Help. I think my beloved now ex has ASD/aspergers

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Hey there,

I broke up with the most wonderful guy recently due to my inability to cope with his strange ways, lack of skills, not always thinking about me etc etc. It was a very hurtful and nasty breakup. I am writing to ask you if you think he might be have some form of ASD and if so, what should I do, if anything.

I knew from the start he was a bit "different". We met at my workplace. He is very attractive. When I used to walk past him, before we started talking, he really stared at me. Literally eyes following me. Eventually I talked to him in the kitchen. It became a ritual that every time I was in making my coffee, he would come in. Every single time. That went on for some weeks. His conversations were a bit odd sometimes. I couldnt get eye contact. Sometimes he would really drivel on. He admitted he drivelled and it usually drove people away. Eventually someone told me he liked me. I had to take the iniative though and organised a night out. He asked me out that night, and that was that.

He has been the most loving boyfriend Ive ever had. I trusted him 100%. He was always telling me he loved me, and gave me loads of hugs and kisses. People said they could see it in his eyes that he was in love with me. He bought me some lovely gifts, always things that he knew I would like. He took us out for food, to the cinema etc etc.

His friends had told me before we started going out, that he hadnt really had a long term relationship in many years. I think his last one was at university - 20 years ago. Since then he has only had very short term things. He said he never met anyone interesting. I was due to looks, and the fact Im half foreign, Ive lived abroad, speak another language..

There have been lots and lots of small things, but also bigger things, that have raised my eyebrows during the relationship. Some of these have turned out to be breakers. Some people have said, that he is simply a lazy batchelor who is stuck in his ways and wont take responsibility. I dont believe this. I do think he tried, but couldnt do it. Some of these traits were:

Has routines, that he cant or doesnt want to break from. In at 7am on the dot every day to work. He only eats fruit and carrots until he goes home. He eats the same stuff just about, every evening, when he is on his own, which he gets every evening at the local supermarket on his way home from work. He has to go in for overtime, every weekend. He dug his heels in when I suggested doing something with the day as a couple for a change. He doesnt need the money. He would insist on only travelling one particular route to/from mine, even though there were other ways that were quicker. Theres a bus stop outside but he wanted to walk the route he usually does that would take him 30 minutes to get him to the metro station. He has certain routines at work, and when he gets home. Routines at the weekend. Its routines everywhere.

His personal possessions consist of books, but these are kept in boxes, in his bedroom, which looks like a storage cupboard. He loves history. He lives history. But only in books. His clothes are hung out all over the bedroom, not in the wardrobe, and ironed to perfection. Toiletries are stacked in a particular way in the bathroom. He has used the same one shower gel/shampoo for about 10 years, and buys it in bulk. When he moaned about his hair being unruly, I got him some "hair stuff" but he simply refuses to even try it.

Eating habits strange. As I said, he would only take in fruit and carrots to work. When he eats, he holds the utensils like a 2 year old. He shovels food down his throat like someone who has starved for days. I had to get him to slow down. He only wanted to eat fish. I did get him to eat other stuff, as I was doing all the cooking, but he is sometimes like a child asking for fish, even though he eats it every night he is alone. He never used to eat breakfast. Since meeting me he does, but it is a massive bowl of cereal with no milk. He has eaten off the plate with his fingers, and been childish like showing me whats in his mouth (I found this very wierd). He always repeats the same joke when we are in a restaurant about forgetting his cash and needing to run out of the door. Ive told him that he said that one last time, but he still repeats it.

He cant food prep very well at all. Cant use a tin opener. Cant chop an onion. His co-ordination is dreadful. He is clumsy. He cant focus when he is making food. He will take a break, but its not 5 minutes, he will go on the internet, and then its half and hour and the food will burn. It takes him another half an hour to make a simple salad.

When he washes up, sometimes he puts dirty things in with the clean. What he does wash, he rinses the cup or plate or whatever 5 or 6 times.

He always seems to do half jobs, with any task. Eg close the curtains, he would leave them half open. Yet had serious issues with my messiness! (which is fair enough).

He was work obsessed, but never challenged himself to any kind of promotion. He talks about work all the time. When I leave work, it stays at the office. I have known him to talk about it in bed, and other inopportune moments! He is good at his job, which involves calculations and rules.

He is obsessed with saving money, but doesnt use it on anything. It just sits there in the bank. Apparently he has been wanting to buy his own home for.... 10 years. He owns nothing other than books and an old TV.

