Friend with Autism refuses to break from routine

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So I have this friend who I have talked about before and my question is what is his capacity to change from doing the same routine every day of his life?

We have invited said friend to play tennis, go walking around the park, play a new board game and do other things that are not part of his "safe" and "approved" list he has internalized. He has rejected these ideas and tried to steer us back to things that are part of his everyday or every week routine. I came across another board posting on autism with an article that had this statement:

"This means that what is absolutely impossible to comprehend for the neurotypical individual is a daily norm for the autistic, including hyper-perception, hyper-attention, hyper-memory and hyper-emotionality. As such, the theory proposes that the autistic becomes trapped in a limited, but highly secure, internal world with minimal extremes and surprises."

Change is not easy for anyone but I am taking it that change is even harder for a person with autism? We are finding his behavior annoying because he won't even drive across town to do something that is not part of his approved list. It gets to the point of rude but we have tried to be understanding. He is really hurting himself with the behavior. As it stands, almost the entirety of his socialization involves eating with his parents down the street. He also lives in the online fantasy world of facebook explaining that people he has not seen since middle or high school (15 years ago) said this or did this on facebook. I guess some of my reasons for coming on here are to vent, selfish reasons, but I am also concerned of what will happen after his parents die.

So again my questions are the following

1. What capacity does he have to do something not part of the same 5 things he does every day or week?
2. As his friend is my role to invite him to other functions that are not part of the approved list and let him figure out if he can participate in the functions?
3. Should I have any role in explaining to him that giving in to characteristics of autism is isolating him further?

He sounds a lot like me. I know my limits of what I can handle, and 99% of the time I have to decline my family's invitations to do things, because it would just make me miserable (and what's the point of that?)

My feeling is that he's doing what he needs to do, to keep himself stable and happy. Yes, autistics tend to have weird, obsessive interests, but if he's not harming anyone with his interest in Facebook, I personally wouldn't judge him for it.

To answer your questions:
1. If he's like me, maybe once a month he can handle a very simple, low-pressure social activity outside of his normal routine.
2. Maybe ask him if he appreciates being invited to things all the time (I personally don't), or if he really prefers not to do these things, and so it's okay for you to assume he doesn't want to
3. He probably understands that he's choosing to isolate himself. And if he's like me, he does it on purpose, and is okay with it.

I guess I only see a problem if he says that he's lonely, and wants to socialize more. And I know his behavior probably seems really odd to you, but to me it sounds completely normal. I prefer to be alone, I have no friends or social life, and I'm honestly happy this way – much happier than I used to be, when I tried to engage in social activities in order to 'act normal' and please other people.

Sounds very normal, I'm like that.

I think he has answered that for you by his past behavior.


That sounds like a good approach. The emphasis needs to be on letting him decide and then not throwing attitude or something if he declines invitations.


Absolutely not.

Well autism is a neurological difference....so not sure the giving into autistic tendencies makes a whole lot of sense. its kind of more or less the way we are so its not really a matter of choice as to whether one gives into such tendencies or not. As for outside activities I personally am not good with routines and like to do things outside the norm....but I have to have the energy and be in the right mood otherwise I just want to stay home or something and relax.

He may not have any ability in feeling comfortable deviating from the norm he has established.

You should ask yourself why you need him to, or if you really want an autistic friend if spontaneity and change in routine are important to you.

If you're really concerned about his functioning, you might consider trying to start with his comfort zone/interests and then slowly building something new onto them to make him a little bit uncomfortable but not too much. Once he becomes comfortable with that new bit, keep adding bits and bits gradually. Look into "shaping". Warning: this might be difficult if he can't explain what makes him comfortable and what doesn't. There might be social or sensory things that bother him but he might not be aware of their exact nature nor understand how to accommodate for them to improve his functioning. You'd probably be better off referring him to some kind of autism service that focuses on improving quality of life for people on the spectrum.

I think instead of finding him annoying and blaming him for this behaviour and trying to get him to change it all on his own you need to meet him half-way. For someone with such a strict routine taking them away from it will cause panic and extreme discomfort. They feel like they have lost control of their environment and there is no way to gain control of this chaotic mess before them.

