Is this AS?

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I've never been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, but I've always known there was something different about me. When I was younger, I used to kid myself into thinking I was somehow superior to my family and classmates. What else could explain their inability to relate to me.

By the time I was 16, I was a real social outcast. I didn't know how to talk to anybody. One memory stands out above the rest, and it can more or less sum up the way I dealt with people. One day, someone I didn't know walked up to me with a smile and said hi. I looked at her, and these are the thoughts which raced through my mind:

What is her motive/purpose?
What can I say to get her to tell me?
How should I say it?

Before long, she gave me a nasty look and walked away. From her point of view, I just sat there and stared at her like an arrogant prick. From my point of view, she'd just taken a hostile action without giving me an explanation.

Anyway, I became so terrified of going to school that I started ditching class. I went to see a counselor, and then a psychologist, and they slapped me with an ADHD diagnosis, put me on Adderall, and moved on. But the symptoms didn't match up, and the "medicine" made me faint, shaky, and made my insomnia worse than it ever had been. While I was on it, I even forgot to eat unless someone or something reminded me. So I stopped taking the meds, refused to see the doctors, dropped out of high school, and eventually found myself kicked out of my house. Go me!

Living in the real world made me realize that the rest of the world didn't have a problem-- I did. I knew there was something wrong with me, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I researched everything I could think of, and I'd even convinced myself that I was becoming schizophrenic. Eventually, I narrowed it down to panic disorder, and I was more or less content with that. Then I read about Asperger's Syndrome.

Asperger's Syndrome is the only condition I've read about that matches my symptoms completely. I can't bring myself to see a psychologist about it, because, quite frankly, I don't think I'd be able to communicate my experiences to her. I imagine myself bringing in an article about AS, pointing to the symptoms, and saying "That's me!" only to have the professional tell me how silly I am and pass it off as something else.

I honestly don't know how to describe the way I think without sounding like a complete and total nutcase. There are no words to describe my thought processes, and even if they were, I'd have to translate my thoughts from whatever form they exist in into English, and that's tough. When I do speak, that's exactly what I feel like I'm doing. I feel like I have an extra process in my mind set aside doing Babelfish translations from thought-language to English, and it doesn't do a very good job.

And my emotions are even worse. I have emotions, but I have no clue how to describe them. No matter what words I try to use, they sound empty and hollow, or too carefully crafted. I can't feel what I say. I can only give you my (hopefully) objective analysis of what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, and just how silly it all is. In fact, the only way I'm able to feel like I'm expressing my emotions is to act like a 3-year-old. Baby talk. Biting. Licking. Tickling. Hitting. It's unmanageable, and it still can't convey the depth of what I feel, so I just avoid it entirely.

And sometimes, my mind just takes on a life of its own and would leave me wondering what the heck was going on, if I were even really aware of it. I zone out, and my thoughts drift to a million different things, seemingly simultaneously. Sometimes they shift back and forth between three different fantasy scenarios, a problem I was trying to solve at work, what I want to eat for dinner, and some indescribable, irrational mix of all of them.

My mind doesn't just "go off on a tangent." My mind IS a tangent, and it doesn't like to be interrupted. If I'm in even a mildly "spacey" state, I can't stand to be touched or distracted. Every touch feels like a violation, an intrusion into "me," take it as you will. Casual background noise can seem almost like nails on a chalkboard, and an affectionate touch can feel almost as bad as pushing on a bruise(though not in exactly the same way, it's hard to describe).

But it has its advantages. Because everything I analyze spawns a few more related thought processes, I seem to have an affinity for programming. When I program, I don't even think about what I'm doing. I just think about what I want the program to do, and my fingers do all the work. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know what every little procedure, every section of code, does, and when I think about two of them at the same time, my thoughts spin off on a tangent that seems to show me exactly how they'll interact. It's great in theory, but I can't explain my coding to anyone.

