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Jezebel
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24 Jan 2014, 12:31 pm

So there's this guy that I'd like to get to know better. However, we're struggling with actually holding a conversation.

We've only known each other a bit - about 2 months. For the longest time, I thought he was the problem - that he wasn't trying hard enough. He'd start a conversation, but somehow, it'd always end abruptly, and I was left wondering what went wrong. So after analyzing some past conversations and with the help of my friend doing the same, we've realized I'm probably showing signs of disinterest to him. So now I'm planning to try to plan out a conversation (surely others do this too?) so that it can go relatively smoothly.

One of the main problems is I keep missing those stupid cues/hints people give! I don't realize it until I analyze the conversation or until someone points it out to me. Like for example, a couple weeks ago, he told me how he was driving back to school (after winter break) and was busy most of the day. Me, being... well, me, didn't even think anything of it. My friend made me realize I could have used that as an opportunity for him to tell me more about what he's studying and to get him to open up more.

Another time, he told me how he'd thought about doing something, but changed his mind later. I think he changed his mind because didn't want to seem rude to this other person. Later I realized he probably expected me to ask WHY he changed his mind, because the conversation ended shortly after that.

No one else I know seems to have this problem, and I've been lurking (I'd forgotten my account details) the forum for a while now. You guys seem like the only ones who could possibly understand :S

My friend says to show interest I need to ask questions, however I recently realized that that doesn't come naturally for me. I don't ask people "How are you?" or "How was your day?" or any other types of questions. To be honest, I don't even think about asking them how they're doing UNLESS they ask me first. (Personally, I find those kind of questions pointless anyway. I'm not sure if that's part of the reason I don't think about them or what...) And the other problem is, I can't ask a question if I'm not truly interested. I cannot fake interest. I've tried, but it doesn't work.

Help :S

Also, has anyone else been told this or realized it later? Or is it just me?



hyksos55
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24 Jan 2014, 2:27 pm

I am an extremely disinterested person. As I have gotten older I have learned to mask it by asking certain questions and by pretending to care but it’s hard to maintain. The really sad thing is by the time I get home at night from work I have been so inundated with useless information about other people’s lives I have no strength for interest in my own family. The things you’re describing in your post I can relate to so well; so you’re not alone.


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Jezebel
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24 Jan 2014, 5:00 pm

Thank you. I'm glad I'm not alone.

I guess I'll just have to try to pay attention to any hints he gives off...
The funny thing is, I thought I'd been showing I wanted to get to know him this whole time. If he starts a conversation with me, then I always reply back. :S

*sigh*



hyksos55
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24 Jan 2014, 5:31 pm

Just keep trying and learning good luck. :)


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yellowtamarin
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24 Jan 2014, 5:53 pm

A tactic that sometimes works for me is to ask myself these sorts of questions when the other person tells me something:

Could there be more to this that they haven't told me?
Am I making assumptions based on what they said, or could I actually probe more in case there's something I missed?
I'm interested in getting to know this person*, what could I ask now to make that happen?


*Yes, sometimes I have to remind myself that I want to get to the know the person, to help me access the questions I might want to ask. It's so easy to be too passive.



Marky9
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24 Jan 2014, 6:16 pm

Asking follow-up questions or simply restating what the other person says can work for me sometimes.

But there does come a point when, if I have to do all the work to keep interaction going, I ask myself whether I am actually having fun. If not, then I try to look inside myself and think about whether that relationship is really working for me. If it is not meeting my needs, then there may come a time when I need to stop beating a dead horse and move on.

It takes two to tango, but if I am the only one dancing it seldom makes for a good time.


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Jezebel
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25 Jan 2014, 2:32 am

Thanks guys!

With your advice and the help of a friend, we were actually able to have a conversation. :D

Does anyone else need a lot of time to think about what they're going to say? Sometimes 5 or more minutes... I just want to make sure I say the right thing, lol.



buffinator
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25 Jan 2014, 11:48 am

Jezebel wrote:
Thanks guys!

With your advice and the help of a friend, we were actually able to have a conversation. :D

Does anyone else need a lot of time to think about what they're going to say? Sometimes 5 or more minutes... I just want to make sure I say the right thing, lol.


all the time. girls on okcupid get annoyed when we switch from messages to IMs or texting because its harder to contextualize and hold a convo


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