All Attention on You When Going to a Nightclub with a Group

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Aspie1
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28 May 2014, 12:09 pm

This, thankfully, almost completely disappeared by now, but as recently as three years ago, I had very unpleasant situations happen. (If it's relevant, I'm 31.) When going to clubs with groups of non-close friends, like people from work, new acquaintances, etc., all the group's attention would somehow be on me. (My close friends don't like nightclubs, and I wouldn't be caught dead going to one by myself.) So we'd all be freestyle dancing in a circle, and take turns going into the middle. When other people go, everybody else just stands and claps the music, punctuated by an occasional "whoo!". But when it's my turn, everybody suddenly starts shouting "Go, Aspie1! Go, Aspie1! Go, Aspie1!" (using my real name, obviously). It's unbelievably uncomfortable!! ! When I made the mistake of calling them out on it, they said "We're just motivating you", which I knew was bullcrap. Other times, they'd talk about me like I'm not there, while not doing for other people. For instance, they'd whisper to each other, loud enough for me to hear: "he looks tense/uncomfortable/angry/miserable", even though it's their actions that made me feel this way. I cut out a group of seven people from my life because of this, despite two of them being really cool guys I got along well with.

This brings me to two questions.
1) During circle dancing, why do other people in the group get only quiet claps, while I get a boisterous, borderline-mocking chanting?
2) Why does my group pay so much attention to my state of mind in the club? I highly doubt they care. They don't do it for other people.

Interestingly, I get much less attention when I do something respect-worthy (in my friends' eyes), like dance well with a girl or score a free drink at a bar. Then I get treated no differently than other people in the group. Although, I have to add that the groups I now go clubbing with are much better people. So over the years, I learned how to make something respect-worthy happen early on during the outing, as well as manipulate the situations in my favor. For example, I'm good at Latin dancing, so I'd insist on going to a club that plays Latin songs periodically. Then when such a song comes up, I ask a girl to dance, and do it where the group can see me. (I can disguise that as a gentlemanly act of leading her to a spacious spot on the dance floor.) Since dancing with a girl makes me cool, all the "attention" stops, or at least takes on a much motivational tone, like "go dance with her again; once ain't good enough, man". And when I explain why I want to sit out, like "Not two songs in a row; that's showing desperation!", they actually listen and sometimes even say "Hey, you're right." They don't even laugh (or not in a bad way) when I do something silly or clumsy, like photobomb girls in the group taking a picture together or spill my beer all over the table.



LookingLost
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28 May 2014, 1:13 pm

That doesn't sound like a nice situation if they are mocking you.

I can't say I can relate, because I haven't experienced this specifically (and don't tend to go to nightclubs), but I read your post because I have had quite a few strangers approach me when I'm out to tell me I look uncomfortable, or to ask if I am. Things like 'You look depressed/uncomfortable/scared/sad/shy/like you want to be left alone' etc.

Hope things get sorted out soon.


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Vomelche
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28 May 2014, 2:08 pm

If this is what they say you look like, maybe clubs are not really your scene? But it sounds like you like them, so I am not really sure. They may be really cheering you on or mocking you, you never really know, and I don't think you should care either, since its a quick way to get your confidence down.

This kind of stuff happens to me too. I tend to not hang out with those people too often for that reason.



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28 May 2014, 4:06 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
This brings me to two questions.

1) During circle dancing, why do other people in the group get only quiet claps, while I get a boisterous, borderline-mocking chanting?

2) Why does my group pay so much attention to my state of mind in the club? I highly doubt they care. They don't do it for other people.



In response to question #1: It's quite possible they're NOT mocking you. I THINK it's possible that they are wanting to "support" the "special" guy. I think they're saying to themselves----and, each other----"Awww, look, he's trying...." They THINK they're being "helpful". You even said they said they were "motivating you", and you thought it was BS. It may NOT have been----unless you sensed they were doing it to, like, boost their own egos.


Question 2: There could be a couple of different explanations for this: One, they don't understand ASD people, so they're walking on eggshells around you if they perceive you to be in a "delicate" mood; or, again, they think they're being helpful in picking-up on your mood, and thinking to themselves: "Look at me, I'm being sensitive to the 'special' guy."



