A Loss for Words

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Earlier this week, I was mentioning to my Therapist that I oftentimes do not participate in unscripted conversations with others because I don’t know what to say. That in those situations, I am much better at simply listening to others talk. She asked me to think about “why” I choose not to participate and what was going through my mind at the time.

So, it just so happens that earlier today I attended a social gathering. It was a memorial service for one of my parent’s closest friends (who had recently passed away). Many of my parent’s friends attended. I had known many of them (my parent’s friends) from when I was young. So, when people came up to say “hi” to me, my mind literally froze up. I didn’t know what to say.

I stopped by to say “hello” to the two daughter’s whose Mom had passed. We grew up together. I was feeling really sad. But, again, I had no idea what to say to them. My mind just went blank. I didn’t feel anxious. I didn’t have sweaty hands or feet. I didn’t have heart palpitations. But, I did freeze up. I just didn’t know what to say.

I feel that this, “loss of words” has gotten worse since I was diagnosed. But, maybe it is simply something that I previously didn’t pay attention to.

What’s really bizarre – is that at work, I have no issues talking to people (about work-related topics, of course). That, I am quite articulate when discussing work-related issues.

I was wondering if others had this issue. I am guessing it is anxiety-induced. And, probably since I am now so aware of it, the situation has gotten worse. Thoughts?

I have the exact same reactions. I don't see it as anxiety caused, but learned anxiety as a response. Work related talk is concrete, and usually about problem solving. It's different from that natural "bonding" that people connect with through social conversation.

I don't think what you've described is especially rare. There are NTs who have difficulty finding the "right words" in many situations. My father is not an especially verbally proficient person (he is NT to the hilt).

I just believe you're verbal at work because you are proficient at what you are doing, and you find it useful. Small talk just doesn't float your boat.

As long as you do the minimum in such things as funerals, you're okay. People just don't expect you to be eloquent during sad occasions. If you were, THEN people might start looking at you oddly.

I would guess that you're a laconic person. Nothing wrong with that.

What's weird (at least about today's situation) is that I really wanted to say something, particularly to the daughters, who I don't see often. I felt really bad about them losing their Mom. I just couldn’t figure out what to say. I probably should have “prepared” even a couple of words to say (by thinking about it beforehand).

Interestingly, it’s my therapist who suggested that my issues are due to anxiety. Just curious, is there anything she can do to help with this?

There's really not much one could say to a person in bereavement.....unless you're quite close to the person. The best thing to do is offer your condolences and offer a positive memory of the person.

I often have no idea what to say to people. It's not because of anxiety, I just don't know what to say. I may have something I want to communicate but am unable to find words. Other times I don't have anything in particular I want to communicate -- I listen, I understand or don't, and that's it. It's not that I'm choosing not to speak, I just have no words to express myself or nothing to express.

I have been in situations where I wanted to comfort someone, wanted to give them a feeling of being cared about or of safety or of hope or of being understood, but had no clue what words I could possibly use to do that or what on earth might help them feel those things. I'm not anxious or worried about anything in those situations, I just don't know what to say (or do). I have generic scripts (that I do say and do mean, no less genuinely because they are scripts) such as "that sucks" "I'm sorry" and variations of "Please let me know if there's anything I can do to support you" but they are limited. I may offer kleenex to people who are crying, may just sit with someone who's upset....sometimes just being there is actually a very supportive thing to do, even if you say nothing.

I have better verbal abilities in some situations than others. It's partly just practice (i.e. how often I've said something, or similar things -- if I've already translated a thought into words a hundred times, it's easier to do it again quickly and to be flexible in how the words are strung together and maybe even in which specific words I use to convey my meaning) and partly that with greater familiarity comes greater jargon/phrase/script-vocabulary and greater understanding of the mechanics and content of verbal exchange in those particular settings. Talking to someone at work about work is very, very, very different than talking to recently bereaved family friends about their bereavement. Very different settings, very different types of relationships, very different subject matter, very different format/mechanics to the dialogue.

