Is my father doing right or wrong?

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he has been throughout my life and still, pointing out my faults, he usually talks several minutes about my weaknesses, he says it with disgust in his eyes and voice, he sounds angry. almost as if he wants to beat me.

why does he do so? In fact, he actually has right about me, but it still makes me sad when he says it. I feel completely empty and useless.

Having your faults pointed out by others is a painful but necessary [art of growth, so he's right to do it in part. However, it seems as if he's doing it in a demeaning way, which is wrong. He should instead point out ways in which you can fix it, and be patient with you making these changes in your life.

Even when strained, a parent-child relationship should never cross the line to being hostile. Have you told him this is how you feel about what he's doing?

Sounds like an ass. Unfortunately there are a lot of parents out there who think their kids are there to make them look good, no matter how old they get. I know its easier said than done but don't let him get to you. And unlike most, I have actually been there...

Your father is a jerk. I'm sorry he can't treat you with love and respect.

It's neither all right nor all wrong, but it is certainly unkind and unproductive. He may be doing it out of love and lack of a better way to go about helping. Whatever the reason, what's important is that he not be the only source of feedback you get about yourself. Are there others you can turn to who can provide more support? Friends, teachers, counselor? Another relative perhaps?

I would try to give him space if he is acting disgusted. You may feel angry and want to argue, but no one deserves to be hit. And it sounds like he might be on the edge of losing control of himself and hurting you, or at least losing control of what he says to you and how he says it. You don't deserve that!

Have you tried saying something like, "I know you're trying to help, but it ISN'T actually helping."

"faults" are a matter of opinion. nobody is god and has the right to inflict their opinions on someone else as if they were matters of fact. there are far more constructive ways to communicate concern, to love, and to support anyone. for instance, even in a case where one feels concerned enough to express certain doubts or observations, it's infinitely more loving to do it in the context of that person's strengths, not just constantly strip them down. i've been through it - it is definitely a form of abuse and i'm very sorry your sense of self and self-worth has been shaped in any way by such a person, especially a parent.

at least you have enough of yourself to question what you are being told and the way you are being told. i can tell you without reservation that he has no right to judge you or evaluate you. he is probably projecting his own low-self-worth and self doubts onto you. his evaluation of your character or actions may not even remotely reflect any kind of reality. but in any case, everyone's perceptions are necessarily subjective and distorted and cannot be taken as fact. information maybe, but not a matter of fact. so i wish you great strength, love, and unwavering purpose in examining the self-image he has created for you and learning to question all of it. it's a long road but every turning point is well worth the effort.

My father is much the same way as yours, bobba. Now, he genuinely cares for me, as is made evident by years of him bending over backwards to meet my needs and, when possible, fulfill my wants, and I've been told that he worries himself almost to tears over me, but his communication style can be rather aggressive (it's not just with me--he's verbally aggressive to most people he gets close enough to).

There's a rather angsty post about it in the Letter Unsent thread of the Haven (here) if anyone wants to read my thoughts on the matter at their most melodramatic.

I, a few family members, and even a therapist have pointed out to him that this style of communication is not terribly effective, especially with somebody as sensitive as I am, but change is difficult, especially for someone in his mid-sixties whose own father treated him harshly.

*sigh*

I cannot say whether either of our fathers are doing "right"; they both have good enough intentions, it seems (or at least that I can testify that mine does; I do not really know your father and can thus not speak for his intentions), but the way in which they carry out these intentions can be a bit cruel. Is it still abuse if the perpetrator does not intend to harm the victim?

I wish that I had some advice for you, but the only thing that I can say is try to see the good in him past the cruel, if you can, and distance yourself, if you need to. It may also help to find some song, artwork, or piece of literature that you find uplifting and have that at your disposal when you need to remind yourself that there's more than just your faults.


May you find peace in this situation, bobba and those in similar predicaments.