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redrexrazor
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13 Jan 2014, 4:31 am

no matter what i cant seem to think of a way to verbaly think of a way to tell my mom im having some eye contact sihues that dont make me particuly comfterble when making eye contact with any one w/ out hurting feelings i was hopping for some input so then i can have a way to expleain my lack of eye contact



EzraS
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13 Jan 2014, 4:46 am

I dont see how it would/should hurt anyones feelings.
I dont know if i have had to say anything about it, but if i did,
I would say something like "because of my autism it is really hard for me to do eye contact".
I mean for me it is kinda painful to maintain eye contact if that makes sense.



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13 Jan 2014, 6:16 am

I am inconsistent with eye contact. Depending on the person I am talking to, or the situation I am in, sometimes I find easier to hear and concentrate on what they are saying if I don't look at them. Maybe this is the same for you and maybe you can tell your mum that it helps you to focus on what the person is saying if you don't have to look at them.


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yournamehere
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13 Jan 2014, 6:59 am

I tried it again yesteday. this women at the store gave me some sales pitch. she looked at me, so I looked into her eyes. really for no reason. I could define her blue eyes soo well, I could probably paint them. I guess I want to get to the bottom of this eye contact thing that seems to be soo important. everything seemed kind of blank for that brief moment. I had the feeling of knocking on her forhead, and asking if anything was in there. she didn't want to look into my eyes after that. I tried. she acted as if she felt violated in some way. I can look, but only for a brief moment. after that moment, things seem a little creepy. when I look into someones eyes that I have known for a long time ( wich I rarely ever do), they almost always ask me "whats wrong", or "are you o.k.". I get the feeling that I have been hiding the way that I am soo well, and for soo long, that they really don't understand me. never really realized until pritty recently that I don't do the eye contact thing. I have more like a wandering eye. when people talk to me, I kind of move my head. look at them, and look away. is this normal? when people say you make eye contact, does it mean your supposed to stare???



EzraS
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13 Jan 2014, 7:15 am

skibum wrote:
helps you to focus on what the person is saying if you don't have to look at them.


Exactly. im paying attention better when it looks like im not paying attention cause im looking at a spot on the wall.



yournamehere
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13 Jan 2014, 8:20 am

well that makes perfect sence. soo, when are you supposed to stare into a persons eyes. however uncomfortable, and creepy it may seem (sometimes feel like freaking out). is there somekind of eye staring practice for people, so we can break the "eye contact" barrier? another thing... for some reason, I get the impression that people don't like it when I do that. dont know if it is from the way my eyes look, or what? asain cultures say it is not polite, you should also not do it to a military commander. soo in that respect, when is it "the right thing to do". I can do it, but it just doesn't feel right.



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13 Jan 2014, 8:36 am

tell them about being shy and it being extremely painful to look them in the eye and are sorry if they think are not listening,people understand the eye contact issues of shy ness than they do of the autism spectrum, plus bringing actual diagnostic labels into it usualy ends up with people labeling the person with it in a very limiting way.
for people without behavioraly or visualy obvious autism its better to mask labels as much as possible from people who dont need to know.



EzraS
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13 Jan 2014, 8:47 am

it really bugs me. its one of the things they pushed in the special school i went to.
theyd say "look at me" while pointing at their eyes with two fingers. i mean they were nice
about it, but hated it. Also if i have to look at their face, id rather look at their mouth moving
while they talk. Makes it a little easier to follow what they are saying.



EMTkid
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13 Jan 2014, 12:42 pm

It has always been something that has bothered my husband, but he accepts it. But until recently he seemed to think I should be "comfortable" enough with him to be able to look him in the eye. But the other day when we were in the car and my son challenged me to a staring contest. He has Aspergers but has no issues with eye contact. When my reply was simply "You win" it clicked something in my husband's head. When the boy was asleep he said "You really can't even look your son in the eye... Wow..." and after that it never seemed to bother him anymore.