To some extent, the same thing applies to my daily life. I look at the world as a system of systems, and when I see two parts of that system, I usually know (without knowing how I know) how they'll interact. But I'll be damned if I can explain it, and when I try, I sound like an idiot.

Have I mentioned that it's much, much, much easier to type than it is to speak?

So yeah, enough about my self-centered rant. I just honestly don't feel like anyone can understand what my life is like without knowing all the details, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one of "my kind," as silly as that sounds. Does this seem like AS to you? If so, how have you coped? All I've been able to do is mimmic my peers' behavior and attitutdes and try to pass myself off as a human being.

`dp

Yeah, you've got Aspergers.

Welcome to the wonderful world of Autism.

You probably DO have ADHD, but some meds for ADHD interact with AS, creating BAD side effects. I became paranoid and violent on Riddilin(sp?) as well as losing feeling in my left leg. Strattera seems to work for me, along with Zoloft for AS related depression.

It sounds as though you've got a pretty advanced case of Social Anxiety, as well, which is no oddity among the AS population.

My social anxiety has gotten much better. I've learned to mimmic behavioral norms quite a bit better, and I constantly remind myself that others' opinions won't kill me. If things get really bad, I just rattle off what I need to say, in its entirety, at 200 MPH and hope they can keep up with me. I don't do well with speaking slowly, because my mind starts picking out synonyms (and negative antonyms) and inserting them into my speech.

"I have don't need a car vehicle." is a good example of the side effects of speaking slowly.

I like this part:

On the whole, this is a great essay on what it feels like to have aspergers, for me in any case. Probably just about the best I've seen. I'd go through point by point and tell you you're not alone, but that would be superfluous. Welcome to the group.

Last edited by maldoror on 20 Feb 2007, 7:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

i stopped going to high school after i got enough credits to graduate. i am still signed up for some classes right now but i will never goto them. i still have to go in at the end of this year and write the IB math HL exam, necause my mum already paid for it. but i have no worries about it. i have already taken all the calculus they are going to teach, and the rest is just basic(to me) math.
i code exactly the same way you do i also find with physics i do pretty much the same thing. i find it hard to explain how i solved a problem but i can write down all the math i do. i remember one time in grade 12 physics (i took in grade 10) i had a really hard time explaining how i did 1 question to the teacher. i drew a diagram of triangles trying to represent it and he just said he will give me the benefit of the doubt because i had the answer correct. another time i remember a question gave no reference to what is "up" or the x-axis or the normal or w/e, so i did an entire problem witch every vector relative to the first one, as if the first one was just 0. the teacher did not like this and wanted us to assume "up" on the paper was "up" on the diagram. i have a hard time making such assumptions.
also i agree typing is easier then talking. i always described it as "talking takes too much effort." i am told i talk slow too, but i type incredibly fast.
and to solve all ur probs... just don't. u dont need to socialize, u dont need to goto school, u dont need anything. just sit at home on ur comp. wikipedia and google will be ur best friends. maybe a job will be nice but dont push it

Yes,it sounds like ASpergers to me.As far as getting a DX.Big debate as to if there is any thing of advantage to this.What would it accomplish for you.I decided to do it(at the over-ripe age of 43)and got very little benifit,other then a realization that there are other people with some similiar issues.Spending time on WP has probably done more for me in this regaurd,as I read of others writing and feel like they are "stealing my words and thoughts"(Not in the schezophrinic way.. )when ever I read their posts.

How do you cope? is a little vague.As best as I can with a few time outs in psych wards when I was younger.

