I am a 17 year old boy, and am in my last year at High school. Throughout my life I have displayed frequent bizarre behaviour along with an inability to socialize with my peers. When I was around the age of four, a psychologist theorised that I may have either Asperger Syndrome or ADHD. For whatever reason this was never followed up on, and I did not receive a diagnosis. I never gave the matter much thought, for years I was content to thinking of myself as merely eccentric and socially awkward. However, about a year ago I went to a psychologist to discuss some behavioural problems I had been having at school, and she likewise theorised that I may have either or both of the aforementioned disorders. Since then, it has been at the back of my mind that I may have them, I have searched symptoms online, and realised that I apply to a rather large amount of them. There are a fair few which I do not possess, but am told that one is not required to have all of them in order to meet a diagnostic criteria. I have been thinking of getting a proper diagnosis, but do not wish to waste my time if it seems clear to whichever psychologist who is assigned to deal with the diagnosing that I do not in fact have either. Therefore I have elected to share my traits with you fine fellows, people who will likely have a far larger amount of knowledge on this topic than I, in hopes that you may be able to tell me whether it seems likely that I may have it, as well as perhaps give me some advice as to which action I should take.
Okay so, symptoms which I seem to possess are as follows:
1. I often have trouble understanding figures of speech. For example, when a friend of mine, upon my making what I am sure was an excellent point, told me that I could 'say that again' (apparently a phrase to signify agreement with another) I replied by asking why exactly I would want to say it again. (this was when I was around 15)
2. I have never been able to make many friends, I always seem to say something wrong or do something wrong, which causes people to look on me as a source of annoyance, or a 'weirdo'. I have been able to make a few over the years, but they don't stay my friends for very long, usually I offend them in some way or irritate them, and they snap at me, often telling me that they do not wish to be associated with me for any longer. (I do not intentionally piss them off, it is often something I do not even realise is offensive which does this.) I have been the subject of bullying for so many aggravating years, no matter where I go, I am bullied and mocked by others.
3. I can never maintain conversation with anyone for extended periods of time, any conversation I have seems to eventually just descend into awkwardness, and the person I am talking to eventually just excuses himself, saying he's going to go do something else. (or alternately, they tell me I'm weird, and walk away)
4. I often become withdrawn from others, sitting on my own in a corner, or writing to myself during school lunchtime.
5. I do not generally understand the basic social rules which people seem to follow. For example, when a person asks if their hair looks nice and I don't like it, I do not see why I should reply with a deceptively positive answer. I am also often told that I stand too close to people and speak too loud in certain places.
6. I find it hard to make eye contact with people, when I was younger, I would always have my head way down, so as to not look at someone in the eye. Today, I tend to move my eyes to another part of the room during a conversation to avoid it.
7. I have very narrow and obsessive interests. These are Science Fiction and Filmmaking. I find myself often unable to find interest in other things, and when ever I talk to friends, always seem to go back to these two. My conversations on these are mostly one sided as I give my peers a slew of information and facts on them, they tend to lose interest at some point, and I never realise until it's too late and they have either told me to 'shut up' or left. At school, I often find myself losing concentration in subjects, I often start the year as an excellent student with great marks, but then they slowly start to dip, as I lose interest and begin to neglect studying. I have long absences from school, as I simply don't see why exactly I should be going when I never learn anything of value.
8. I hear that people with Aspergers are generally very literate, I hope that I have demonstrated thus far in this topic that I am indeed this. I do however have much trouble with mathematics, as I have what is known as 'Dyscalculia' (which is basically dyslexia but with maths)
9. I have many strange movements, such as shaking my head constantly, jerking my arms about, and spinning around whilst walking.
10. I often go into long periods of depression due to my inability to make any meaningful connection with others. I have been cutting myself of late in order to relieve this depression. I also have long angry rages often, I used to have them all the time. but now generally try and bottle my temper until I am alone, and unable to be seen by others in such a state. When I get told off, or people treat me as though I'm an idiot, I tend to get extremely upset, as I try my best to fit in with others and I feel as though it's a major failure on my part that such a thing occurs. I suffer from a lot of anxiety, often for no real reason.
11. I have a certain sensitivity to noise, I often hear tiny little noises which others do not, and tend to react with a jump and scream when hearing a particularly loud sound. I also show sensitivity to certain fabrics, I cannot stand to wear wool. I also have a thing where I begin to scratch, and touch at a material or object I particularly like the feel of for extended periods of time.
The thing which makes me doubt the most that I may have Aspergers however, is the fact that it is said that those who suffer from it will have a lack of imagination, and prefer non-fiction to fiction. This is simply not true in my case, as I love reading fiction, (particularly science fiction, of course) and like to think that I have an active imagination. I even have a tendency to go into my own fictional world on occasion, completely forgetting about the world around me. And as I previously mentioned, I have an intense interest in filmmaking, something which is by nature quite a creative process.
30 Apr 2014, 10:15 am
