Making people upset without knowing it

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I often find myself in a situation, mostly with females, where I see tears in their eyes and they seem to have been offended or hurt by something I did yet I did not say anything offensive or mean. This just happened to me.

A female employee was late to an appointment we had and I was a little upset. However, I seemingly did not pick up on any non verbal cues on her, and she was seemingly extremely upset towards the end of our brief meeting. I know it had something to do with my non verbal reaction. I sensed it while it was happening, yet I had no idea how to deal with it. I tried to talk about some random subject which did not help.

The interaction I had with this girl in her office was completely non verbal and I know I upset her with my non verbal communication. I have learned to block this sort of scenario out since it is deeply painful to me to upset someone when I do not mean to. Now that I understand I have Aspergers, I am starting to focus more on this sort of thing. Its what makes this condition suck in a very deep way. I really liked this persons company and she was nice to me around the campus. She would come up and say hello all the time. Now I sense the relationship is destroyed and Im not completely aware of why. Over something simple as her being late.

It's probably this. It's a very human reaction on your part, but all the same, it is probably this.

So, the poker read, including her later reaction, she was probably late because she got some bad news or something bad happened or it was one of those days where nothing goes right. And then she perceived you as being unsympathetic, instead of being matter-of-fact and willing to reschedule as necessary.

Now, one skill I've learned: If a person needs space, go ahead and graciously and matter-of-factly give them space, without the intermediate step of asking if they 'should' need space. Plenty of time to consider that later.

I really think we as people on the spectrum can skip many of the followship skills and jump to the good stuff of being a low-key, positive leader, without making a particular big deal about. In fact, the leadership skills are easier and more straightforward!

I feel I've learned social skills through political activism and through furniture sales, where I can try similar of things over a number of social encounters, and slightly modify as I go along. I also learn, people are just different and sometimes it's not my fault. I also feel I've learned skills through playing poker, although please be warned the upstreaks and dowstreaks are statistically highly likely even when you're playing well. these days I mainly just play league poker for points.

I'm an idiot when it comes to social skills, but I have learned this:

a) display teeth (smile - so *many* variations!
b) approach person and reach as if to touch the side of their shoulder but don't connect (inclusive gesture)
c) with other hand held palm up, gesture to chair (not your own!)
d) say some variation of "How are ya!" again - dozens of variations
e) hypocrisy required
f) mirror facial gestures of other person

It is hypocritical but there's a lot to be gained. I'm one of those "diagnosed late" persons - I wish somebody had told me, when I was small, to match what everybody else was doing. i.e. when you see teeth, display your own teeth. That would have avoided so much trouble!

Smiling with teeth showing feels very odd to me--like it's forced or unnatural somehow. Not sure if the "lips together" one is much better, though.

Yes, it feels totally weird to me. That's why I call it "Display Teeth." It acknowledges the discomfort and alienation - oh, I suppose I should add "make eyes twinkle" <heavy sigh> so much work!

i think some of that can be a problem with the other person. some people are very easily offended/upset. there was a girl i upset at school and my dad got a call about it, and told me not to worry about it because some people "wear their heart on their sleeve".

i always think of something/someone that makes me really happy, that way the smile is real.

Last edited by EzraS on 10 May 2014, 2:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

Exactly. It's not ALWAYS "our fault."

All is not lost. You can talk to her about what happened and clear the air.