Who else finds autism depressing?

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Hello everyone!

Aspertastic here, a poster with aspergers.

I don't know about the rest of you, but at times I find ASD highly depressing to read about, even though I have it myself

Just look at what a majority of the postings here are about: Loneliness, social confusion, deeply hurt feelings, and worst of all bullying.

While I felt lonely and kind of socially unconnected in middle and high school, I do suppose it was a really great thing I was not horribly bullied the way many people on this forum have been.

Does it not make sense that it is depressing to read about? Its as if we are imprisoned in a glass box from the day we are born, and only gradually year by year are we able to make some progress at getting out of said box.

Everything that is important and good is so hard and in doubt for us. Getting a job, Doing well in school, and making friends are very difficult for us and impossible for some without the sufficient support. I've read stories ( on this forum) of schools having to be dragged kicking and screaming to provide the most, basic, baseline adequate support for an autistic child (which they are legally obligated to do anyway !"

We tend to cause great worry and sadness for our parents for a lot of things, and our outcomes depend largely( but not completely) on how good they are.
Id like to think my (reasonably large) social circle and law school acceptance were all my own work and personality. It was to a large extent, but also because my parents found a great ( now deceased) therapist to work with my while younger, and are just lovely people all around. It seems that autism is one of the few fields, where so few people who work with autism really understand the disorder, and so many ( aides, workers etc.) don't know much about it and aren't that effective

There are times when I start reading about autism because I am intrigued, then abandon doing so, feeling sad and disheartened, that I just prefer to fill my mind with things Im interested in ( history, literature, current events, different cultures)

Does anyone else feel this way?

I notice the media often portrays AS as positive. We're brilliant, a little quirky, but we have awesome jobs because of our interests and bla bla bla. AS is who I am, but I often am jealous of how much easier it is for others. I often feel there's an invisible barrier between me and the world and I can't break it down no matter how hard I try.

It's alright. It's not worse or better than being NT.

I know the feeling of "watching the world through a glass wall" but I learned to use it for myself. It prevents me from entering the social life fully but when used right it can also protects me from being hurt because it doesn't allow bad social things come to me.

Being on the spectrum makes getting a mate or friends harder but are those stuff really that important? For us? Those are NT world priorities. Personally I consider friends and even love nice but not the highest priority, I wouldn't know how to deal with them anyway. Doing what you love to do and being yourself is more important. And I like myself.

AS actually makes me do better at school since I can focus on my studies much better than most of NT people (I like getting knowledge so I can intentionally use the special interest focus thing when studying a subject I like even if its not so special) and my IQ is higher than normal so I can learn even if something is not interesting. That's true I was bullied a lot as a child but its not like that anymore so I am over it. You can't live the past.

Being oversensitive to some stimuli can be a good thing. For example I learned that my hear sensitivity can help me diagnose a computer problem which might be useful in my future job (I am studying to be IT specialist) and I can also use it in everyday life. I can recognize some people just by hearing their steps before I can even see them and I can say exactly what is happening in another room of my house without checking so I don't have to ask "Are you all right? What was the sound right now?!" like my parents do. Being oversensitive can be distracting at times, thats true but still, it is not all bad if you know how to use it.

While getting a job is really harder due to lack of social cues AS actually make us a better workers once we get a job we like. When we work the boss can clearly see how useful we are because we are loyal, hardworking, smart, competent and honest. We only need to learn how to act in some situations (like the job interview or the boss asking us about something fragile - we don't have to be masters in this field but we have to learn some of the rules so we won't make obvious mistakes) and we will do just fine.

At least that's what I believe.

Being negative is not an aspie thing. It's a personal way of view that can be changed. I used to think negatively but I realized it won't make me happy. So I decided I will try to see something good in everything that happens to me even if it looks 100% bad at first. I told myself "Happy is how I naturally feel. Bad things can make me sad for a while but I will naturally float to being happy again with the time" and "There are things I can't change but I can change the way I look at them.". And it works.

Reading about autism actually makes me feel better - it says about my weak sides but reminds me I am strong enough to overcome them everyday and I do it well. It's quite comforting, don't you think?