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28 May 2014, 4:31 pm

Campin_Cat, that's a really insightful answer. Helps to clear up something I didn't even know I was wondering about... but come to think of it... I should have wondered more about why people would act like that (or other similar scenes) to me and not others.

What is that, I wonder? Why was I not even able to bring myself to the point of having that question to ask: "Why do people treat me differently in this, that, or the other situation?"

Why, why, why. :?

^don't worry - rhetorical. :P :)



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28 May 2014, 4:33 pm

That original post describes the closest thing to torture you could submit me to 8O NO WAY am I going to stand on a dance floor with a group of friends surrounding me.

You're a brave man!


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28 May 2014, 4:53 pm

I'm just guessing but generally speaking...if you do something with people you wouldn't normally do on your own, go some place you wouldn't usually go to, or do something they have never seen you do before, they make a big deal over it. I don't know why just one of those stupid annoying things people do. It's as if they think they are playing with a critter outside it's natural habitat. :roll:



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28 May 2014, 9:55 pm

Campin_Cat wrote:
In response to question #1: It's quite possible they're NOT mocking you. I THINK it's possible that they are wanting to "support" the "special" guy. I think they're saying to themselves----and, each other----"Awww, look, he's trying...." They THINK they're being "helpful". You even said they said they were "motivating you", and you thought it was BS. It may NOT have been----unless you sensed they were doing it to, like, boost their own egos.

Question 2: There could be a couple of different explanations for this: One, they don't understand ASD people, so they're walking on eggshells around you if they perceive you to be in a "delicate" mood; or, again, they think they're being helpful in picking-up on your mood, and thinking to themselves: "Look at me, I'm being sensitive to the 'special' guy."

That figures. The more insight I get on WP, the more I realize how vicious and cruel NTs can be. Makes me wonder if it comes naturally to them or if they learn it like they learn history or math.

For #1, it seems like it's a matter of helping the underdog, but wanting him to stay under. Much like America did with women and minorities for most of its history. That is, they wanted me to party with them and learn the ropes of clubbing, but that the same time, they wanted me to be "less than" them. Not a full member of the group, but rather "that awkward guy we were nice enough to invite who's a good source of entertainment". Or something like: "awww, that's so cute; that awkward loser is trying to be like us; we gotta stop him!".

For #2, it seems like they were worried about me snapping and shooting up the place, or something. Either way, I didn't care. Heck, I even amplified the uncomfortable/tense/angry behavior as much as I could without going over the top, so that they don't invite me again.



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28 May 2014, 11:49 pm

Hermier wrote:
Campin_Cat, that's a really insightful answer. Helps to clear up something I didn't even know I was wondering about... but come to think of it... I should have wondered more about why people would act like that (or other similar scenes) to me and not others.

What is that, I wonder?


First-of-all, THANKS! I hope it helps!!

Second: You say you should have wondered. Well, the way I see it is: We've got ENOUGH to be "gettin'-on with", with trying to remember all the behaviors we're suppose to be practicing, to make us "normal"----it's friggin' EXHAUSTING!! We can't always be wondering why NTs do what they do, TOO, ya know? I was able to see it because I'm removed from the situation----you know that old saying about "Can't see the forest, for the trees"? Well, ain't no trees, HERE!

Aspie1 wrote:
Campin_Cat wrote:
In response to question #1: It's quite possible they're NOT mocking you. I THINK it's possible that they are wanting to "support" the "special" guy. I think they're saying to themselves----and, each other----"Awww, look, he's trying...." They THINK they're being "helpful". You even said they said they were "motivating you", and you thought it was BS. It may NOT have been----unless you sensed they were doing it to, like, boost their own egos.

Question 2: There could be a couple of different explanations for this: One, they don't understand ASD people, so they're walking on eggshells around you if they perceive you to be in a "delicate" mood; or, again, they think they're being helpful in picking-up on your mood, and thinking to themselves: "Look at me, I'm being sensitive to the 'special' guy."

That figures. The more insight I get on WP, the more I realize how vicious and cruel NTs can be. Makes me wonder if it comes naturally to them or if they learn it like they learn history or math.

For #1, it seems like it's a matter of helping the underdog, but wanting him to stay under. Much like America did with women and minorities for most of its history. That is, they wanted me to party with them and learn the ropes of clubbing, but that the same time, they wanted me to be "less than" them. Not a full member of the group, but rather "that awkward guy we were nice enough to invite who's a good source of entertainment". Or something like: "awww, that's so cute; that awkward loser is trying to be like us; we gotta stop him!".

