Finally diagnosed, now dealing with unexpected fallout

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I finally got my official diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder (since apparently aspergers isn't a diagnosis anymore) through school, and I'm dealing with a LOT of unexpected and overwhelming anxiety, depression, and emotions and I'm not sure how to cope. Can information and self discovery alone lead to sensory overload? It feels like it...

I've spent the last ten years of my life trying desperately to get a college degree. I've always made good grades (often among the best in the class) despite never showing up to class, and I've always managed to at least not be fired from a job while going to school, but at some point I get completely overwhelmed and shut down and change majors because I don't know what else to do (and each time I've agonized over the decision, and it always seemed like the most logical choice....

So now that I'm diagnosed, I'm overwhelmed by all these new connections I'm making, such as, I'm not lazy I just hit sensory overload, and I'm not stupid I just don't process information like others. This comes as a relief, but I'm feeling more profound regret, like the past 10 years of being stuck in between adult and teenager could have been avoided completely. I'm having a difficult time seeing that the past is the past, but I have help now.

I'm also terrified of beginning to work with a psychiatrist at school and letting teachers know and getting help. Part of this is because it's all new and seems like a lot of steps to add to an already overwhelming schedule, but part of it is that I've spent my entire life working so hard at avoiding any kind of social and personal humiliation because the consequences of it have always been huge... now I have to learn how to humble myself and accept that I need hand holding. I refuse to allow my ambivalence to show through or stop me from getting the help, but the feelings are there regardless.

I know for a fact I'm finally doing what I need to be doing and will graduate in two years with a degree in computer science which is wonderful, but now I'm also terrified that I'll stop qualifying for federal aid for being in school so long and I've been reading everywhere how there is practically no government support for people with high functioning autism. That would be like getting tackled at the one yard line, right when everything is in my grasp... the alternative becomes working for minimum wage, multiple jobs, 80+ hours a week, and still not be making enough to pay my bills, while also not making enough to get counseling and help but having to live with the knowledge that I have aspergers. This is weighing heavier on me recently as well.

I desperately just want to crawl into a hole and not move... ever... but obviously my classes continue and so does work, despite my anxiety and 3 hours of sleep a night recently. So anyone else gone through something similar? Any advice to help me snap out of this and back to focusing on being successful?

What sort of grants do you get--Pell, etc.

Have you taken out student loans?

I think the most important thing is to make sure those final 2 years are paid for. If that be so, you'll be all right. You'll get the touchdown.

I know, in the US, they charge for formal accommodations--alas!

You should work with the psychiatrist--perhaps he could help you in getting free accommodations.

Some professors would probably be amenable if you ask them nicely; others will be adamantly against it, unless they are forced to.

Definitely: take advantage of any internships offered--you could put those on your resume.

Hey, I can relate. I was finally accurately diagnosed last year, and working through it (intellectually and emotionally) took some time. My experience has been that it does get better. I have to continue to be patient with myself. What works for me is to recognize when I am approaching overload and then find some diversionary activity until I get re-centered. Sometimes that involves doing something else, sometimes thinking about something else, and sometimes meditation (learning to empty my brain and stop thinking).

At first I was appalled at how little I could handle until I became overwhelmed, but it was kind of like begin a workout routine at the gym: start small and allow plenty of rest time. For me professional help was essential; otherwise my mind will just run around in circles of anxiety and depression.

So for me, the solution has not been a "snap out of it", but rather being gentle with myself and allowing my time to process this large amount of new information and gradually climb out of it.

Congrats on finally getting a diagnosis that enlightens a path to a better life!

You are definitely not lazy or bad, and my heart aches for you. I never pursued college but I feel like I have had similar struggles in other areas. Maybe it will take a while for the emotional and mental turmoil to calm down as you adjust to the new knowledge of yourself -- for me, it was kind of exciting to find out that I had Asperger's and that's the reason why I could never manage being a grownup (besides stress, a job and bills).

You see yourself as a teenager? Hi, I'm 10.

I went through all those feelings too when I was diagnosed a couple of years back. A counsellor told me: "Don't become the diagnosis. Use the knowledge about you that you gain from the diagnosis". At first it sounded silly, simply and obvious... but it makes more sense later.

Hi, as far as school and learning, I feel I have benefitted from something I first heard from Temple Grandin, that there are generally three types of thinkers:

1) abstract thinkers, such as people who can be good at math, chess, maybe music,

2) story / narrative thinkers, who might really take to the case study approach if the circumstances are right, and

3) visual thinkers, like Temple herself.