Last edited by Kiriae on 13 Apr 2014, 3:30 pm, edited 5 times in total.

You can't get out of the "box," Aspertastic424, because that "box" is hardwired into your brain, in the form of an overabundance of sensory neuroreceptors. You can only learn to function as efficiently as possible within those confines, by developing more and more sophisticated coping mechanisms. Your autistic goggles aren't walls around you, they're inside your head.

Those extra neuroreceptors mean your body's nervous system is constantly attempting to process more incoming sensory stimuli than the human brain was designed to handle, leading to a perpetual state of distraction (causing one to miss or misinterpret many nonverbal social signals) and a permanently elevated state of low-grade anxiety. And yes, that's very depressing, as it lends itself to all sorts of misunderstandings and impairments.

If we weren't able to develop those coping mechanisms and learn to feign the outward appearance of some sort of normalcy, we'd end up just sitting and stimming, succumbing to the hypertension and stress and unable to even communicate our pain and suffering to anyone around us, just the way our lower functioning brothers and sisters do. This is why I take issue with people who refer to AS/HFA as "mild" autism. I don't believe it is mild, or that there can be such a thing as "mild autism," the only difference is in one's ability to function in spite of the intensity of the strain on our nervous system.

I'm especially irritated by people who think that because we are able to maintain that facade of functionality, that our disabilities are not real or are inconsequential compared to those who can only rock and bang their heads against the wall, that in reality, the fact that we do appear functional actually makes our situation more difficult and painful. Nobody cuts us any slack for being handicapped and nobody handles our difficult situations for us. We're on our own, defects and all.

If you obviously can't take care of yourself, then nobody expects you to. However, if you appear to be relatively functional, then you're expected to be able to do whatever everyone else is doing, no excuses. If you don't, then you don't have a neurological impairment, you're just a whining loser. Failure to measure up to the norm is never the result of a handicap, it's a personal shortcoming. Because our disability is invisible, it isn't treated as real.

How could that lead to anything but a lifetime of alienation, isolation and depression?

I used to be a depressed pessimist about Asperger's, blaming all my problems on Asperger's and asking the repeating question ''why me?'' to myself over and over. But just recently, I think that ship is beginning to sail. Having seen more than one person I know who are just as on the spectrum as I am have found themselves a loving partner that is opening doors for them (and they are only in their early 20's like me) has made me learn that it is not always necessarily Asperger's that is the root to all your problems in life. The main problem is your luck, in other words, fate. These Aspie people that I know once were lonely young people, now they happened to be in the right place at the right time and are out and about doing things with their partners, which is widening their opportunities of going further and meeting more people and gaining confidence. So I have learnt that if that could happen to them, it could happen to me too, right?

So now I have gotten to the point where I don't care if I have Asperger's or not. I am not proud of it at all, nor do I like telling outsiders about it because I get embarrassed, but I do tend to focus on life now, not just Asperger's. Those people that I know were just lucky to find these loving partners. They didn't intentionally go out of their way to meet these loving partners. They just found them when and where they least expected it. It was just fate, giving them a chance. I am hoping that fate will give me that chance too, although it does seem to be taking it's sweet time.

Yes I am still jealous of them, but at the same time it has taught me a lesson that there is hope for Aspies too, so no matter how lonely you are, Asperger's doesn't have to be depressing. Things can just happen out of the blue; the right person could come along one day and fall in love with you then start loving you enough to want to take you on wonderful holidays like to Poland to see the concentration camps, and to Italy to try pasta dishes, and to Hawaii to relax under palm trees on the beach.....

I want a boyfriend!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

I suppose I was unfair in saying all aspies wanted the same things.

Friendship/ love isn't a big priority for some, perhaps partly because they don't want it, and partly they wouldn't know what to do even if they did have it.

I am a bit different however. I have always loved talking and joking and relating, and always felt terribly sad when I had the longest social dry spells of all. All I have ever wanted was a group of friends I really liked, and liked hanging out with and felt the same way about me. Though Ive had friends here and there, and social groups I was kind of part of, I never got ( and still don't have) what it is Ive always longed for. I know I am not alone .