I actually have a far more severe fear of change compared to most autistics. I'm more at a severe autistic level than my AS label makes me seem.

This behaviour is not hurting him. Quite the opposite - it is comforting him. A person can function well in life with a routine. It does limit them from experiencing more of this life but to experience more of life means to allow panic and uncertainty into your life.

I think you need to ease him into another routine, or rather, modify it enough to include some activities with friends. First go to his home and hang out (don't surprise him but ask him if it's ok), then maybe after a time invite him out for a lunch somewhere. Most importantly make sure he has interest in what you guys do for fun. If he's not interested in one tiny part of it he won't come. Maybe you can peruade him to come by saying one good thing likes will happen.

I'm lucky to have a friend that helps me with my change anxiety. We go to gigs together and because I'm frightened of going to new places alone we'll meet up in an area I know and go to together. Of course, this is after previous years of having severe meltdowns when she changed her mind about meeting up and went to a pub with friends. I still worry such a thing will happen.

It sounds like you read about the intense world syndrome. That's good. You must remember because of this overloaded brain we do need routine, repetition and familiarity. We're not incapable of doing new things but some of us need the other person to go to more effort to prepare them for the transition. You won't always remember to do it, as the non-autistic people around me don't always explain things to me - then they remember when I explode at them again or just become avoidant - but it will do good for all involved that you try to help your friend out as much as you can.

I hope this helps in some way. The cats need food. The routine must not be broken. I'm not actually that bad. Heck, I'm going to America in 5 months...and it freaks me out. I actually faced such a harsh reaction for my little panic attacks over change that I had to come up with a way to switch it around when things didn't go my way, a back-up plan if you will.

I found this on a web-page of two German boys who described the autism of their brother. They use a metaphor for that kind of thing that I thought was quite useful.

They compare the day of their autistic brother to a pearl-necklace and each of the pearls is an element of his day. Imagine a pearl-necklace. If you have to exchange one pearl, you can't just take it out. You have to undo the whole necklace - or at least as far as that particular pearl -, then change the pearl and then re-do the whole necklace.

If you've ever done this, you'll know it's a painstaking, annoying activity that requires a lot of patience and a lot of dexterity. In short: It's hard and exhausting.

That is what happens if an autistic person has to change their routine.

I have the same problem here. My best friend has never been evaluated, but I suspect she has aspergers. She spends all day in the computer obsessed about a game and a anime/series at a time. I try to make her go out, have some fun with her friends, but she refuses it. For me it's annoying, because I want to spend some time with her. I also feel that she is losing lots of experiences, even if she doesn't like getting out of the routine, she could prepare herself psychologically in advance to do something different from time to time. Considering that she's not very autistic and when she does something different she ends up liking it.

Last edited by linatet on 09 Feb 2014, 1:33 am, edited 1 time in total.

You see them as just "routine activities" but for us, it's how we manage the world around us.

I cannot speak for every autistic person, but I can speak for myself.
The reason why I have routines is because if I don't, I am less than productive.
If I don't have enough of a routine, I will end up flouncing about, not really knowing what to do.
Due to this, I will usually end up staring at a wall or wasting my time on facebook or on here.

The more structure I have, the more I am able to get done. Any deviation from this will cause a collapse in the entire routine and I will revert to the productivity and emotional stability of an infant, instead of the wonderful 21 year old lady that I am.

The reason why I find it difficult to do things outside of the routine is due to the fact that they all appear to be of the same importance.
Sure, I could paint my nails, I could build a robot, I could pay the bills, I could do the cleaning. But how would I organize and prioritize which one is more important? Because everything is literally of equal importance to me (unless it's my interest in which case, that takes over EVERYTHING) I have difficulty doing things outside of the routine.


When have you invited him? Have you told him in advance? As in 2-3 days before you plan on doing those things?
If not, I can understand why he would refuse.
My friend constantly invites me to "Spontaneous, impromptu game nights!" and it upsets me greatly.
I know I want to go to these things, but I haven't been given enough time to work it into my routine. The sudden stress of this will impact on me greatly.
Because of the fact I cannot handle spontaneity like everyone else, it has greatly impacted on my relationships. From the sound of it, it is clearly impacting on your friendship also.



