Have you ever felt that your honesty scared others?

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You know how it is - we Aspies tend to tell it like we see it. We don't typically have that political filter that tells us when something - even though it may be glaringly true - is simply not to be said in public.

Have you ever felt that others feared you precisely because you spoke your mind? I don't mean that you did so with any intention at all of offending; I mean that you simply called it as you saw it, and then, quite by surprise or shock, you noticed that others were taken aback?

I think there's something to this. Many people have this instinctive filter for what they let out of their mouths. They seem to understand that if something is true, it may be so, but they don't dare say it because they somehow understand the political consequences of doing it.

For Aspies, I think that the political filter isn't always there, so our relationship with the facts, and with things as they are, is more direct. We can say things that visibly make others uncomfortable, even though that was in no way at all our intention. I know that I have innocently said things that got me marginalized socially, even though I had ZERO intention of offending.

It is very strange at times. You feel like you are being punished for simply verbalizing what is already self evident.

Now I'm not saying that social judgement isn't a good thing. I'm just saying that this seems to be a pattern, and may be worth recognizing so that we know how to modulate the verbalization of our observations as systematizers.

I can think of two reasons why people might be afraid of truth tellers:

-Power systems, including social hierarchies often require lies and fascade to maintain themselves.

-People are afraid that you will expose their plots and rackets.

These concerns are not entirely illegitimate. To get anywhere in life requires an element of secrecy, and illusions can be a necessary tactic to stave off hungry wolves.

Last edited by Stannis on 25 Jan 2014, 9:43 pm, edited 5 times in total.

Yes, I purposely scared two people with the truth the other day. I wanted to shame them a bit for their face-value judgments and past rudeness. I was successful.

I think I honestly scared some people when they saw me have full blown head banging meltdown.

Some people are scared of me just by the fact that they know that I can say honest things at any time.

That makes a lot of sense when I reflect on it. Thanks very much.

I think people find it threatening. They get angry. They can't dismiss what you say if it's true. Everyone just has a stunned silence.

I keep forgetting about how there is politics power play going on. When I was young I used to think that having a 1:1 relationship with facts was the morally right thing to do, and that everyone must surely agree.

Yeah, right!

Part of my 'acting' in social situations tends to involve not being directly honest unless requested. I prefer to tell the truth, but I'm so used to hiding/covering things up and/or giving half truths that it doesn't really phase me to not give a completely honest answer to most people these days.

I have been honest in the past and offended/confused people several times though.

Hello,

NT here with a question regarding this topic:

On this forum, I read a lot about telling the (emphasis here:) brutal truth .... - why does it have to be brutal? This implies that you fully realize that it will hurt and willingly phrase it so meaning that you are brutal by choice.

And I've now read about "we Aspies tend to tell it like we see it" and similar expressions in lots of back threads.
I wonder, what kind of truth are we talking about?
Because a "truth[b] as I see it [/b" ]is an opinion and opinions are given all over the place.

And, no, I do not mean the "do I look fat in these trousers"-type of truth, because the answer to these kind of question is totally irrelevant, it's an indirect plea for reassurance. This is a momentary low self esteem type of question, so you don't answer the word but the meaning.

As I'm raising a kid on the spectrum I need to see this 'truth'-topic from his side - in this case adults on the spectrum.

So - what kind of truth are we talking about?

Greetings and thank you

Ennik

I am different to this, I cope better with the truth than with people saying stuff about me that isn't true. The latter will send me into a frenzy desperately trying to correct the error they have made. I also hate unfairness, and spreading lies is, well, not fair.

The truth is the truth and that is fine. I will usually fess up or accept it if something is true.

I don't know if I am on the spectrum, I only suspect (as does my therapist) so my answer may not be of much value to you, but I prefer the tactful truth.

I often think people use telling the 'blunt truth' as a way of getting away with being able to say whatever they like without consideration for other peoples feelings.

