Hello, everybody! This is my first post on this forum. I joined because I was feeling really frustrated today, and I wanted someone to talk to. I am not entirely sure about whether or not I have Aspergers, but I do have many of its symptoms. I have always been shy, antisocial, and prone to depression, OCD, and anxiety. I also have many symptoms of ADHD. Because of these things, it has been hard for me to diagnose whether or not I have Aspergers, or just OCD, anxiety and ADHD combined. I know that many people are skeptical about self diagnoses, and I am, too, to a degree. But I would also like to think that people know themselves best.
I decided to do some deep reflection on my life, and wrote down the symptoms that I have in a notepad as they came to me. I feel that the diagnosis Aspergers wasn't going to be based on one or two glaring things, but on many subtle (subtle to me, at least) compounded symptoms that have made life difficult for me, or have at least have been pointed out to me as strange.
For the record I'm a 30-year-old woman who has a masters degree and teaches art. I should consider myself successful and be happy that I have achieved so much, but I still feel like there's this social and cognitive gap between me and most of the people that I meet. Like we experience the world differently. I only have a handful of friends, who I suspect are also on the spectrum.
So without further ado, here are my symptoms:
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-Toe-walking since childhood, but only toe-walk now when I am particularly excited.
-Mumbling or slurred speech when I'm relaxed or not paying attention.
-Difficult with small talk, as I don't know how to continue a conversation. I get anxiety from talking to other people in general.
-Depression as a young child. I'd look at other kids and felt guilty that they were so happy. This was even during fun activities.. I suspect part of it was because these 'happy' situations were usually social ones. I could be happy by myself playing make believe or being around like minded people.
-I have some problems not knowing how much eye contact is appropriate. I'm not sure if this happened after I read it was an autistic trait so it became on my radar, but it does make me nervous, I think because people's emotions are powerfully evident in their eyes.
-I have always had problems recognizing when it is my time to talk in a conversation, and I tend to interrupt people. After I became conscious of this I learned to apologize for it. I can talk over people sometimes and I am very stuck in my own head.
-I deeply focus on certain interests. It feels like I'm going through episodes where I'm intensely interested in something then it switches to another interest, but I usually come back to the same interest later, or I research a couple of the same interests at once. I talk my interests at people.
-I turn everyday life into systems in my brain to help me become more organized and to put order to my world. I don't like when someone tells me that the rules are one way and then they go against their own rules. Sometimes this can be because I simply misunderstood the situation, and expected vastly different results. I expect different results than others a lot it seems. I am also very literal minded. When someone tells me something I believe them right away. Call it naivety, stupidity, or the nicer term: innocence.
-I always get mad at myself because of my lack of ability to socialize better. But when I do socialize I get exhausted from
hanging around more than two people at once. I have meltdowns (maybe?) where I cry when I am alone after I visit my boyfriend's family, or stay with his friends during vacation.
-I've always been rebellious instead of conformist.
-I have a deep pool of empathy to others despite being stuck in my own head.
-I have a stimming (I think it is) habbit where I make a fist and put my hand over my nose. I do this a lot while I'm on the computer.
-I flicked my fingers as a child, but then a girl at school made fun of me for doing so, so I stopped.
-I feel overwhelmed by simple tasks, and I am a very sensitive person.
-I'm physically sensitive to heat and noise, definitely more so than most people.
-I prefer only functional and comfortable clothing and feel less feminine because of this.
-My mother is very strange, cold physically, very childish, and emotionally up and down. I hold a lot of resentment toward her, but I believe she might be on the spectrum.
-My brother rocked into adulthood.
-I have outbursts of anger and depression at home where I feel I can express myself.
-Feel heavily repressed and forced to conform in everyday life, especially in the work place, and as a woman.
-I'm shy and antisocial.
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So there is my laundry list of symptoms. I just got insurance so I'll be sure to see a professional soon. A part of me is afraid that if I am diagnosed with Aspergers that I will get negative repercussions at my work place somehow. I'm also afraid of the social stigma, and people thinking that I'm using it as a crutch. I don't want an excuse to be who I am, I just need a proper context in which to understand myself better.
03 Apr 2014, 8:18 pm
