Understanding bullying

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Greetings,
Wondering if anyone would be willing to share their experiences with bullying. I am a future ASD teacher and want to know what I can do to advocate for my students that have ASD, as well as know how to help them through such experiences.
Thanks!

Discipline the bully and don't punish the victim, for example just recently a little boy who took his My Little Pony lunch box to school, was bullied.

Instead of punishing the bullies, the victim was told to stop bringing his lunch box into school.

Expel the bullies from school so they can't bully the child at school.

Nothing was done to discipline my bullies, I hated my life all through school, from infant school age 4 to college age 19. Bullies are just horrible.

Bullies have a radar for sensing which people are likely to fight back and which are not, so people with ASDs are perfect targets, as our neural processing handicaps keep us from being able to think fast on our feet (especially under pressure), therefore, we're more likely to shut down and just stand there and take it, which feeds the bully's ego and self-esteem issues by allowing them to dominate their victim without fear of reprisal.

Sometimes, to the bully's surprise, the repressed emotion that builds up over time, from repeated incidents of intimidation and humiliation can eventually explode in a seismic meltdown resulting in a violent, but uncoordinated physical assault on the victimizer. It's no solution and usually results in the victim being blamed for the entire altercation, but it's always a danger when bullying is allowed to fester without intervention and only adds to the victim's sense of isolation and belief that there is no one they can turn to who will take their distress seriously.

Personally, I have experienced as much bullying in the workplace as an adult as I ever did in school, both from coworkers and from management personnel, bent on crushing anything they perceive as nonconformity.

My first experience with a bully was in 1st grade, when a boy from my class, who was almost half my size, followed me all the way home, beating me about the head and shoulders with his jacket and cursing me, while his sister stumbled along behind, whining at him to "Cut it ouwWwt," simply because he realized I did not know how to fight back. My last experience was when an instructor in a state approved school, after giving me passing grades in a 6 month course, to earn a license I already held in a neighboring state, refused to schedule my final test, following me to my vehicle screaming "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE!?"

Nobody helps. I spent four years after that last experience, talking to every state agency I could contact, with names like "Disability Rights Commission," to address the treatment they all agreed was outright discrimination, but not one of those bureaucrats could be bothered to get off their thumbs and see that anything was done to correct it. There are no real advocates, only people with hollow promises, whining "Cut it ouwWwt."

Bullies don't respond to that.

Wind, that boy needs to learn early that certain types of behavior actually encourage the bullies of the world to seek you out. I'm not advocating their ridicule, but there is such a thing as overprotecting a child, which does not prepare them to survive in the adult world.

Not every choice you make is going to be accepted by your peer group, or by society at large and if you don't learn that when you're young, you're never going to be able to function in the real world. There are consequences for self-expression and you have to be able to understand that, when you choose what to express. "Freedom of Speech" means other people also have the right to comment on your own statements and you may not always like what they have to say about them.

Hi! What a good idea to ask here...and what an idealistic teacher, you are. You are one of those, who can really make difference for students on the spectrum.
I´ll tell you a little about my experiences. I am too old to having been dxéd early, - not even as a youngster. My parents knew, that I was a little "special", though.
During the first 4 school years, I was the chubby girl, always outside and very gullable. I wondered how others did to fit in and be popular, but I never cracked it. I had to buy my way into the pack with sweets, but the popularity only lasted as long as the money. It was a door, that never opened. After having lost my overweight, I was just the "oddball".
The bullying was mostly physical in the early years with some psychological element, such as nasty remarks about my looks and language and some of my behaviors. I got quite bitter and promised myself NEVER to do bullying myself.
In the long run it took a toll on my self esteem, - so much, that I had difficulty defending myself, even as an adult. In grade 5 for example, I starteled, when somebody passed my seat in class, because I was used to being wacked from behind. It does something to you.
Of course, I isolated myself quite a bit, - but then, I might have anyway.
Later on, the bullying got more psycholgically refined, such as "gaslighting" and mean remarks about my things and interests. Because I was gullable, they could talk me into doing embarrassing things, like propose to a boy, - a very transgressing thing to do, when you´re 13. Very embarrassing afterwards.
Stealing my things and putting them back on my desk,(without my seeing it), just as I was really worked up, to make me think, that I had made a mistake, was another game. There was more. Something every day. My self esteem went to pieces during those years.
I did not pursue further education, because I couldn´t walk past a schoolyard for ten years without feeling anxiety and thirst for revenge.
It wasn´t until my 40es, when I did my high school in order to enter university.

I don´t think, that my experience is unusual.

Good luck to you

Last edited by Jensen on 31 Mar 2014, 1:28 am, edited 2 times in total.

I didn't expect something like this after your previous post.

Wind pointed out that the bullies were not punished at all.

I don't think bullying actually prepares people for "not every choice you make is going to be accepted by your peer group" or "there are consequences for self expression" and bullying is not "freedom of speech." It's basically felony behavior but it is never treated very seriously. You complain about no one taking the bullying you experienced seriously, but then you say it's okay here to not take the bullying seriously because, essentially "not everyone will like you."

That specific attitude - what you expressed - is one of the foundational attitudes that tolerates and even encourages bullying.

I was bullied relentlessly and was isolated because of it in elementary and high school. I was always put down, classmates attempted to sabotage my work, people threatened to jump me, I was taken advantage, got beaten a little, was both physically and figuratively pushed to the side, and left on my own. I was accused of horrible things, ganged up on, lied to endlessly, and given false promises of friendship. I'm not sure how many of the few compliments my peers were sarcastic. I lived in fear my daily life. I was at the point where I briefly even was tempted to commit suicide in the middle of class in front of everyone (it was art class. scissors were everywhere).

That being said, in college where nobody carried over, things improved. People took a time to warm up to me, but I was eventually accepted. At least, as far as I can tell.

Gee! Since when did school teachers really give a $h!t about bullying. That's a first. I'll believe it when I see it but I sure as hell ain't holding my breath.

me too.

although it all started in grade school.

i never understood until very recently that i was, in fact, being bullies. teased, sure, i got that much. but not bullied. i became aware i was being bullied on the job, then the next job, and the next, although i had no idea how to cope with it. then i realized that not only had i been bullied in school, but my entire life in every situation, including my family.

i don't have a lot of ideas at this point how to cope because i don't yet know how myself. but, i believe if i'd KNOWN what was happening, maybe i wouldn't have carried it into my 48th year of adulthood. so perhaps your students would benefit from knowing and being able to identify the more subtle ways people can be bullied beyond being beaten up on the playground, and how to handle it or who to tell.

personally i'm not sure it's wise to intervene directly. there obviously are situations where adults have to step in. but, i think it's more effective to teach the kid how to handle bullies themselves first. i know, that's what you are probably wondering yourself, how do you do that? i don't know. i keep looking for answers. but i do know, as far as work goes, that i have to stop assuming that if there is a problem between me and someone else, it's not necessarily always my fault. and that if someone says something mean to me, i don't have to take it. i don't have to freeze like a deer in the headlights. and i am getting a little better at shooting someone a look and saying, 'excuse me, what did you just say?' sometimes pushing back a little in the beginning is better than letting them build steam and having to push back a lot later on. bullies start by testing what they can get away with, right?