Should I be offended if I am told to talk more?

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Chazzer
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17 Jan 2014, 12:39 pm

Ok so I'm an aspie and I'm quite shy and quiet, my friends have noticed this and have told me to join in there conversations a bit more so I did (I'm naturally more of a listener). But the next day after that one of my friends approached me and basically told me to stop being shy and talk to other people a bit more and not just those I trust. I didn't think anything of it at the time but later on I thought Should I be offended more than I was? I mean I can't help being shy right? I can't help having adpergers. Should I be offended?



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17 Jan 2014, 1:00 pm

Shyness in and of itself isn't about being an aspie. At the same time, shyness might not be something you care to change about yourself.

Your friend probably perceives you as being awkward and shy in social situations, that you come off as not comfortable with talking, that you might have low self-esteem about your socialness.

I wouldn't be offended if someone said that to me if I were uncomfortable talking because of having anxiety over being perceived poorly. In fact, because that perception seems to be so much the norm, that the person themselves is slightly distressed and that's why they're not talking, even if I weren't distressed when being quiet, I would assume that my friend perceived me as being distressed by it, and I would see that they were trying to be helpful.
I would get offended if someone told me repeatedly (or just getting told repeatedly by different people) to talk more, and I've repeatedly told them that I like being quiet and I'm not awkward about it, and I wish they'd just be happier with me being quiet.
I would be flattered if someone told me that I should talk more and then said so because my thoughts are so interesting and anything I do say makes the conversation interesting. Of course, that is probably implicit to a degree in what your friend said. At the very least he/she doesn't think your conversation is poor.

That said, I know someone who would get offended by that, flat out.

It all comes down to what you think about it, if you're comfortable with who you are and don't want to change who you are, if you think your friend is somehow trying to change you, if you think your friend is trying to tell you what's best for yourself and if you're going to take offense at that. But maybe you just don't care! That's fine too.


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17 Jan 2014, 1:23 pm

Chazzer wrote:
Ok so I'm an aspie and I'm quite shy and quiet, my friends have noticed this and have told me to join in there conversations a bit more so I did (I'm naturally more of a listener). But the next day after that one of my friends approached me and basically told me to stop being shy and talk to other people a bit more and not just those I trust. I didn't think anything of it at the time but later on I thought Should I be offended more than I was? I mean I can't help being shy right? I can't help having adpergers. Should I be offended?


No, you shouldn't be offended, they were trying to encourage you and make you feel part of the group.



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17 Jan 2014, 1:23 pm

I get told to talk more or complained at about not talking enough. The problem is, in my case it is not all shyness. I get sick and tired of:

1 Having to think of things to say all the time when I'd rather be with my own thoughts privately
2 Constantly flapping my gums (talking) until my throat is sore and my mouth is dry
3 Depending on the conversation topic, having to respond to endless chats about social antics that don't mean anything to me (Ie people seem to want to try to impress me with their socially cool behaviours. I do not measure people in terms of 'socially cool', only in terms of whether I enjoy spending time with them. I do not care about what is in fashion or what is socially trendy.
4 Having to pretend to be impressed when I am not (see number 3).

Personally I prefer it if I can stay quiet. When I have something to say I will say it, shyness or not. People trying to force me to speak when I don't want to though is not so much offensive and downright annoying!



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17 Jan 2014, 1:30 pm

A person that's too quiet tends to makes others nervous. When I'm around new people I tend to be quiet, but not always.
I find it more annoying than offensive if I'm badgered too much about being too quiet. I find it's best to contribute just enough to appease them so they won't focus on my quietness.


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bumble
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17 Jan 2014, 1:52 pm

Raptor wrote:
A person that's too quiet tends to makes others nervous. When I'm around new people I tend to be quiet, but not always.
I find it more annoying than offensive if I'm badgered too much about being too quiet. I find it's best to contribute just enough to appease them so they won't focus on my quietness.


Do they not appreciate quiet reflection, silence or just being in the moment or with the experience without having to be anything at all including a natterbox?



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17 Jan 2014, 2:01 pm

Shyness and not talking are not necessarily the same thing. There are a lot of reasons why people with autism have difficulties participating in group conversations that have nothing to do with shyness, but are a result of sensory processing problems in the brain.

When you take an extra beat to compose your thought before you say it out loud and by the time you're ready to express it, the conversation has already moved on to another subject, that is not shyness.

If the stress of a social interaction causes your brain to 'flatline,' and go blank, so you can't come up with anything to say, unless someone asks you a direct question, that's not shyness.

Shyness is an anxious fear of potential rejection. The fact that you're standing with the group, willing to be a part of the social interaction demonstrates that you aren't being shy - if you were, you'd leave the group and stand apart or go somewhere else entirely to avoid the possibility of interaction.

There's a big difference between being afraid of socializing and being neurologically impaired at socializing.



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17 Jan 2014, 2:19 pm

Willard wrote:
Shyness and not talking are not necessarily the same thing. There are a lot of reasons why people with autism have difficulties participating in group conversations that have nothing to do with shyness, but are a result of sensory processing problems in the brain.

When you take an extra beat to compose your thought before you say it out loud and by the time you're ready to express it, the conversation has already moved on to another subject, that is not shyness.

If the stress of a social interaction causes your brain to 'flatline,' and go blank, so you can't come up with anything to say, unless someone asks you a direct question, that's not shyness.

Shyness is an anxious fear of potential rejection. The fact that you're standing with the group, willing to be a part of the social interaction demonstrates that you aren't being shy - if you were, you'd leave the group and stand apart or go somewhere else entirely to avoid the possibility of interaction.

There's a big difference between being afraid of socializing and being neurologically impaired at socializing.


Thanks for summing that up! I was trying to get it straight in my head what the difference is between being 'just shy' and having processing problems when it comes to social interaction. I am shy as I worry what people will think of what I say so I am quite quiet anyway for that reason, but I am also quiet indeed because often when I want to say something I can't seem to think as quickly as other people, so I lose my chance, or yes my mind goes blank when there are lots of people around.



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17 Jan 2014, 2:53 pm

Willard wrote:
Shyness and not talking are not necessarily the same thing. There are a lot of reasons why people with autism have difficulties participating in group conversations that have nothing to do with shyness, but are a result of sensory processing problems in the brain.

When you take an extra beat to compose your thought before you say it out loud and by the time you're ready to express it, the conversation has already moved on to another subject, that is not shyness.

If the stress of a social interaction causes your brain to 'flatline,' and go blank, so you can't come up with anything to say, unless someone asks you a direct question, that's not shyness.

Shyness is an anxious fear of potential rejection. The fact that you're standing with the group, willing to be a part of the social interaction demonstrates that you aren't being shy - if you were, you'd leave the group and stand apart or go somewhere else entirely to avoid the possibility of interaction.

There's a big difference between being afraid of socializing and being neurologically impaired at socializing.



this exactly, I see myself as introverted not shy, I like being with and interacting with people - I am just really bad at it due to not being able to understand them and the slowness of my understanding. Also I can only do it for a little while before I need a recharge or just a few times a month


maybe you have a similar problem and just need to communicate it to them?


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17 Jan 2014, 3:02 pm

Why would you become offend by that?

If they didn't say it aggressively or with expletives, I'm failing to see why you should be offended.



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17 Jan 2014, 5:04 pm

I don't think your friends meant any offense, but I wouldn't take their advice. You can get into a lot of trouble when you start speaking without really having anything to say.
Just make sure that if there is something you want to say, that you do.


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