People think I'm exaggerating.

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I have no one to talk to about this and I don't know what to do when I'm feeling like this, so I therefore turn to the internet. I don't even know if this is the right part of the forum for this post but I'll write this here anyway and then someone could move it to a more appropriate part of the forum if that's better.

I'm so tired of people thinking that they know me when they don't. People who "know" me think that I'm exaggerating when I say my social skills aren't great just because I can function in certain social settings. Today someone said I'm just too busy disliking myself and therefore can't look at the situation objectively and see that I'm not as socially inept as I think I am. Sure, I dislike myself and sure, I'm not completely useless in most social situations but people don't know how exhausting it is. They don't know that I'm exhausted after just spending the day at university where it's noisy and people everywhere. They don't know that social situations give me headaches. They don't know it takes quite a bit of energy for me to even be able to look people in the eyes. They don't know how incredibly high my anxiety level is in social situations. They don't know it takes days for me to "recover" from a social event. They don't know how awfully lonely I feel because no one ever understands what's going on inside my head. They don't know how I always feel more like an observer than someone who's actually connecting with people. They don't know how much I pretend to be interested in their small talk when it actually makes me tired and all I want to talk about is more interesting things (or I don't want to talk at all).

And when I try to tell them about my anxiety they either don't understand, don't care or they simply don't respond. If I were to tell them I'm currently getting assessed for an ASD they'd probably laugh, think I was crazy and tell me that I think too much. I don't know if I've got Asperger's or something similar but I know myself better than they know me and I know that psychologists have found enough "symptoms" to warrant an assessment.

I feel increasingly lonely. Not due to lack of social interaction but because people don't understand me and they never have (I sometimes worry that that's some sort of delusion or something and that I'm just like everybody else but if that's the case then I've been delusional for as long as I can remember).

Can anyone relate to this?

You are definitely in the right place here. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I think without a doubt that most of us can. I have been told the same things about how I am better socially than I think I am but I know that I have my social struggles. We attended a three day seminar last January and even though what I learned there was great the social part of it really got to me. It took me over a month to recover.

Yes I can relate totally.

I am 40 this year and got my diagnosis last year.

If you think you are rubbish is social situations that is likely because you are rubbish is social situations.

My anxiety level can go of the charts and nobody understands me.

Honesty is a rare thing people like to always say it's not as bad as you think.

I am being honest with you it is every bit as bad as you think and you are not delusional.

People might say to you O I feel like that too

I have my diagnosis and I know I am not delusional.

Having said all of the above I have learned to like myself I am sitting on my on at my computer listening to music enjoying a bottle of wine.

I can relate to what you're saying. Many people with Asperger's have learned how to interact well socially but are exhausted by having to follow social protocol, sorting all the impressions and keeping track of facial expressions etc. I'm not saying that you have Asperger's but yeah, you're definitely in the right place here, as skibum said.

I don't think I'm rubbish at social situations. I just think I'm not that good at it and that it's freaking exhausting.

For me, its like the difference between learning to drive a car and being a competent long term driver.

A learner driver has to constantly think of so much, always be on the alert and is very anxious of making mistakes. Learner drivers tend to be exhausted after about an hour of driving, and it is not usually an enjoyable experience for them.

A competent driver can just switch off. The process of driving becomes subconscious, and they would be capable of driving for many hours. it is effortless for them.

If you say "Driving is tiring", both the learner driver and competent driver would agree with you. But it is the learner driver who REALLY feels very tired and emotionally floored by the process.

AS people are like learner drivers in social situations. Normal people have been competent drivers for pretty much all their lives. They don't really understand what it is like to be a "learner driver" in social situations.

I can definitely relate to what you said - except for the loneliness part.

Luckily, I found people (although "just" on the internet) who understand me and my issues very well, funny enough, through a forum that relates to my special interest - even funnier: two of them are on the spectrum and some others are "socially awkward" (though considering the amount of similarities, I would suspect them to be on the spectrum as well), just one is an "NT". If I knew them in real life, they would be great friends for sure, unfortunately we're scattered around the globe... My mother is also very understanding, she most likely is an aspie as well.
So, additionally to those people, there is also this forum, Wrong Planet, full of people with similar issues. Even this knowledge would make me feel less lonely, if I didn't have my online-friends and mother.