One of the things I did find difficult, as Im disabled myself, is that he cant drive. When I tried to talk to him about it, he just said "good look with that" like a child talking to a parent. I got a similar response when I asked him about learning a recipe. Anyway after I got upset doing all the driving, we had had a talk, and he said that he would learn. This was the thing that led to the breakup, as he never even got his provisional licence. When I asked him what was going on, he arrogantly snorted at me and said he wasnt going to do it, and admitted he had agreed just to shut me up. He could not see what the problem was with the fact that his disabled girlfriend was having to do all the driving and hence all the big jobs.

His view about my disability was "everyone has an ailment". He cant see the massive impact it has on my life (I have hypermobility and fibromyalgia, and have previously been unable to walk and in a wheelchair. Im up on feet now but have a lot of problems).

When he would be home from work, or at the weekends, alone, he would go to sleep on his 2 seater sofa. He did the same at mine. I had to have words with him. He said he just liked sleeping all the time. I couldnt understand it. Sometimes he would go off to bed at 9pm here and I had to explain that wasnt fun for me. I couldnt get him to stay awake much though. Otherwise he sits and watches DVDs or history programmes. He seems to have little self initiative. The only trips he does make is the occasional journeys to stay with his brother, or the odd lads weekend at a music festival. I had to seriously persuade him to think about going on a sunny holiday, and he said, he will never go on holiday for more than a week, no arguments!

He has got the worst bitten nails Ive ever seen, but denies any anxiety. However, he doesnt like going to social situations with new people. I took him to my dads 70th birthday and he was very uncomfortable. He said he does get anxious then.

Anyway, so thats a few things. I asked him last weekend if we could meet up and see each other in person and maybe talk about a few things before we saw each other at work, as it was going to be pretty difficult. His reply: We can just talk at work ?? And couldnt understand at all, why I got upset.

Anyway I persuaded him to a meetup, but he was wierd, cold, couldnt look at me, wouldnt respond when I tried to hold his hand. He said the relationship had not been working for him for months, but he hadnt told me, so he had no intention of trying to make it work out. He said things with me had bothered him, but he could not talk to me because he did not want any conflict or confrontation. Thing is, only 2 weeks before we had looked at a house together and only the weekend before he had talked to me about us trying for a baby. He said that we had never had a great relationship, it was only great because he agreed to everything. As you can imagine I was pretty hurt - in fact, furious too. I asked him to look me in the eyes and say he did not want us anymore, and he said he didnt. I walked away.

I had a breakdown that night. Sent a few text messages to him telling him what I thought of his attitude and lies (

Now we arent speaking, and are in the same workplace. I just cant do it, not at the minute. However, before I had realised about the possible autism, on reflection I felt that I had been harsh on him (making suggestions about his various "issues!" here there and everywhere), and so I sent him a letter. I sent this with a watch that he had bought me, as I felt I no longer could keep it. I can never wear it or look at it because it hurts too much.

We have pretty much avoided each other at work. Everyone is shocked by what has happened. We were very happy together. I am hurting like hell. I just want him back. Today he came over to my side of the office twice. Ive been putting on a brave face and tarting myself up so he doesnt know Im killing inside. This afternoon when I was talking to a workfriend he came over into our part of the office, pretended he was looking for someone, and looked over our way and then away when my friend caught his eye.

Thing is, what to do. What will he do? I dont know if autism/aspergers is anything that has ever crossed his mind. A few people have suggested that he has this, albeit very mild. I feel I am the only person who can talk to him about it, as I nearly lived with him and saw all the "finer points" of it. Of course his male friends cant talk with him. But me and him arent speaking. He did seem to have made his mind up about us. He is now going to work in London for 3 weeks and so will have some time away.

Sorry for the long essay here, but the situation is killing me. He is such a good guy, I feel Ive been mean and if it is the case that he has autistic traits, that we can work on it. Im not expecting changes from him really, but how we deal with the "issues". Is there any hope?

What to do ?

Thank you everyone.

Shanmoo

If things weren't working, and you were tired of the way he treated you and of the fact that he couldn't consistently tell the truth, why do you want him back?

As for the traits you describe, yes, he definitely sounds like he could have some higher functioning autistic traits, but I don't see why that should change anything; it wasn't the autistic traits that were the issue; laziness and lying are not an inherent part of autism, and would still be there even if you were to accommodate his disorder. The only way to deal with the issues without expecting him to change is to accept the fact that he's lazy and has a tendency to say things you want to hear regardless of their verisimilitude, and quell any feelings you have about them, which is not a healthy way to live. Just because he has a disability is no reason not to expect him to change the things about him that he is capable of changing; autism does not mean you have to take sole responsibility for making the relationship work.

Have you talked with him about the possibility that he might be on the spectrum? Sometimes learning that one has a disability like this can prompt people to get help, which may inadvertently help you as well.

