It's hard for me to think about others

Post Reply New Topic

My own mother implies I'm selfish because I don't think about the feeling of others, but I really have tried to be more caring and I thought I was doing pretty well until it'll just hit me - I wasn't thinking of someone, how what I said would affect them and mostly, can't really care for people outside of my family (and these family members I have to see often) and friends.
I meet a lot of my friend's other friends and a family member's friends and I hardly care about them, but I wish I did care more. I feel guilty about it. It depends on what type of mood I'm in but sometimes I can feel like a downright monster.

I wish I could care more and think about the feelings of even family members/ close friends more, but I've tried every method and I'm just at a loss of how I can ever achieve it. I don't think I can constantly just think about all the people I meet (that are more than passing in the street) and still be able to function. I put a lot of focus in staying organised and productive and in my interests. My mental health issues take up a lot of time and energy too. I just haven't got much else left to think about people.

I wish my mum could see this and that her words are really hurtful to me because despite raising me she barely understands me at all. The whole family is the same. They judge me as though I don't have autism or anxiety or depression.

Does anyone feel the same way? I'm assuming some here probably have it worse than me or not as bad. I mean, we all have different levels of being aware of other people's emotions. I thought I was really good. Sometimes I am. And sometimes I'm just rotten at it.

Tonight everyone in my house and basically their friends are going out to a pub to see a band for my housemate's birthday and I don't want to go. I'm unwashed, feeling my clothes are dirty as well. My hair is a mess too. I just want to continue the usual Monday night routine which is tea and biscuits and watching Two and a Half Men and the Big Bang Theory. And I've just got a WiiU and am playing my way through Batman: Arkham City. I bought the WiiU as a type of therapy and it's working. It does calm me down and I'm having meltdowns. It probably seems selfish to want to play it over going out to the pub.

I don't really want to see people. I have a low threshold of extroverts right now. I'm kinda against the whole social model today. It happens when I get depressed + agitated. When I'm in a hyper mood I'm usually the opposite. It would just be torture for me to go out tonight. I'll just get annoyed by what people say and annoyed at the very little I can say.

Ten minutes until Two and a Half Men. The routine must not be broken. I heard a door slam too. I think I'm in the clear.

I have no trouble thinking about others who think of me. I'm not criticizing your mother, but usually when people think of me and are kind, they describe me as very thoughtful. The comment that I am selfish I get from my mother, when she is speaking to me, and it's been implied by others and the common thread is that they disapprove of who I am and how I behave, they seem not to relate to me. I feel bad about that and mostly blame myself, but looking at your thread, just thought to suggest that I find it hard to think of others who think nothing of and for me in the long run. Not saying that's the case for you, of course, your mother may be a very sweet person trying really hard and maybe you are being very selfish. Could be just lack of understanding, too.

I have a similar problem in that I find it hard to care about others and put myself in their shoes. When I hear of war and stuff on the news it doesn't phase me :/

I think caring that you don't particularly care is a form of caring in itself. It's an awareness of one's own shortcomings and a desire to not cause harm, which is something a lot of people strongly resist.

I have felt that way in the past and even my own mother has told me I only think about myself but she would be upset when she would say this because she always says I care about others. My mom never recalled she ever told me I only think about myself so she was apologizing about it for ever saying it instead of denying it. I get it, people say things when they are upset and then have no memory of it. It's like amnesia. That is probably why people say things they don't mean and what we mean by it when we say people say what they don't mean when they are upset.

Is your mom always upset when she says these things to you? Does she ever tell you you are caring and thoughtful when she isn't upset with you?

I have gotten from other people like my dad's cousin or my shrink asking me if I ever think about their feelings and kids telling me in high school I am selfish and don't care. My husband will tell me he knows I care about him but I don't do good showing it. I thought doing what he wants me to do and doing him favors would be showing I do care or letting him sleep. If I didn't care, I think I would always be beating him and hurting him and putting him down and doing verbal abuse and never letting him sleep or do what he wants and I boss him around and dictate how to live his life and what games to play and what interests to have. Even my ex boyfriends thought I didn't really think about them or care which is ironic because I could think the same about them.