This happens to me all the time and I find it comes from a number of places:

1) The subject matter is outside of my (admittedly narrow) comfort zone. I'll listen to a conversation (often I find it's about sports) and wait for an opening to contribute something. This rarely comes up.

2) I'm worried about saying something stupid (see the anxiety-conditioned thoughts above). I was hanging around quietly listening to a group of guys talking about a basketball game they'd gone to and I had nothing to contribute. The mentioned stopping at a McDonald's (which was NOT a focal part of the conversation) and I started monologuing about how they had discontinue chicken selects (this was years ago) and the reasons behind it. They were very confused by this.

3) I can't find an opening. People talk so fluidly and naturally that I can't seem to find a way in.

4) I'm afraid of saying something inappropriate. When I don't know how to interact, I lean on dirty one-liners to get people to laugh so I can connect. I have a hard time reading when this is okay.

I still have a very hard time with this in a social setting, but task-driven work conversations are much better. They seem to be more structured.

I have that problem when I feel no anxiety. I've always been a quiet person thou so it may just be that I just don't have anything to say when I feel like I should say something.

Yes I have this problem too and I agree with some of the other posters that it is not anxiety. Sure anxiety is possible as a secondary effect given how we painfully know from experience that turning up empty-handed to a conversation rarely ends well. That however is not the reason we are empty-handed in the first place.

The therapist passing it off as anxiety is just doing so based on NT conceptions. From talking to my therapist recently I think I've developed a far better understanding of NT cognition, and I think I'm realising now how we operate fundamentally very differently. NTs are intentional beings, constantly out to get something, and view others in the same way. They cannot comprehend an actual inability to "play the game", they conceptualise this as emotion interferring with cognition (anxiety). The actual issue however would seem to preceed this process.

Personally I would say it actually has far more to do with so-called autistic inertia.

A good example from me of this is that there was a guy at my work who, unlike everyone else, seemed to have a few vaguely similar interests in common with me (was aware of geek/online culture etc). He seemed like a genuinely nice person and easy to get on with and I felt like I wanted to be friendly, but when it actually comes to interaction I'm totally passive. I do not have a drive to "get something", to engineer the situation.

^^^

Oops can't edit, as I was saying. Because our conversations didn't amount to much we were never more than aquantainces. The guy has moved to a different office, still see him from time to time but I honestly don't have a clue what to say past that horrible waste of time "hi".

I find that as with the OP I can be very chatty about concrete things like work, where sharing of work information is something we have in common with the others around us. It lays the ground rules, it provides a structure, but there's not really an "intentional me" in the conversation, instead I'm more driven by concepts of truth and perfection. In a way they cover up the fact there there isn't an intentional me to drive conversation forward. The same with therapist oppointments, plenty of structure, more sophistry. When I stray from such situations I do not have an innate drive to build my own structure as NTs do.

Last edited by frodz on 23 Mar 2015, 9:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It was sort of an odd situation. As the memorial service was several weeks after the actual funeral. At the funeral, I had no issues offering my condolences to both of the daughters. But, at the memorial service, it didn’t seem “right” to repeat myself. So, I just stood there, with nothing to say. My mind just went blank. Probably, I should have prepared for the situation beforehand and “scripted” something to say.


I am sensing that you and the other posters are correct.


I have never heard of autistic inertia before. It sounds interesting. Also, I would be interested in learning more about NT cognition (particularly about them being intentional beings). Are you aware of any books/papers on this topic?

Yes I hadn't heard of the term until recently either and seems mostly used by people with ASD (be careful talking to professionals about inertia, they will assume you are discussing anxiety). It essentially just qualitatively describes how Executive Dysfunction may manifest in people with ASD, the disconnect between intention and action and most importantly the cognitive processes in between these.

http://archive.autistics.org/library/inertia.html
https://unstrangemind.wordpress.com/201 ... -overview/
http://www.dudeimanaspie.com/2011/10/in ... eevil.html

Although conversation isn't discussed so much you can quickly see how it applies to aspects of communication in ASD like mutism/monologuing etc.