Anyway, welcome to the forum, and good luck, I hope things work out for you.

Awesome use of "verisimilitude"!

I nor anybody here is a trained psychologist so we can't diagnose him. But he has a lot of autistic traits that can be other things also. If he is autistic the sleeping, going to bed at 9PM could be exhaustion from the socialization or sensory over stimulation at work.

Approaching him with Autism will be really tricky. If you confront him he may become overwhelmed and just clam up. To subtle and he will miss what you are trying to do. You or a male co worker could suggest or leave a note about this website saying this website helps people with social difficulties/anxiety. One person here actually found out that way. It's a long shot and there are no guarantees.

The expression "you can lead a camel to water but you can't make him drink" applies to this situation. You can't "fix" him. He needs accept it and only he can do that.

Thank you for the replies
I actually had a boyfriend a few years ago with similar traits, particularly the sleeping thing. He was later found to have aspergers. Mind he had mental health problems as well, and was much more complicated and difficult to deal with.

The him going along with me all the time, thats partly my fault. Im also not easy to deal with. Im mixed nationality, and the "foreign" side is "get on with it" culture. It makes me quite bossy and appear argumentative and unwilling to listen. Maybe I am. He liked me because Im mixed nationality. However he wouldnt have lasted 5 minutes with a full-blooded from my other side, as they are very high maintenance. Even the fellas are high maintenance.
Anyway we aren't speaking at the moment. This is all in the event that anything should ever happen that could bring us back together.

Hia Shanmoo.

You are a rare person to seek out the community of a condition that you suspect your friend/ex lover, may have. Very few people do that, so you've proven wiser in my humble opinion, straight up.

Since you came here asking opinions, I shall give you mine;

You are both first and foremost, humans. irrespective of what disorders, disabilities, quirks, or cross national challanges exist; the relationship must be a healthy equality based relationship. One can not be mother to the other, or one can not do all the work for the other. Otherwise you will wear yourself out and eventualy feel used.

Hope it all goes well for you.

It sounds like he has Asperger's to me, based on the diagnostic criteria and his behaviors.

welcome!
I really don't know if he has aspergers. It sounds possible but his behaviour can be explained by other things too.

If it helps I can tell you why he does this stuff

I had a breakdown that night. Sent a few text messages to him telling him what I thought of his attitude and lies (
Now we arent speaking, and are in the same workplace. I just cant do it, not at the minute. However, before I had realised about the possible autism, on reflection I felt that I had been harsh on him (making suggestions about his various "issues!" here there and everywhere), and so I sent him a letter. I sent this with a watch that he had bought me, as I felt I no longer could keep it. I can never wear it or look at it because it hurts too much.
We have pretty much avoided each other at work. Everyone is shocked by what has happened. We were very happy together. I am hurting like hell. I just want him back. Today he came over to my side of the office twice. Ive been putting on a brave face and tarting myself up so he doesnt know Im killing inside. This afternoon when I was talking to a workfriend he came over into our part of the office, pretended he was looking for someone, and looked over our way and then away when my friend caught his eye.
Thing is, what to do. What will he do? I dont know if autism/aspergers is anything that has ever crossed his mind. A few people have suggested that he has this, albeit very mild. I feel I am the only person who can talk to him about it, as I nearly lived with him and saw all the "finer points" of it. Of course his male friends cant talk with him. But me and him arent speaking. He did seem to have made his mind up about us. He is now going to work in London for 3 weeks and so will have some time away.
Sorry for the long essay here, but the situation is killing me. He is such a good guy, I feel Ive been mean and if it is the case that he has autistic traits, that we can work on it. Im not expecting changes from him really, but how we deal with the "issues". Is there any hope?
What to do ?

Thank you everyone.

Shanmoo

Two things particularly jumped out to me in what you wrote: "I am hurting like hell" and "If he has autistic traits, we can work on it".

Is it possible then that these two issues are fundamentally entwined in your overall perspective as to any future for your relationship with him: "If I can fix him, I can stop the hurt I feel".

If that rings true for you - it may or may not - and the relationship renewed itself on that basis, it would then operate in some state of codependency. And the tragedy in that kind of relationship is that ultimately, no-one needs are met - not the rescuer, (who tries harder and harder) and not the resister (who resists more and more).

If he is autistic - he may well be - he is what he is; he's not broken; you can't fix him. You can't transform him into someone more like the person you want to be with. This wouldn't be good for you either.

I'm sorry if this sounds unsympathetic. I hear your pain. It may be possible to rebuild some kind of friendship with him, though the basis for that is mutual respect, and if there are still things you genuinely respect about him, may be a possibility there.