How is he hurting himself with this behavior? Why do you believe he needs to have an active social life?
For myself, my social quota is for-filled with just my partner and my family. Even then, I still need time alone.
One can acquire social interaction without having face to face encounters.
Is his behavior hurting anyone?
If not. Honestly, leave him be.
For all you know, he might be studying extensively online and you wouldn't even know it.
We aren't like most, we won't tell you everything we are doing with our lives.
I'm currently studying Astronomy and Pervasive Developmental Disorders, the only person whom knows this is my housemate/partner. And that is due to the fact that he lives with me.
Not all of us go on and on about our interests, some of us want to keep them away from everyone else.



To answer your questions;

1. The only one who can answer that is your friend.

2. Alert him 2-3 days before hand. Please stop expecting him to change something that he possibly needs to function.

3. This question bothers me quite a bit.
I've had others say the same thing to me, that I shouldn't just "give in". I find this quite ignorant. I do not believe it is your place to tell him that his mannerisms are damaging unless they actually are damaging him. Have you asked him if the isolation bothers him? He might not be too bothered by it. If he isn't, by telling him to "stop giving in to his mannerisms" your essentially telling him "Stop being yourself and do what we want you to do, how you are is disconcerting and inconvenient for us"

Communicate with him.
Only he knows what's going on inside his mind and how things effect him.

My question is, how is his routine hurting you?
I'm thinking a little bit of "live and let live" wouldn't go amiss here.

Well said, RedEnigma! Standing ovation!

I'm a step-up from you in terms of routine. I do know how to prioritize. It may take some time but I get there eventually. It takes a very long time to get to that level though. I was probably only capable of it because of stimulant medication too. I learned how to dealw ith transitions easier too.

Let me just add: stop calling these people annoying!

Remember, you are now outnumbered by autistics that do this as well and to say we are annoying or hurting ourselves or somehow living an unhealthy life because we don't deviate from our routine is very insulting.

I'm studying script writing as well as writing my own so I do a lot of reading online, writing and film watching on my own. It takes time for me to get in the zone so I have to exclude everything else, even social communication.

Socialising isn't always healthy for us. I messed up not long ago really badly I wanted to kill myself. That's happened many times too. You won't see our frustration over making the smallest foibles but they may tear us apart. We may avoid social contact for those reasons alone.

If you are an NT friend and still can't work out why your autistic friend refuses to hang out with you when you haven't even taken into account their need for routine besides finding it annoying after all these posts, then I'm at a loss. Really. It's all there in black and white.

Our routine is a lifeline. We cannot just put it on hold one day just to please you. Also, I'd need a week to prepare. Three days wouldn't be enough for me. I already blew my own mother off (poor choice of words) because she was coming up to help me get a passport. She took it all personally though and didn't realise I just couldn't prepare in time to see her.

So help her. Have patience. Don't just expect her to do it on her own especially given her lack of awareness about her condition.

I was extremely avoidant before I was diagnosed. It was an involuntary thing. Still is but at least now I know why I do it and I can work around it.

Think of it this way.
What if you were in another country where the did stuff that you consider unsafe.
Like I saw something where in Asia somewhere they eat live scorpions for vitality.
How would someone get you out of your safety zone to eat some scorpions?

Unless he is unhappy with his current routine, you shouldn't worry about him.

Make opportunities available to him in case he wants to go, but don't expect him to want to go.

I think with me, I need at least 3 days notice, also I need to know exactly what I will be doing, for example someone telling me we are going to London is not enough I also need to know where we are going in London, preferably specific places such as museums and I need to know how we are getting there otherwise I get too anxious to go.

it may be that he needs to be slowly integrated into doing something outside of his current routine every 2 weeks or so, routines can change and eventually going out with you could become part of his normal routine. so maybe say, every 2 weeks on a Saturday do you want to go for lunch or a meal or something and if he needs it also a time.