Is this Relatable to Anyone?

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Let me preface by saying that I seem to be almost incapable of articulating how something affects me if I'm not currently experiencing it. The easiest way to properly explain what I want to is to state that I have '2 Modes' in life and limit it to very narrow subjects. I'm not going to provide a wall of text (I definitely could) as it would be incomprehensible, so I'll keep it VERY brief. There is much, MUCH more I could add/clarify but it probably wouldn't make sense.


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Mode 1:

When in Mode 1 I tend to be at my best, but as a result stress myself out as I 'allow' inconsistencies and other minor annoyances to bother me. My perfectionist traits are in full force with whatever I'm focusing on and too many variables have to exist in order to stop me from falling into Mode 2 which I believe is an ultimate, almost automatic coping mechanism I have subconsciously developed over the years. This is too long to discuss in detail and I can't describe it right now as I'm not in Mode 1. I need structure to be in Mode 1 and things need to go according to my plan. If they don't I tend to stop caring and this causes me to fall into Mode 2. It is unsustainable almost all of the time. That's just how it is.

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Mode 2:

Mode 2 is essentially a rut. I'm in a state of apathy, lethargy.. and can't do anything as I'm never prepared for it due to having no routine or structure that I must follow. It is a snowball effect.

A typical day for me right now involves going to sleep around 11, waking up at around 9 and then spending almost the entire day researching/thinking about autism and/or my related thoughts while having something play in the background. When my sister wants to play Wii U I'll play with her for a while or something like that but that's it. While playing, if I start scraping my fingers or anything I'll immediately think of stimming, even if it isn't necessarily stimming. I haven't showered in over a week. I'll use showering as my example of the snowball effect I referred to:

I could go and shower now, but it is so inconvenient as it takes me over an hour to do so. This is compounded by the fact that my hair is really long right now and takes too long to dry because I haven't had a haircut in ages. For me to shower I need to pop a mucous thinning pill, scrape my tongue, blow my nose until it felt dry, brush my teeth using one load of toothpaste for the top and one for the bottom as to ensure that I had no bad breath or food stuck in my mouth, blow my nose until dry again, shave every hair off my face, get in the shower and shampoo my hair, apply body lotion everywhere, clean my whole body carefully to ensure I don't stink, dry with a fresh towel and then put new clothes on. There are sometimes more steps but that's generally what I do. I don't have to strictly follow that procedure but I find that if I don't I feel incomplete and anxious that I'll stink or could be feeling better throughout the day. If I haven't properly showered, then I really do not want to go out. When I was at school, if I couldn't go through at least 80% of that procedure I refused to go. I don't want to meet friends right now as though I really want to, everything leading up to it is so inconvenient.

I'm not sure whether or not this mode is just an incredibly lazy one, but generally while in it I feel distressed and bothered by the fact that my showering and other procedures take so damn long. If I have a routine/structure such as waking up around the same time on a school day then it doesn't bother me nearly as much, but it still takes the same amount of time AND more effort as I would straighten my hair. I don't know why this is.

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Please note that while writing this I 'fumbled' with the text. It may not seem coherent or even describe what I fully mean but I'm very interested if anyone here experiences anything similar to this. I really can't describe it.

I look forward to any replies and anecdotes. <3


EDIT - The fact that my bold '===' lines won't appear as bold is annoying me.

I think I can relate.

When I do something, I have a very high expectation (perfection) and that makes even a small task overwhelming. So when I do manage to do something, I do it perfectly. But most of the time I can't even start doing it because it just feels too much. It's pretty much "do all or do nothing" kind of thinking. I'm very indecisive and slow because I'm very careful about every step of whatever I do.

I'm currently in your "Mode 2" state. It's been years since I got into it. I don't know if I can ever get out of it. I haven't vacuumed my place for years because that would mean I'd have to do all the other things, too, and it's too much. It would take days to do all that. The scary thing is that the longer I wait, the harder it is to get out of this state. I have no motivation to do anything. I'm just doing only the essentials every day.

Is that similar to your experience?

I'm constantly in a more mild version of your mode 2. I do shower every day, but it takes forever to get myself into the shower. I only get into mode 1 if I'm focused on a hobby or interest.

I'm glad someone understands that feeling. Yes, I think Mode 2 is actually pretty bad. Ideally you should be in Mode 1 without being too perfectionist and getting too stressed. If you can reduce the stress level, then you can stay in Mode 1 easily and be productive. I don't know how, though. Let me know if you find a solution.

I think I relate. Over the years, I've learned to be more relaxed about being a perfectionist. It's still there, but I'm so TIRED of trying to make everything perfect, and I've learned that to a great extent, others just don't care. I've had sloppy work (in my eyes) praised for being so wonderful.

Still, when I'm focused, it can be tiring.

When I have nothing that captures my attention or focus, I likewise go into a rut of apathy/lethargy.

It's probably a good part of why my life has never moved forward as others have....unless I'm obsessed with something, I just don't care enough to devote the energy required to pursue it...and very few things get my attention anymore.

Here's a bit of advice on the Mode 2 showering thing-

Other people don't go that far. They spend far less time and go thru far less, and get along with others just fine.

Unless you have something abnormal about your body where it produces extra smells the average person's body doesn't (a doctor hasn't told you such a thing, right?), then you should only do as much as the average person does.

Ask friends. Ask family.

This can become a time of change for you.

Learn to spend a normal amount of time in the bathroom, doing normal things, and you'll come out as neat and clean as anyone else.

The interesting thing is that, the way you word things, it sounds like you already know what you're doing is extreme.

What you need to do is learn that the nagging "I've got to be ABSOLUTELY SURE I'M CLEAN" is overkill, and it's you it's slowly killing.

This may even be a little on the OCD side, and if you have a therapist of some sort, it'd be good to talk about it.

I think you can do better, and can cut down your time in the bathroom and end up as clean as the rest of us are when we're done.

Try it. You'll be spending half as much on toothpaste, and maybe on some other things too.

Hope you have success working on this.

We're rooting for you.

Thanks.

As you said I am aware that it is extreme but it's not just the 'absolutely clean' and potential smelling that bothers me (that's mostly anxiety produced from rejection over the years), but also feeling good in general. If I don't clean out my nose or brush my teeth effectively twice it doesn't feel nearly as well done as it would otherwise, both psychologically and physically. Even if I'm not going to be around someone and I were to go have a shower, it would be the full procedure. I rarely, almost never do those things apart. I will almost always only brush my teeth if I'm going ahead with the whole procedure, unless I'm at someone's house and it's the morning where I suspect my breath will be horrible (like everyone's), and I've already showered the previous day.

Anyway, my goal here wasn't to make a big deal out of the shower, that was just the only example I could think of as it is currently on my mind. XD

I'm mostly curious as to how everyone else here (ASD or not) relates to this 'all or nothing' sort of behaviour. In my case I know it's ridiculous and I think I can easily change it, until I'm faced with it.