I can't always read people but I don't like to hurt their feelings, so if I know something I am going to say would, could or is going to be hurtful I will either find another way of saying it or I won't say it at all.

When I do offend people I do it accidentally because I don't realise they are going to find what I am about to say offensive and I am usually upset when I realise I have hurt them because I really never meant to.

For example as a child I was out with my mother one evening when, whilst laughing, she pulled her face in such a way that reminded me of a donkey. Without thinking I blurted out my observation "you remind me of a donkey when you laugh". Well, it didn't half upset her as she took it to be a deliberate insult, yet to my mind I was merely making an observation (I said what I saw...) and had not meant it as an insult at all (donkies are quite pretty animals actually, I always find them to be very cute). It was just the way she pulled her face is all.

Suffice to say I got screamed at and ended up upset myself on multiple levels. Firstly I didn't like being told off and yelled at by people and secondly I realised I had hurt my mums feelings and felt horrible over that because I really didn't mean to hurt anyone.

In a similar example from my adult years, never ever tell someone they are overweight because they eat too much and don't exercise enough or tell a room full of depressed people that feeling worthless is silly or that their egos are weak, even if you are trying to help in your own way by suggesting that if they can strength their egos a little and stop believing in worthlessness they wouldn't feel so bad about themselves. In fact don't say anything at all and stick to making things look pretty. I find that to be the safest thing to do these days.

*Goes back to my knitting*

PN there are a few exceptions where I have launched a verbal attack with intent to hurt on someone but that usually only occurs following or during a bad episode of being bullied and it will usually be directed at someone whom I perceive as bullying me. If I have made an error and it was a misunderstanding I am always happy to give a genuine apology without any future grudges. Sometimes, when you are in the midst of being attacked by bullies, especially those who operate in a group, innocent people can get caught up in the crossfire.

It's yet another reason to stay away from society...bullying and innocent people getting hurt unnecessarily

Also yes, there is a difference between a truth based on someone's personal opinion and a fact. I sometimes think it might be better to work with objective fact instead of subjective opinion (which really does not tell you much except about how that person feels or see things..which may or may not be relevant depending. It's not technically a truth though).

Depends on where I am, what we're talking about, and who I'm with.

Generally speaking, my family and friends are used to my honesty, and accept this, though I do occassionally surprise them. Some people give me odd looks, or stare; as though taken aback by the truth. It's not usually a bad thing though. Some people, while shocked, seem to appreciate this, and find it refreshing, as I've been told I give good advice, and am a good teacher, but not everyone likes the truth.

While I have learned how to adapt, and have learned how to tell enough of the truth to satisfy my needs, and still spare the feelings of others, I do sometimes slip up, or else have lost the ability to care of what others think of my opinion. I feel I'm comfortable enough with myself to be honest most of the time now.

I can see where the word "brutal" would imply that, but I think that "brutal" in this sense is a mere colloquialism.

Sometimes I can be so tightly bound up with the facts and transmitting them through my speech to another person, that I have zero foresight into how that person will be affected. There is no intent to offend, as much as there is no real understanding of why that person might react poorly.

For example, someone might say that so and so got into a car crash. My immediate reaction will be to try to visualize the accident - so I will ask technical details about it, and may comment about the perceived likelihood of that person having suffered crushed limbs. Meanwhile, the person who told me about the event is aghast that I am not reacting emotionally, but am going into "sordid details". I may ask if the airbags properly deployed, which will offend the other person all the more - and by that time I am angry that they are angry at me.

Which leaves me stumped, because I am trying, in my mind, to build understanding of the event - by attempting to visualize it.

This is where I wonder if I have an ASD or not. My first reaction would be to wonder if all parties involved where ok. I may or may not want details depending on how bad things were. I don't need images of dismembered limbs in my head. I can be prone to nightmares. Sensitive. Perhaps too sensitive in certain ways to have an ASD?

The older I get, plus now that I understand AS, I am challenging myself more to react as you would. It doesn't come naturally - but I realize that for most people, the emotional reaction is the correct one.