Honestly I doubt you are going to find many books/papers about NT cognition written from a perspective that would help you (non NT). The best way is to ask someone you know who is patient to describe their thought processes to you. E.g. What are the mental processes that are happening when they are doing activities, especially about things they want. What do they think, see, smell, hear, feel, sense when they shop for food? When they go out with friends? Etc. Ask them to be specific and spell out the details. I suspect you will be surprised and confused by their answers, when I ask such things they are quite different from my experience of the same activities….

For myself, I wasn't saying that OP wasn't experiencing anxiety.....just because my experiences aren't anxiety doesn't mean that his experiences couldn't be. I just offered my experience as something for him to compare to his own and decide for himself.

I'm sure that both autistic and non-autistic people can freeze up due to feeling anxious, but I also know that both autistic and non-autistic people can be at a loss for words for other reasons.

A few years ago I was working in a tattoo shop where the owners were insistent that all the tattooists greet people at the door (they even had loud, obnoxious electronic doorbells so you couldn't miss anyone) and immediately start chatting them up, asking about their interests, hobbies, kids' names, etc., so you could then make inane suggestion as to what they might get done as a tattoo - basically they wanted us all to be high-pressure salesmen.

I could not do this to save my life. Never mind the fact that I feel pushing someone to make a permanent and personal decision is unethical, I was incapable of walking up to a total stranger and initiating an unscripted conversation. The only anxiety involved was the annoyance of being asked to do it, the problem was that my brain went totally and completely blank. I wasn't just uncomfortably unable to think of small talk, I utterly lost my language skills for that moment and could not speak. Once the customer spoke to me, then I could at least get out "Hi, can I help you with something?" and once they asked me a question involving some aspect of tattooing (a personal obsessive interest), I was fine and could interact normally.

When the ability to speak goes, it's just not there. My brain flatlines and there is no thought whatsoever. All I can do is stand there and look at the floor until it passes, which is only after the other person addresses me.

I had the same problem in my radio days - I was fine in the closed studio, doing my own thing, I knew the routines and had time to make notes if I was going to do an extended bit, and the only interaction with people was the telephone and if a listener got pissy, I could always just hang up on them.

But when the Program Director would walk in the door unexpectedly with some VIP visitor and insist that I interview them on-air, I was completely asea. It was all I could do to jot down a quick intro, read that and then let them do their own talking. I had no questions to ask, because I had no thought. Now in those situations, there was a lot of stress and anxiety, it was terrifying, but the effect was the same - I couldn't talk, because I couldn't think.

Funny thing is, if they had come in an hour earlier and spent a little time chatting with me about their cause or event, I would have been okay - not smooth, maybe, but I'd have at least had time to develop the script in my head beforehand, so I knew what I was asking them about.

That's fair enough, we are essentially trying to to do similar things. I'm just a "the emperor's not wearing any clothes" type, I say it as I see it. I recognise very much the things the OP and others are describing, I have learnt the hard way that using the language of anxiety when discussing these with others just leads to frustration as people just don't get what I'm saying because it's not what they mean by anxiety. Providing an alternative interpretation of what is going on is helpful to be able to distinguish what is closer to the truth and what isn't.

It's just an opinion the OP can choose to ignore, but I think it's important to question the labels others put on our experience. I'd suggest to others to try things out, do what I did and take anti-anxiety meds and see if it does anything about this issue, but I'm willing to bet it won't.

I wasn't avoiding saying it as I see it.



I know what you mean. I've often just re-used descriptions and labels that people give me for my own behaviors and experiences if I don't have any words of my own and I don't realize the actual meaning or implications of what I'm saying and it has caused a tremendous amount of problems in my life because people often make assumptions/interpretations about/of me that are wildly inaccurate.