Need advice about an aspie

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Hi,

I'm a NT who went to church and met a guy named, well, let's call him Sam. Sam is a diagnosed aspie about one year younger than me (I am now 21). He's a bit of an extrovert so his aspie behaviors are very obvious to other people. Sam started hunting me down and getting me to hang around him. At first it was alright. I don't go to church often, and could go when I felt like it. He talked a lot, but I'm a good listener and generally polite. I try not to make people feel weird and have been told I'm easy to open up to and trust. But then he started wanting to hang out outside of church. My mother gave him my phone number without my permission and he persistently texted me to hang out.

I have friends whom I love dearly and enjoying hanging out with, but unfortunately Sam just isn't one of them. There's several conflicts of interests. He enjoy playing cards and World of Warcraft type stuff and is reluctant to do anything I suggest (like even just sitting, he loves walking for hours, or just watching a movie). I have other interests, as well as a job and I go to school. On top of that, the little free time I have left goes to maintaining a long distance relationship with my girlfriend.

I'm also very introverted and don't even hang out with friends often to begin with. I don't feel lonely easily and I enjoy time by myself. Whenever a new friend has wanted to hang out with me too much, I've dropped them because I don't like hanging out frequently. It tires me.

Sam does go to school, but he only goes to one class. I think he struggles from depression and apparently mood issues (of which I haven't seen, but I've heard about via him and his family). He doesn't seem to have any friends, as I was the only one who was at his birthday gathering. So, on top of pressure from my mother, I've tolerated some contact. However, I haven't hung out with him for a few months and I keep saying I'm busy. I even told him that I just can't hang out anymore because I'm so busy, but a few weeks later he'll just continue asking. I was hoping he'd take the hint, but I understand that he's probably not so good at 'hints'. I do feel bad for him, but I don't like feeling guilty constantly about it. Plus he should try to find someone with similar interests to bond with. At the same time, I'm resentful because sometimes I feel harassed with his calls and texts and him being so persistent despite the circumstances. Though, I understand he's not trying to harass me.

There's also the awkward element that my mom will see him at church like every week and knows his family. I no longer attend church, so it's fine by me, but I'm tired of being guilt tripped by my mom and his family (they were on the verge of tears apparently the last time I hung out with Sam because he was in such a good mood afterwards). I feel bad that him hanging out with me feels great to him, but it's quite a chore to me. I just don't have the time for it nowadays either.

So how should I dissolve this contact, or what should I do? What advice can someone give me?

Thanks.

I think you should look for someone who shares interests with Sam and introduce them to each other. It is very hard for Aspies to find friends on their own.

I concur. This sounds like a very difficult problem and I think that DevilKisses came up with the only solution to it.
I wish you and the aspie luck and I am sorry I could not help.

Parents are great at making relationships untenable.

I often joke that the old way of parents committing seppuku when their child reached adulthood, was a good system

Can someone please tell me what this emoticon means " " ?

I don't know if I am misunderstanding it or misreading it (I find it funny that I can do this, even for emoticons), but I depend a lot on eyebrows for emotion reading so the angle they tilt at makes it look like the face is nervous or scared.

I know it says ": lol :" without the gaps but it can be different things and it is also disconcerting. It is my least favourite emoticon.

Hi! Thanks for your reply. I just really don't know anyone who's into the same things he is. We did go to comicon (I didn't really enjoy it) and there were a lot of people like that. He likes things like Magic the Gathering, Yu-Gi-Oh (lots of strategy card things), and World of Warcraft.

My other friends like to watch movies, go clubbing occasionally (I don't) and sometimes drinking/talking at their place. But mostly they are busy working a lot and going to school/training like I am. Sam would definitely not enjoy their company.

I don't think he likes me for my interests, so much as me just being easy to be around and being a good listener. There's a lot of supportive people at church and his parents seem resourceful. I wonder why anyone else hasn't stepped in to help him find a good group or club of his interests. Making friends can be tough for anyone, but I'm sure aspies have that extra challenge.

means like...laughing, to me. Like "heheheh" or "kekeke" if that makes sense. After a crude joke, sorta. "I often joke that the old way of parents committing seppuku when their child reached adulthood, was a good system" <--- he/she was making a bit of a crude joke about seppuku (suicide. rather distasteful and dark) regarding overbearing parents. So it's like a "heheheh". It's moreso how the mouth curls upward and flaps rather than the eyebrows.

I hope that's helpful!

Thanks for all your replies!

Dear Sam,

You're a good guy, but I don't want to hang out with you.

The end.

Everything is getting drawn out and you're feeling resentful because you refuse to communicate in a manner that he understands. Say Sam only speaks French. You can "hint" in your native tongue all you want repeatedly, but Sam isn't suddenly going to become bilingual.

@Lif, what I meant by training or going to school is just like, I mean we're setting up for the careers we want to do. For instance, one is student teaching to be a teacher (training), another is in some sort of police thing (training), and the rest of us are still in college. But all of those things can be very time consuming!

See to me, that blunt message sounds very cruel. If an aspie is told that, how does that feel?

A blunt response like that would be very harsh sounding to a NT. It would hurt their self esteem and confidence. I don't want him to get depressed or want to die and such. But perhaps it is different for aspies?

I will suggest finding forums and WrongPlanet, but he doesn't seem to be very literate as far as writing goes. When we text, sometimes it can be hard to understand what he's trying to convey. Are there some aspies not good with writing?

Well, sometimes being bluntly told to leave someone alone can be hurtful to an aspie like it would be to anyone else but he'll get over it. Being given hints will just confuse him and lead him on because he'll still think that he has you as a friend but you're just busy or maybe you're angry at him right now because he did something to offend you. Finding out later that you didn't want to be his friend but he didn't pick up on it and kept annoying you might be even more hurtful. At-least that's been my experience in the past.

Yes, there are people who are relatively inarticulate and don't write well here.

I don't think it's right to pretend to be his friend just so he won't get depressed. It's misleading and deceitful. I'm not sure if there's anything you can do to prevent him getting depressed or really upset by your rejection but if it's going to happen it'll happen sooner or later anyway. Maybe just try to emphasize that you think he's a good person and the reason you don't want to spend time with him is just that you don't have enough in common. You don't have to be REALLY blunt like "
I don't want to talk to you any more. Leave me alone". You just have to explicitly say that you don't want to hang out with him anymore at some point because he won't understand that's what you mean unless you flat out say it.

It's not your job. You have been kind and patient, but enough is enough. Finding him another friend would not be easy, and it's not your responsibility. That sounds cold, but these demands are unreasonable.

Chemistry between people is what it is. You are not interested. The suggestions above are good, but there's really not much to explain.

It sounds as though your families are encouraging him. If so, one thing you can do clue THEM in, in no uncertain terms, that you are not interested. You have been polite all this time, nothing more, and you are not his friend. Sometimes you just need to spell it out. Maybe, if they get the message, they will find a gentle way to get it to him.