Also I think calling you selfish for not wanting to go to the pub is selfish on their part because they are not respecting you and they are trying to force you to do something you don't want to do. I don't force my husband to go to places and it would be selfish of me if I did that because he is not comfortable around people and doesn't like social situations.

"Growing up by yourself" is how I think of my childhood. Some people were mean....some people were nice....but most people were just neutral/ambivalent toward you.

The nicer people might talk nicely to you for a while and the mean people for somewhat lesser time. But I would say ALL of the talking by EVERYONE to me would only have been a minuscule portion of the time others normally spoke to each other.

When someone would speak to me I'd always be surprised someone was actually speaking to ME.

Most of the time I was satisfied with the world I'd created in my mind. I didn't KNOW I was creating a world in my mind, but this is what they now call "Theory of Mind" in which (sans meaningful outside contact) you're forced to create "your" personal reasons for why things happen the way they do and why people behave the way they do, which usually doesn't match what N.T.s think.

I got the impression others were just not interested in me, what I did or what I thought so I just got out of the habit of thinking of other people. I'm doing all I can to reverse this. I hope to become a compassionate human being.

When I was a kid people were just as happy not interfacing with you. With all of the knowledge now about Asperger & etc. I hope the situation is changing although I see we're not there yet.

Hang in there,
denny

The trouble is with me I remember what I say when I'm angry and I always mean it. Those words reflect how I really feel at times so I basically think people are lying to each other when they are not saying those things or say that they didn't mean to say it. It's like we pretend we don't feel those things so we can actually get along with each other.
But it is kind of helpful to be made aware that they do have a kind of amnesia about what they say. I take it all to heart and try to do my best to avoid getting into situations where that bring that stuff up again.


When I'm actually having less issues she is supportive and saying that she's so proud of me for making it so far, yet when I do have a lot of mental health issues is when she shows me less support. I had a doctor that said people are like this when they don't know how to take information about what is happening to a loved one. At the time I was having seizures and my mum showed instant denial.


They ended up leaving without asking me again which I was happy about. There would be a time where they would make me feel bad about choosing to not socialise and say I should do it for this person and think about them more, but I'm glad that I got none of that last night.

Thanks. I needed that.

Yes, I have a hard time thinking of others and being considerate on a daily basis. For example, sometimes I used to turn off the lights at night and didn't notice that my mum or sister were sitting in a room and using the light (this doesn't happen so much now that my sister moved out because my mum usually doesn't stay up that late. More examples: sometimes I finish eating the last of something that my mum really likes too or I eat all of something without thinking about it or don't notice when my mum might need help with carrying something unless she asks me. Often I forget to be quiet when someone's sleeping or reading. When reminded I'll try really hard to be quiet but sometimes I'll forget again once I get into doing something and start making noise. These things might just be inattention, absent-mindedness. Also , if someone offers me something and I want it then I'll take it and would never consider that they might just be offering to be polite unless my mum tells me they are or if my family is deciding where they want to go to eat and everyone says "well, where would you prefer" , 'you decide" "no, you decide , "I have no preference" then apparently that's to facilitate negotiating. I always ruin it by saying "I want to go to X" and when they continue debating I say "no one else has a strong preference but I do so we should go to X" My mum told that's inconsiderate because they want to negotiate and make everyone happy. I still don't really get this one. Wouldn't negotiating be more efficient and still make everyone happy if everyone stated their honest preference outright and how strong it was? Anyway, I can be very inconsiderate and selfish. I asked my mum about how considerate I was recently because of another WP thread which is why I have so many examples.

@coffeebean- Yes, you're right, caring and feeling guilty about being selfish is caring to a certain extent and some people just don't care whether or not they're selfish.

I'm the same way. News horror doesn't hit me at all (though I wonder if the constant barrage of news war scenes hasn't numbed everyone by now). Having just decided I'm probably an Aspie, it's very interesting/unsettling thinking what other people think/feel, and wanting to ask them. But they would probably think it too weird for me to ask them, "Do you find it sad to watch people being blown up on the news?" (Not to mention they might lie to not appear as a "psychopath"...)