I Feel Like a Fraud..

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I think being treated like I'm pretending leaves me feeling like a fraud, and the better you get at looking normal, the more likely it is that people will see you as pretending when you don't look normal.

I don't really experience myself as particularly different except that people don't seem to want to be around me, and up until the moment people are looking at each other with odd expressions or looking at me with odd expressions, and then I feel different because that's what I see on their faces. I certainly didn't see those expressions, if they even happened, much until recent years. But there has always been an element of me being a fraud because people have continually been shocked by what I did not know and initially disbelieving of what seemed an impossible level of cluelessness. And literal-mindedness.

In a way it doesn't matter much to me how many people here are misdiagnosed, or not. As usual I agree with Zombiebride, the labels are just tools for professionals to use, and like her, I see this as a support forum welcoming whoever wants to use it and can benefit and bring something to share.

The autism specialist that diagnosed me said that I fit all the criteria for Schizoid PD, but also all the criteria for Aspergers, and in that case Aspergers is the more fitting diagnosis.

It's weird, but I'm actually glad that I'm schizoid, and don't want to feel close to people. It must be terrible to want it, but not be able to have it.

Yes. It is

You are intellectually gifted, right? Then it is not surprising that you developed good adaptive skills by age eighteen. In real life, I know young and old autistic people who are intellectually gifted, and they generally have good adaptive skills.

Sigh...This is so true.

It hurt a lot, particularly when I was young. It didn't make sense to me. Why was I unable to connect with others?

First, I blamed myself. I hoped that it is just a phase. That I will grow out of it.

Then, I blamed others. That others are just the way they are. That they will grow out of it.

At some point, I realized that this is something that I would need to live with. It's just who I am. I must accept it. Or, choose the alternative. That was the darkest period of my life.

Since then, there are times (particularly when I am the most vulnerable) that I am reminded of this deficiency. And, it makes me sad.

My wife always tells me to look around and appreciate the good things I have and not dwell on the things I don't. Ultimately, she is right.

OK, so first off, welcome to WP.

I am, in many ways, in a similar position to yourself by the sound of it. I made great strides in improving all sorts of aspects of my life otherwise impacted by ASD. I am now 31, married with a mortgage and a good job in software development for a big global company. I even have a kid on the way. However, I am certainly still affected by the condition and it rears it's head daily at least in one way or another. I don't consider that having made some progress negates there still being underlying difficulties.

I have only just been officially diagnosed a few months ago which meant I grew up with this confusing and troubling notion that there was something significantly 'wrong' with me but could never fully pin it down or explain it. Finding an answer (accidentally while reading Daniel Tammet's autobiographical book Born on A Blue Day) was an amazing and terrifying experience. Regardless of what practical help, if any, the diagnosis will offer, having a panel of trained and experienced professionals explain that they too were convinced I was clearly autistic was massibely important on a personal level. I am not sure I would really call it closure since the issues continue. However, it provided an answer to the biggest question that hung over me as long as I could remember and that I had pretty much given up on being able to answer.

As a rule of thumb, I would say that, if it's really not causing you any problems at all, you probably do not fit the clinical definition any more - good for you. Alternatively, if it's impact is ongoing, having an answer can really help you understand yourself. That was my experience, in any case.

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

Hi Norny,

I can relate to the idea of feeling like a fraud here. It's probably a hangover of feeling like a fraud in many other social contexts.
I read a lot of other people's stories here and think to myself, "Oh gosh, I don't struggle with that problem so much, how unfortunate for that person. Maybe it's not so bad for me after all."
I mean, I've gotten through most of my life with a serious undiagnosed condition and managed to survive, and sometimes even thrive.
But then I look back at the relationships that ended explosively, or the choices that lead me into an unsafe workplace, or the issues that affected my ability to work and study.
I'm currently destitute and on the edge of bankruptcy, partly because of my (now recently diagnosed) autism. But I also know my ability to bounce back from monumental failure.

So, am I fortunate? Quite often yes. I feel lucky that I've been able to experience many amazing things that other people here may not even be able to access. I don't have anything much to show for it, but I have very few regrets. Does this make my autistic problems any less valid? I don't think so.

And am I a fraud? I don't think so, but I feel like one often.

I've seen you around the forums Norny, you belong here as much as anyone else does.

Everybody is welcome here. Autism Spectrum Disorders are just that a spectrum. There is less affected, more affected and a million different ways to be affected. Most people will not have all of the traits. You are autistic or not. If you think you are not autistic we have threads for that also.

This subject is complicated and evolving. What is the accepted scientific truth may not be in ten years. Train schedules and baseball cards obsessions have evolved as a common, easily understood way to describe special interests and focusing on detail and not the "big picture" . They are examples of special interests and not focusing on the big picture. no more no less. "Special Interests" can be about any topic.

Cheers for all the replies. Time to read!