husband not understanding, assessment will be done

Post Reply New Topic

I have seen this therapist for a little while now and she said today she felt I had an ASD (several mental health people said this but no dx) but this lady wants me to be assessed soon for a diagnosis. But my husband doesn't understand! He recognizes the symptoms but will not say I have a disorder because of them.

Anyway what are the assessments? I forgot which one she said it was.

This is possibly scary for him.

Recognizing that this is a disorder may sound like saying there is something wrong with you, and maybe he likes you as you are.

Also recognizing that your quirks come from a diagnosable disorder may seem like closing some opportunities to imagine you as capable of change.

He will probably come around to it in time.

Good luck with the process.

You just need to find a specialist in evaluating ASDs in adults; that person will administer the proper tests, although I think it is somewhat standard for them to evaluate people according to the ADOS at the least (not sure).

I think there is a good chance they will say I have it because I did not suggest AS the therapist saw it herself. My husband mostly protests the notion that my obsessive nature is disordered. When the therapist asked him how I do socially he cringed.

Soumds like denial on his part.

Denial could be part of it but saying it isn't "disordered" could just mean that he doesn't think there is anything wrong with you and doesn't like the idea of your being officially classified as imperfect or defective in some way. The emotions around this can be very complicated.

Have you asked him what he means and why it is important to him?

ding ding ding--we have a winner!

seriously though, some people seem to feel that denial of autism is somehow complementary, as if saying "yes, i think you might be on the spectrum" is somehow pejorative and they are trying to spare our feelings from that. i think it only displays their own ignorance of what autism is and the fact that autism is not in fact a character flaw as they seem to believe.

Absolutely.

The only exposure to autism he has is a little girl who is a relative of mine who has classic autism. So he does not see me as being like that girl and it does not equate in his head. Also the girl's grandmother, my aunt, does not believe it either because of the same reason. What matters though is my husband loves me very much and has already adapted to my idiosyncrasies. I've had other people like therapists, one doctor and even a couple of lay people question me about having AS.

About the people that want to assess me, it is therapists. They have the assessment in their office so maybe they have done this before, but they cannot diagnose me, I would have to run it by my mental health doctor (I am already diagnosed with other things)

Oh, and my little relative can watch movies then recite them back word by word in their entirety.

As you say, autism is not a character flaw, it's a character type. Unfortunately, it leads to great unhappiness for the individuals involved.

When I first found out I had Aspergers, my sister went around treating me like I had just gotten cancer.
Even I, myself, regressed a little due to the sudden shift in my understanding of myself.

A diagnosis will help you understand a myriad of difficulties and differences that you have in comparison to other people and from there you can work out how to work with your differences and play to your strengths. The world is a cold, unforgiving place and unless you "work what you got" you won't be taken seriously and people will continually see just the difficulties you have rather than the person which you are.

Seriously; since I found out I've had numerous people insist that I am disabled and cannot do anything so I should just go on the disability pension.

Your husband and aunty need to be given information by you about the autism spectrum. I place that in bold because it seems to be the part most people miss. It is a spectrum disorder with fluctuating difficulties that vary for each person.

If they still insist you're just "a little odd" or "Not autistic" you need to have the strength to push past what they say. In a way, they perceive that they are telling you you're normal and everything's okay, but I know from experience (as would many on this site) that the only reason why they tell you that is because they perceive autism to be a bad thing, that it should never be spoken about and to state that someone is autistic is to mark them as "less than human". You need to be able to stand up to their prejudices and be proud of who you are and not made to feel inferior because of their remarks.

I wish you well on your journey. <3

It sounds like he doesn't want to think of you as disabled. After all, he's adjusted to the way you are, so he doesn't consider your traits a disability. The word disability causes image associations in many peoples' heads. They think of someone who is completely helpless. Since people don't consider you that way, they may be in denial.

If you are really autistic, denying you are can actually be hurtful. You've always been this way, now you just have a word for it. If people accepted you before, this should be a non-issue to learn the reasoning behind the way you are. It's just an explanation, really. Others may also try to invalidate your autism because they think it invalidates lower functioning peoples' experiences. However, it doesn't. It's a spectrum. Your diagnosis, while you may be higher functioning, would be just as valid as someone else who is on the spectrum. It's not the same as saying you are EXACTLY like the other autistic girl you know, which is what people seem to be saying.

Their actions are certainly speaking volumes about how they view autism. They most likely view it as a burden, and people are affected by it in only bad ways. Also, like RedEnigma said, they might view an autistic person as "less than" them, meaning less than human.

It can be a lot of things.

When my husband was seeking an evaluation, this is what I heard from everyone

*does he want to be disabled?
*drama queen
*he's 50 years old, he's been coping just fine, why start drama now?
*how could you marry a loser?
*didn't you know he was ret*d?
*what a little b***h, seriously
*I have a divorce attorney number, if he has that, your kid shouldn't be raised around him.
*leave him, NOW
*how nice to have an excuse not to act like an adult. (This from a medical doctor)
*how humiliating for you (from another M.D.)
*have fun raising another kid.
*I always knew he was seriously f****d in the head.
*$2K to find out your husband is a miswired tard. What a kick in the head.

And a whole lot of side eyes. Like how did YOU not know he was a * hot mess*.

There was NOT positive comment. It was like having continuous buckets of s**t dumped on my head. And no one told my Aspie husband any of these thoughts. I certainly didn't tell him, and sometimes I wondered if they were right. Maybe this is whole of drama for nothing.

So cut your husband a little slack. It may not be denial, but dealing with the negative bandwagon of thoughts/comments from family and friends.

After my husband got his Aspie diagnosis, the divorce comments started in full force.

It was a miserable time for my husband, who didn't want the diagnosis. It was just as bad, in a different way for me.

In my case, I already have a mental illness diagnosis... I think my husband just doesn't want another label on me.

Oh my god. Did you divorce him? He's still the SAME person. It's not just now has an explanation. OMG!

I can't believe no one said "I'm glad you guys are finally figuring out why he has difficulties with a few things". It's like everyone you know has a severe lack of empathy!


Angnix, yeah, people think getting a diagnosis suddenly changes you or something. Remind him you are simply finding out why you are the way you are. If he accepted you before, and nothing has really changed, there should NO REASON AT ALL for him not to accept you because of a damn label.

I don't know....

My husband already had as his first diagnosis major depression/OCD and schizoid personality type. No one really said boo about those.

Actually, I thought he was misdiagnosed, and pushed for the ASD evaluation.

People view adults getting an ASD evaluation as just "giving up", and looking for an excuse not to change. At least that is how all the negative comments went towards me.

And if he is getting a steady stream of negative comments from others, it does weigh on your mind. Is my husband game playing? Is this now an excuse not do anything or grow as a person? What does this mean for me 20 years down the road? Does this mean I will always be the one that handles all the adult responsibilities? Now there is no more partnership or hope of one, just me being *mom*, to a man who has all the social skills of a bright 12 year old?

Face it, parents can't divorce their kids. We are the only ASD/NT couple left in the support group we attend. The rest are divorce, and usually three years after one of the partners was diagnosed.

Though, with a divorce rate of near 50%, who knows if the marriages would have last anyway...

Interesting, the latest couple that got divorced is in their 60s, and was married for 40 years. Husband got his ASD diagnosis and the wife left two weeks later. I can't imagine pulling the rip cord that late in the game.