Diagnostic relativism

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So I am currently getting a professional Asperger/autism assessment, which so far everything seems to indicate I have. One thing that troubles me is when taking to my mom (pretty much the only person I have in my life to even try to talk about personal things with), even though she knows how my life is today, and how depressing and troubled it has been in the past, doesn't seem to really understand me at all (which she has actually admitted herself that she doesn't). She is supportive and kind, but she seems to have these very relativistic views about psychiatry, such as when she studied medicine there were some people who tought that psychatric diagnoses should be scrapped in its entirety and that they should instead just focus on individual symptoms or whatever, which she seems to agree with.

The only thing she has commented about my issues is that she thinks there "is just something about my personality", but this is in my opinion completely upside down and wrong since my personality is actually what makes me want to even try to reach out to people at all. The disability is the problem, not my personality.

Since I'm seeking a diagnosis, this makes me feel like I'm just trying to cling to a "fake construction" and that I should just be content with considering myself "normal" like everyone else, and that all my difficulties should just be treated as various separate issues. It has been a real blessing for me to learn about Asperger and autism, and there is just so much reading on this page that I can identify with all of you, and this makes me feel like everything is being taken away from me. What do you think, is she right and should I just try to forget about diagnosis at all and just "live on" with my apparently "fine" empty and dysfunctional life, or do you think she (and other family) would be able to understand it and appreciate it if I tell her?

I just can't understand how my mom apparently thinks that I should just be content with how things are and not even question it any further, or at least not anymore after going trough successful treatment for the most pressing mental issues I've had (which I also had to go through a confused hell to finally figure out to initiate all on my own: all this is in my early 20s).

Here is an article about someone who got a diagnosis as an adult, and it changed their perception of themselves - from "I am a failure at trying to be a normal person" to "I am a 'normal' Aspie with particular talents" - and so they were able to change their life in an intelligent way because they now knew what they were: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-ouch-26193704

Having a label that fits you ("Aspie") is better than having a label that makes you feel a failure ("normal" or "neurotypical"). I always felt like a failure at being a "normal person", but now I can be successful at being an Aspie - I can use my Aspie strengths for good purposes (e.g. a high school lets me tutor one of their students who has Asperger's, and the high school knows that I am diagnosed with AS too - that's a major part of my qualification for the work).

If it has been a blessing for you to read about Asperger's, then I'd say: go for the assessment, and then learn what your strengths are and how they can be used. Find out who you are - how the individual symptoms fit together to make you an Aspie. The label may even help you disover things that you had never connected - for me, after reading about Aspies and sensory sensitivity, I realised that my dislike of fluorescent lights was "normal" for an Aspie, and I had never understood why the lights bothered me when they didn't bother anyone else.

You may still experience doubts and at times even negative feelings (internalised stigma, for example) - but you can overcome these by finding positive ways to use your diagnosis. That artist guy in the article I linked found his positive way by resuming his painting. I found my positive way in tutoring young Aspies. Some people find theirs in (say) working as a computer programmer, or in some other work that requires attention to detail, for example - maybe even voluntary work that uses your skills and Aspie strengths.

Your mother doesn't understand what it is like to be different in your way. But I bet she has a label for *her* differences compared to you: female. So why does she get a label telling her she's different to you (she as female versus you as male), but you cannot have a label to sum up how you are different to NTs? I think people are a little inconsistent about labelling - and I don't think they (the majority, the NTs) get to tell us who we are. We are different; and we get to express our own identity. We don't get told who we are by people who don't really know. I think this is an important part of "disability rights" - the right *not* to have your identity denied by other people. If you identify as having Asperger's - particularly when it has been confirmed by a proper diagnostic assessment - then it is not for someone else to deny your difference, to deny your experience of being different.

Moms are notorious for not being able to see the obvious. Understand that she doesn't understand, and embrace your diagnosis. One day she'll see.

Thanks for the advice and interesting thoughts. Like many of you, I probably also have some serious "theory of mind" issues, like understanding that other people not necessarily know/understand things in the same way that I do. Maybe its ironic in a sense that I get frustrated with my mom for not understanding things that I have really just recently started to learn myself and only assumed she know of, although I wished she could have taken my difficulties (which should be visible to anyone, although others may not connect them anymore than superficially as if I were only a somehow troubled "NT") more seriously earlier, and at least now that I have finally started to try to get some real answers. I'm going to go through with the assessment in any case though, maybe things will be different if I eventually tell her the specifics about it, being a neurodevelopmental disorder and all.

Yes, this is true for a lot of "flaws" with children. Your mother's approval does not disprove your diagnosis.