With some overlap of course, for example, people can have one preferred style and maybe another style or two where they're kind of okay but not great.

I am a story / narrative thinker. This explains why I tend to do well in biology and geology classes, but struggle with the general approach of chemistry and physics courses. And I tend to do either very well in math classes, or poorly. almost to the point where I get either an A or an F in a math class, not quite that bad but close. Because if I have the time and personal space to translate the math concepts into a story in my own words, I tend to do really well. If not, then I really struggle.

My partner took 11 years to finish her undergraduate degree. She changed majors multiple times, and took extended periods off from school. But if you keep at it, you will finish. I think it takes a lot more willpower and determination to finish in 11 years than to do it in 4 straight.

With some college, you don't have to be limited to a minimum wage job. Sounds like you are close to finishing. Employers look well on this, even if you haven't finished. Large companies will pay your tuition if you work while going to school, so if you run into a problem paying for school, this is an option for you. You'd be getting paid AND getting free tuition.

Will try to write more later....

Thank you all so much for the replies! I'm terrible on forums trying to figure out how to summarize information and what is important, so if I don't mention a reply, it doesn't mean I didn't read it and take it into account.

It's interesting, because tonight was a perfect conglomeration of what it's like living as an aspie for me; both the good and the bad. My boyfriend got us tickets to see Mylie Cyrus. We get there, and soon after look for the smoking section. At this point I'm drunk enough to walk up to employees and confidently ask for directions. We get to the door, which clearly has a sign that says "no re-entry" on it. I politely ask the security guy there, "I'm assuming this is the smoking patio, can we get back in?" To which he replied, "can you read?" Immediately my heart stopped because I knew what was coming. Another awful social moment where I don't know the rules and will be put on display. I've been here many times before. I point to the door, "Yeah... doesn't it say no re-entry?" "Turn around..." he replied. He rudely repeated himself 10 times before I finally saw the sign with instructions on getting back in. It was on the opposite wall. My autism was put on display like a monkey at the zoo in front of about 7 other people standing at that same door, and my boyfriend. Fortunately the alcohol spoke for me, so as I'm walking out the door I say while making eye contact, and loud enough that not only the 7 people around me can here, but a few people outside can too, "thanks for the kind information ass wipe!" Not the greatest of comebacks, but for the first time in my life, I decide I don't deserve to be bullied for no other reason than I think differently. So now, even sober, I'm proud of that first line in the sand despite how horribly it hurt my feelings and humiliated me (and how generally immature my drunken response was). It also gave me the perfect opportunity to share with my understanding boyfriend (who was also pissed at the security guy) what being on the spectrum feels like every single day. Every single moment of social interaction is me working in overdrive to avoid exactly that moment, where I step on a land mine and there is no recovery. That moment happens almost every day, and it always feels awful.

The actual concert however is where my autism shines. It's one of the few times in my life where sensory overload is welcome. I stand there and accept all of the sensory input. It's got to be what a heavy drug trip would feel like. I don't fight it, I don't resist it, I just float away into the strobing lights, screaming fans, thumping bass. It's a strange kind of euphoria that fills me with chills and awe, enough to bring me to tears (not in a bad way). Everything feels like a dream and nothing else exists, not even bully security guards. No past, no future, no autism, no regrets. Just pure sensory euphoria.

Until the concert is over and I have the worst migraine of my life and I'm literally not above shoving people to get the hell out of the stadium and home where I can lay in a dark room, cover up tightly in blankets, and weigh a pillow down over my head with my arm for at least an hour.

So this is my life. I guess tonight, and your replies (I was reading them on my cell phone immediately after being bullied because I felt a need for reassurance from people who get it) put into focus who I am, and that that person is pretty amazing. I have always found ways to make life work somehow, and to turn awful experiences into something positive. So all this made me realize that with this diagnoses, the only outcome will be that my best is a little bit better. Thank you all for the advice and support to this internet stranger through his crazy meltdown. I'm sure the anxiety will return as I near thursday and meet with my psychiatrist for our first session, but tonight life seems okay, and that's a precious thing.

I just graduated 3 months ago. It took me a little over 11 years to get my degree. I worked full time and went to school full time the last two years. It was too much. Now that I have my degree, I no longer wish to continue in my career. I feel that my 20's were a waste. I have a degree that is worthless and a career that I hate. I just try not to think of the future. When I was in school, I didn't have time to think. I just muscled through and felt miserable the whole time. So, just muscle through, one day at a time. You'll get your degree. Then you'll move on to the next stage of your life.