Influence of autistic children on the parents and family

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ouroborosUK
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15 May 2014, 8:43 am

I am currently reading Temple Grandin's latest book, The Autistic Brain. In the first chapter, she mentions the debunked "refregirator mother" theory, and mentions that Kanner had cause and effect backwards about that, and that trying to care for an autistic child and feeling rejected because the child doesn't respond in an appropriate/"normal" way can make mother become distant. That seems to make sense to me, and I was wondering if anyone is aware of research or books about that idea. Grandin does not develop the subject further in her book, I believe.

(By the way, I am only at the beginning of the book, but it looks excellent. The first chapter is the clearest and most complete summary I have ever read on the history of how autism is considered by psychiatry.)


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kraftiekortie
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15 May 2014, 8:53 am

I think that's plausible.

Similar to the notion that people on the Spectrum do not develop "social instincts" because of "face blindness." If a person only sees generic faces instead of individual ones, according to that notion, that person is not INSPIRED to be social.



BuyerBeware
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15 May 2014, 11:27 am

I think it's very plausible.

It's not only that the "abnormal" behavior of the autistic child causes the parents to distance though. I think a lot of the time the distancing is adaptive rather than simply reactionary. I cannot speak for ALL autistic kids, but when I was a kid I WANTED to be left alone. To a large extent, being left in peace to my own devices made me happy, and people (Grandma, God love her) in my face wanting to interact all the time left me on edge.

Like, "Forcing this kid to interact causes all hell to break loose. It makes everyone miserable-- me, them, everyone else. Things go smoother when I let the kid be, so I let the kid be more than what is normal."

Not to mention that autistic kids are more likely to issue from autistic parents. And autistic parents are somewhat more likely to take a somewhat more hands-off approach to whatever isn't screaming, bleeding, or yanking on the hem of our shirts. Not neglect, necessarily, but "If it ain't broke don't fix it."

I got on better with my dad (Aspie) and he had better luck in working with me a lot of the time, because part of his natural instinct was, to a considerable extent, to leave me alone as long as I wasn't doing something destructive or dangerous.

Not to say parents should just let autistic kids totally withdraw into themselves-- that would not be very adaptive-- but perhaps to recognize that we NEED downtime lost in our own little worlds, and more of it than NT kids or ADHD kids or other varieties of kids, to rest and regroup.


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motherof2
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17 May 2014, 8:45 pm

BuyerBeware wrote:
I think it's very plausible.

It's not only that the "abnormal" behavior of the autistic child causes the parents to distance though. I think a lot of the time the distancing is adaptive rather than simply reactionary. I cannot speak for ALL autistic kids, but when I was a kid I WANTED to be left alone. To a large extent, being left in peace to my own devices made me happy, and people (Grandma, God love her) in my face wanting to interact all the time left me on edge.

Like, "Forcing this kid to interact causes all hell to break loose. It makes everyone miserable-- me, them, everyone else. Things go smoother when I let the kid be, so I let the kid be more than what is normal."

Not to mention that autistic kids are more likely to issue from autistic parents. And autistic parents are somewhat more likely to take a somewhat more hands-off approach to whatever isn't screaming, bleeding, or yanking on the hem of our shirts. Not neglect, necessarily, but "If it ain't broke don't fix it."

I got on better with my dad (Aspie) and he had better luck in working with me a lot of the time, because part of his natural instinct was, to a considerable extent, to leave me alone as long as I wasn't doing something destructive or dangerous.

Not to say parents should just let autistic kids totally withdraw into themselves-- that would not be very adaptive-- but perhaps to recognize that we NEED downtime lost in our own little worlds, and more of it than NT kids or ADHD kids or other varieties of kids, to rest and regroup.


My daughter played for hours alone and I enjoyed that. But I did want my snuggle time sometimes and she did not always want it. I had a big need to communicate with her and tried to relate to her. When she started to speak I better understood her but not until she was 8 or 9 did I really understand her. I think I have distanced myself somewhat as I met her at her level, but that was what she needed. My son on the other hand wanted to be with me all the time and I got a lot of my needs met by him.


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em_tsuj
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18 May 2014, 1:11 am

I was thinking the same think about misattribution. I think that the refrigerator mom caused it by passing on the gene for autism. That is because my mom is autistic and I am autistic and I am pretty sure her dad (my granddad is autistic). It is genetic, not learned.