I believe only a Psych or neurologist can say for sure if you have AS, and even then it can be shaky ground. I do not believe others are really qualified to say for sure that yes you have AS...if we were, we would be slapping labels on others left, right and centre and there would be no use whatsoever for psychology or indeed for diagnosis since these are the people who come up with the diagnostic criteria, lol. I would say, if you are sure, fine. If you want to be even more sure, or have need for purposes of work help or explaining your issues to others, get an official dx.

hi! welcome!

that's kinda what i sound like in my head... synonym stuff... but it will do it in various languages... for any one thing i'm thinking.. i get variations/translations cropping up in my mind and i have to prune them back and select the [right] one. it really helps with interpretting diff languages... but i have a hard time expressing myelf in any... but for me, i do better slower actually... usually, when i start going faster, like in an overly emotional state (ex:arguments)... i start getting turned arouund and don't select the right wprd/phrasing and people misunderstand me or i sound like a bunch of psychobabble pouring outta my mouth... and by the time i put the breaks on... i'm getting strange looks ><

You're right, but I'd place more faith in a crowd of aspies telling me that my experiences mirror their own than a doctor's impersonal conclusions. A psychologist can study the subject all he or she wants, but the aspies have several combined lifetimes of relevant experience. The doctor just has a description to base his assumptions on. It's the difference between knowing something and understanding it.

I'm not trying to say that aspies know more than the doctor. I'm just a little nervous about seeing a doctor, and I don't want to waste my time doing so unless I'm relatively certain about the outcome. This seems like the best place to start, and if I can get over my fears, I'll definitely seek a doctor for confirmation.

`dp

If I take the time to speak very slowly, I can do it pretty well. It gives me time to select all the right words, but I always feel like an idiot when I do that. When I speak quickly, I don't just start rattling off words. I take one or two seconds to take in everything I need to say, and then I spit it all out before my mind has a chance to deviate.

I've only studied a couple languages (and not very thoroughly), but I really do enjoy learning them. I'm not sure why, but language has always fascinated me. So do theoretical physics.

Thanks for the welcome, btw.

Last edited by GhostOfTheChameleon on 20 Feb 2007, 8:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You can send your psychologist a link to this page, and our impartial diagnoses will surely sway his opinion.

[quote="krex"]Spending time on WP has probably done more for me in this regaurd,as I read of others writing and feel like they are "stealing my words and thoughts"(Not in the schezophrinic way.. )when ever I read their posts.quote]

yeah... that's pretty much how i know... can be pretty weird reading about yourself from others' personal experiences or even in textbooks...

no DX for me... i'm almost through the realworld gauntlet (school) and will soon be able to persue my own endevours as they amuse me!

and yeah, WP has made my life much more copasetic (sp? lol)

I can't say you DO have AS, but you may. You say a lot of things that are true about me. Even the deal with being touched. That is EXACTLY what it is like with me.

Steve

You should really go to a doctor. That's the only way to be sure.

Just as another idea, have you tried the http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php?
I feel the front page of that should say more.
Like:

1) It is pointless to take his test if you don't try you hardest to be honest.
2) Don't give answers that you've learnt to be the "correct" ones.
3) If you don't understand the question, don't guess an answer.

The first time I took it, I got 1) right, I think. However, I did a lot of 2) and 3).

Your post of symptoms was eerily similar to me. I grew up prior to the ADHD craze, so no one ever thought that. They just stuck someone like me on prescription Quaaludes (714's) and Darvon (under the guise of this will treat your migraines which must be nerves, but they were based on lack of estrogen so neither of those helped!) and sent me home. I'm not too keen about the whole doctor thing having seen myself treated as the lab rat for their speculations one too many times at the expense of some of my organs. But, I'm 47 and not having a true dx won't make a rat's patootie worth of difference to me. On the other hand, what it means to you is that while I can say that's eerily similar to me (tangent especially, I am right there with you!), it doesn't mean anything because I found out the way you did, by accident and going over and over things to rule them out. So, if you really want to know, I suggest you get a diagnosis. That is, if you will believe it. That's the other thing. I won't because of my own experience with too many incompetents, but you have to decide for yourself how much your past contributes to that. You can either trust them or you can't. For me, a Neurologist could convince me with an fMRI, anyone else wouldn't even get the chance.


So break it down for yourself again and make up your own mind. Then good luck and welcome to WP!