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14 Jan 2014, 1:51 am

yournamehere wrote:
I tried it again yesteday. this women at the store gave me some sales pitch. she looked at me, so I looked into her eyes. really for no reason. I could define her blue eyes soo well, I could probably paint them. I guess I want to get to the bottom of this eye contact thing that seems to be soo important. everything seemed kind of blank for that brief moment. I had the feeling of knocking on her forhead, and asking if anything was in there. she didn't want to look into my eyes after that. I tried. she acted as if she felt violated in some way. I can look, but only for a brief moment. after that moment, things seem a little creepy. when I look into someones eyes that I have known for a long time ( wich I rarely ever do), they almost always ask me "whats wrong", or "are you o.k.". I get the feeling that I have been hiding the way that I am soo well, and for soo long, that they really don't understand me. never really realized until pritty recently that I don't do the eye contact thing. I have more like a wandering eye. when people talk to me, I kind of move my head. look at them, and look away. is this normal? when people say you make eye contact, does it mean your supposed to stare???


No, staring can creep NTs out even more than no eye contact can. You got it right; you're supposed to glance away, make eye contact for a few seconds, look away again, and back and forth. It helps to practise by getting someone else to read to you, then looking at them every time they come to a pause or the end of a sentence, then try it with your own words. It also helps if you glance back every time you want to emphasize a point. I am really hopeless at eye contact. When talking to people, I wind up staring at the floor, the ceiling, the lamp on the other side of the room, basically anything but the other person. When listening, I watch peoples' mouths, but apparently they can tell when you do that, though I've never had anyone comment on it. I have had a few mentions of my inability to look at people while speaking though. According to my dad, it makes people uncomfortable.


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FishStickNick
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14 Jan 2014, 3:25 am

redrexrazor wrote:
no matter what i cant seem to think of a way to verbaly think of a way to tell my mom im having some eye contact sihues that dont make me particuly comfterble when making eye contact with any one w/ out hurting feelings i was hopping for some input so then i can have a way to expleain my lack of eye contact

Hmm. Maybe something like this: Eye contact is really uncomfortable for me. I don't mean to be rude when I look away; I just have a hard time concentrating on what you're saying when I look you in the eyes."

One technique I've heard of is to look at the other person's forehead or the bridge of their nose. Even then, though, this may be a problem: http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3oply9



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14 Jan 2014, 5:01 am

I'm a true believer in the phrase "the eyes are the gateway to the soul", so maintaining eye contact has been a very real challenge for me. I can manage it now with people I know well like my Mom or sister, but its still a chore with others.


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micfranklin
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14 Jan 2014, 10:07 am

I can't seem to look anyone in the eye for more than 4 seconds at a time before having to turn away and then look back. Makes me feel uncomfortable and that I'm making them feel uncomfortable too. Like I'm eye-raping them.



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14 Jan 2014, 10:36 am

It's going to be different for each person.

For myself, my partner explained it the best.
"When I look into someones eyes, it is like magnets of equal polarity opposing each other"
(that was a paraphrase, I can't remember his exact words, but it was along those lines)

I agree with what he said.
Not only that, but it hurts a little, like walking outside on a crisp springtime morning and the sun hits your eyes, making your pupils rapidly contract and expand.

Information might also be an issue.
I'm more likely to look someone in the fact if I know what they look like and I have been around them for quite some time.
If I've just meet the person, I won't really look at them, it's too much information to take in at once.



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15 Jan 2014, 9:47 am

Inversely, there have been times when someone just stares at me, almost in an intrigued-like way and I have no choice but to look away, it feels like they're peering into my soul.



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15 Jan 2014, 11:38 am

Please look at my thread about the 7 second eye contact rule which I got from an NT YouTube series.

It's fascinating. Another part of the story? If you look into another person's right eye (from your vantage point on the left) you are reading their projection of self to the world. But if you look into their left eye, you will get their true emotion.

I know that such subtle distinctions would be like a graduate level course in face-reading for most of us, but we are smart people right? Looking into a person's right eye will make them feel comfortable. Looking into their left eye will make them feel vulnerable.

That's all I know. I'm only relating to you things I was taught, none of which has come to me by any instinct.