For #2, it seems like they were worried about me snapping and shooting up the place, or something. Either way, I didn't care. Heck, I even amplified the uncomfortable/tense/angry behavior as much as I could without going over the top, so that they don't invite me again.


You said you realize how vicious NTs can be----well, just think of this: what makes people vicious?----what makes people bullies? Fear. I'm sure you've heard plenty of times how people will put-down other people to make themselves look good. That's quite possibly what they were doing----giving the benefit of the doubt, they weren't doing it, sub-consciously. I think they learn it. Bullies often beget bullies, so-to-speak.

You said it seems they want to help the underdog, but wanting him to stay under----stay "less than"----EXACTLY!! They can feel good about themselves if they've got someone around them whom they consider to be "less than".

You said they seemed like they were worried about you snappin' and shootin'-up the place----my point, EXACTLY!!

I posted somewhere else about people doing this to me----and that it was even worse that my family did it. I was the scapegoat. They could always, if a situation turned sour, for instance, blame it on me because I'm the one who's "off" afterall. I caught my mother pointing to her temple, and non-verbally saying "She's got mental problems." My uncle, the "little girl", is so incredibly insecure, and he just LOVES blaming everything on me, cuz it makes him look better, to HIMSELF-----everybody else knows he's at least two bottles short of a six-pack.

The best thing about this thread is that you have MUCH BETTER, TRUER, friends now!! ! The BEST OF EVERYTHING to you!!




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29 May 2014, 1:41 pm

Campin_Cat wrote:
You said you realize how vicious NTs can be----well, just think of this: what makes people vicious?----what makes people bullies? Fear. I'm sure you've heard plenty of times how people will put-down other people to make themselves look good. That's quite possibly what they were doing----giving the benefit of the doubt, they weren't doing it, sub-consciously. I think they learn it. Bullies often beget bullies, so-to-speak.

You said it seems they want to help the underdog, but wanting him to stay under----stay "less than"----EXACTLY!! They can feel good about themselves if they've got someone around them whom they consider to be "less than".

You said they seemed like they were worried about you snappin' and shootin'-up the place----my point, EXACTLY!!

I posted somewhere else about people doing this to me----and that it was even worse that my family did it. I was the scapegoat. They could always, if a situation turned sour, for instance, blame it on me because I'm the one who's "off" afterall. I caught my mother pointing to her temple, and non-verbally saying "She's got mental problems." My uncle, the "little girl", is so incredibly insecure, and he just LOVES blaming everything on me, cuz it makes him look better, to HIMSELF-----everybody else knows he's at least two bottles short of a six-pack.

The best thing about this thread is that you have MUCH BETTER, TRUER, friends now!! ! The BEST OF EVERYTHING to you!!


In any social group there will usually be a bully or two. But I would not write everyone off at once. There are some good people. some are neutral and can sway either way under influence. You kind of have to decide for yourself where you want to fit in.



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31 May 2014, 2:05 pm

Vomelche wrote:
In any social group there will usually be a bully or two. But I would not write everyone off at once. There are some good people. some are neutral and can sway either way under influence. You kind of have to decide for yourself where you want to fit in.

Maybe so. But wouldn't you wonder: Why the whole group does a boisterous, over-the-top cheer when you go in the middle of the dancing circle, and only a normal cheer when other people go? What are you doing differently in your dancing that attracts all the attention? It can't be out of kindness; singling someone out is anything but that. Besides, trying to figure it out will make your dancing more awkward, which will attract more attention, which will make dancing even more awkward, which will... you get the idea. After two incidents like that, I found easier to just cut out the whole group from my life, rather than keep contact with just the two guys who treated me OK, and awkwardly avoid the rest of the group. At first, I thought about still hanging out with them, but only for sports and such, and declining invitations to go clubbing. But I knew they'd find another excuse to single me out (read: mock me), so I did what I had to do.



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31 May 2014, 2:10 pm

That sounds like a good move, if there is not a single person you can connect with in the group, there is no point really to stay. Myself though, I like to challenge myself and try to see if I can influence other people to think differently.