and every bit as marvelous children [ and grandchildren, and soon to be great-grand daughter] Because of these things, I believe I have been a loving, respectful and engaged wife and mother. I would guess this has actually been easier and more enjoyable for me than for most NTs'.

I think for an autistic person who is obsessed with family, as long as there are no stars in the eyes, being married with children is something that we can be exceptional at.

I cannot say whether being married or being a parent is harder than for NTs. I do know however, that the older you get the more set in your ways you tend to get which is doubly so I think for Aspies. I think maybe I am a little complex to deal with for my husband, though.

When I was growing up, bi-racial couples were not all that common. Some people, observors, would be vocal in their disdain for the situation, but the majority of people seemed to get a kick out of showing that they were "cool" because "Look how well they accept a bi-racial couple." Many applauded the courage of the young people who would not deny love because of skin color.

But when this same couple to have a baby, that changed everything. They were suddenly despised, considered the ultimate in selfishness for bringing a mixed baby, one who would never be accepted by most people, into this world. And I was not just following the opinion of the pack when I felt the same way. I did not know that I was autistic, but every day I was reminded that I was different and treated terribly because of it. I knew bi-racial babies would be considered different as well.

Times have changed. Enormously. And I know, being black has never , in itself, been a disability. That being said, the laws and the prejudice in this country made being a person of color a disability.

Autistics, yes, we are neurologically disabled. For most of us though, it is not our creative wiring that causes the disability as much as it is the treatment, and prejudices against us. The expectation that if we want to be accepted we " better act like we say to, boy, remember your place and don't get uppity."

And don't have babies!?! Really? I'm thinking in some ways we have more to worry about from our fellow autistics than we do from Autism Speaks. I have 5 children, ranging in age from 18 years old until nearly 40. Some of my kids, just as some of my grand kids, are autistic and some are NT. They are all awesome incredible people. If I were forced to make a "Sophies Choice," type decision, my heartbreaking choice would be in no way related to anyones autism.

Luckily, I was not aware that I was autistic when I conceived any of my children. I say luckily because I fear that if I had known I was autistic that I would never have been a mother. My incredible children would not exist, And there would be at least one less persons working to help all autistics to have an opportunity to be their best autistic selves. [ and YES YES YES, make lots of little autitic babies]

When I was growing up, bi-racial couples were not all that common. Some people, observors, would be vocal in their disdain for the situation, but the majority of people seemed to get a kick out of showing that they were "cool" because "Look how well they accept a bi-racial couple." Many applauded the courage of the young people who would not deny love because of skin color.

But when this same couple to have a baby, that changed everything. They were suddenly despised, considered the ultimate in selfishness for bringing a mixed baby, one who would never be accepted by most people, into this world. And I was not just following the opinion of the pack when I felt the same way. I did not know that I was autistic, but every day I was reminded that I was different and treated terribly because of it. I knew bi-racial babies would be considered different as well.

Times have changed. Enormously. And I know, being black has never , in itself, been a disability. That being said, the laws and the prejudice in this country made being a person of color a disability.

Autistics, yes, we are neurologically disabled. For most of us though, it is not our creative wiring that causes the disability as much as it is the treatment, and prejudices against us. The expectation that if we want to be accepted we " better act like we say to, boy, remember your place and don't get uppity."

And don't have babies!?! Really? I'm thinking in some ways we have more to worry about from our fellow autistics than we do from Autism Speaks. I have 5 children, ranging in age from 18 years old until nearly 40. Some of my kids, just as some of my grand kids, are autistic and some are NT. They are all awesome incredible people. If I were forced to make a "Sophies Choice," type decision, my heartbreaking choice would be in no way related to anyones autism.

Luckily, I was not aware that I was autistic when I conceived any of my children. I say luckily because I fear that if I had known I was autistic that I would never have been a mother. My incredible children would not exist, And there would be at least one less persons working to help all autistics to have an opportunity to be their best autistic selves. [ and YES YES YES, make lots of little autitic babies]