I have to get a diagnosis yet, but I hope that this year, I'll finally have a report which states what is very likely the case anyway.
It would be just a confirmation and people couldn't just say "haha, you're crazy and imagining things" once it is 100% official. My psychologist/debugger has been a great help so far and just confirmed my suspicion. Bummer she can't make the diagnosis, I was somehow "stunned" by the choice of places I could take one in and it took roughly a year until I got the tip from a local autism organisation to check in a special hospital(I'm not sure this is the right translation?) and ask for a certain doc who is very good at making an autism/Asperger-diagnosis.

Rebbieh, I totally relate. People just don't understand the exhaustion aspect. If they don't experience it that way, they don't seem to even be able to imagine it. Also, I was told I have social anxiety and thought for years that was really my problem, but now I know it's way more than that, most likely AS. Looking to get assessed very soon. Keeping my fingers crossed. A positive diagnosis will be evidence of being believed at least once! I hate feeling like people think I am either a liar or lazy or a drama queen when I describe my experience.

Yep. It's not fair when people invalidate you. Maybe tell them you might come across as fitting in OK and doing well, but you are constantly watching what you're saying, because of negative feedback in the past from your rude comments?
That may not be the case, but it is for me. I don't really tend to explain my diagnosis to people. They either know what it is, or they don't

I just wish I knew the reason for my social issues. I've had social issues since I was very young and my parents for example got a phone call home from my preschool teachers telling them I refused to participate in group games because I hated being in the centre of attention. I remember I hated group games in general. I always tried to hide/come up with excuses so that I didn't have to participate. I was ok with playing with one person at a time (we then often played with my Lego, which I loved) but I didn't really like groups of people.

I was bullied in school (when I was 12-15 years old) and people thought I looked very lonely (I've heard that from old teachers and I know other students thought I looked lonely because that made one of them do a very mean "social experiment" on me). I often stayed behind in class to talk to my teachers about science, religion and existential questions because I found that so much more interesting than what my boring peers talked about. I remember being incredibly frustrated that I couldn't grow up quicker. I wanted to grow up so that I could socialise with adults instead. Besides that I often sat alone and read books.

I had friends though. I've always had friends (except for the year when the bullying was the worst) but no matter how many people I've surrounded myself with I've always felt very lonely and like I'm not properly understood.

I wish I knew why social things have never really come naturally to me. Do you know what I mean?

Sorry, just felt like ranting some more.

I know what you mean about wanting to know why. I am getting assessed soon too. I also saw your anxiety diagnoses just now and I am in the same boat with my therapist telling me I have social anxiety. Well, duh! Looking back through my childhood I have always had ridiculously bad anxiety and I was never abused or anything, so it didn't come from that, and I wonder why I am the only one seeking an explanation for why a young kid would have such anxiety. Isn't anxiety a symptom??? Isn't that kind of like saying to some one, oh you have left arm paralysis and leaving it at that without trying to find the cause of the paralysis?! That's just me trying to compare it to something physical.

Aspergers wasn't put in the DSM until 1992 or 1994, forget which, and I graduated from high school in 1992, so there was no way I could have been diagnosed as a child. So if my therapist is thinking, oh surely this person would have been diagnosed as a child if something had been so "off" about her... Um, no. Things were different back then.

I'm so anxious about being anxious that I am exhausted from writing about it now.

Truthfully....stress in social situations does not an Aspergian make. I believe many NT's undergo social stress--but, somehow, because of their need to fit in, they go through the motions--and it does feel like "going through the motions" to them, even though they are NT.

It doesn't necessarily mean you have Asperger's, I believe. I know it's frustrating, though, having to recover from social situations. It's frustrating for me as well---I tend to avoid them. I definitely have a history which indicates autism/Asperger's--and I have some symptoms--but I'm still not sure if I have autism/Asperger's at present.

It is unfortunate that the emphasis on being "social" frequently sublimates "higher" intellectual interests as one gets older. I've known many case of people who were quite accomplished in school--but who forgot what they learned because they felt like they had to "fit in." They "couda been a contendah"--but they wound up a secretary.

Who knows? You might have Asperger's. Don't be disappointed, though, if it is found that you don't. Maybe you're an example of variations in "normal" human behavior. There are "normal" shy people with social anxiety. There are normal "hyper" people who are extroverted socially. It does not mean they have an ASD, or that they are bipolar.