True, Aspergers does help people be passionate and skilled about an academic issue, whether it be science, art, history or math. However it also makes organization, note taking, paying attention as a whole hard, ( I just used the word "school" as a very very broad term to encompass all of that.)

Math was a killer for me though.. thank god Im not taking it anymore.....

I know the glass box is in my brain.. Im just descrbing how I personally have felt... just so handicapped at times, and only gradually becoming less so with each passing year..

I dont want to be a downer, but sometimes I just feel angry at the way the world treats us, whether peers or school districts.

I take a step back from the stream of pain and negativity when it gets too intense. I just focus on me and my problems. There is way too much pain in the world for me to emotionally take on everything that I become aware of. My own case of AS is enough to get me depressed. For me, what happens as I get older is that I begin to more clearly see the glass box I am entrapped in and how others (not trapped in the box) have it is so much easier than me (or at least seem to anyway).

Others may have it easier than you without a doubt. That is the nature of the world, that some people have more advantages than others.

The quesiton is, have you your self done much to seek help for your problems and shortcomings you wish to improve on?

Having aspergers and being an NT both have many depressing sides, as well as many inspiring strengths. However, these sides, as well as the demands and fears are often opposite each other.

The world however favours NTs, as on average they see more success and happiness in life. Are they more skilled? Not necessarily. The main 'culprit' here is that the way our world is built favours the strengths of NTs. Why, you may ask? Simple, they make up a much bigger portion of the population, it only makes sense to build the world for them. If the Aspie-NT ratio were reversed, the world would be very different, (for example, long term memory would be super-important, and social skills would be a 'nice' thing to have, but wouldn't be needed) and NTs would often be forced to overcome their weaknesses.

Keep in mind that just like how no two aspies are the same, no two NTs are the same either. Simply the fact that the world isn't built for you gives you two options: 1. do your best to fit in while in a world designed for people who's brains are wired differently, or 2. specialize in something specific (hopefully a special interest of yours) and find a way to succeed in life through that. Neither is easy, which can lead you to being depressed. You say you've found an accepting social circle, and that's something to be proud of, so you've proven you can, to an extent overcome your challenges. Keep at it

meh, ive always been happy

when i was a baby i was content playing alone and stacking random objects obsessing about little things

and now i am pretty happy, sitting in my room sourounded by sonic on my computer, isolated from the chaos beyond my front door.

sure i get depressed sometimes but i blame other people for that

I just want to let you know that I really appreciated reading this post. It really helped me look at the big picture and put my AS into perspective. It's also nice to know that I'm not the only one who sees the invisibility of AS as a huge disadvantage - people see me as normal as I am capable of putting on a good show, but neurologically I'm as AS as the next aspie. This creates a huge gap between others' expectations of me and what I'm actually capable of. And of course this makes me look like a "whining loser". I agree with everything you said. And eventually putting on a show for too long takes a huge toll on me and I burn out. Reading social cues is practically impossible for me - but some situations make it REALLY HARD not to look like an idiot, especially high-stress situations where everyone is so reliant on social cues (i.e. medicine). Which is why, although I am so fascinated by the "cool" subjects like emergency med and internal med, I realize that my disability means I can't go into a specialty that involves too much teamwork and too much social interaction under stress because no matter how hard I try I am utterly horrendous at it. And the saddest part? The invisibility of my disease means that nobody even REALIZES how hard it is for me or sees it as an excuse whatsoever. Sometimes I even doubt my ability to practice, period.

And that's when I realize what the most depressing thing about ASD is - your goals are within our reach, but you barely miss them as there is one thing standing in our way - our inability to get people to like us enough to appease the gatekeepers. Because our struggles are completely invisible. Stuff everyone else gets automatically and takes for granted are so hard for us to surmount. So people just don't get it, and they blame us. They don't recognize our hard work and dedication because they are blinded by our tactlessness. They see us as selfish - our behaviours are just self-serving because we "don't care how others feel" about the things we do - or at least that's how they see us. And we're aware enough to know this, but not aware enough to know how to stop or prevent it. It's like being in a glass prison with the key just out of your reach, just lying on a table in plain sight.