She keeps going back and forth with me. I'm getting tired.

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I'm NT and I would like your views on this. If that's okay. From your points of view and experiences.

Me and my Aspie ex were in a relationship for about 8 months. When we started dating it was the classic honeymoon stage. It was a very intense relationship. However after that stage had went by, she started with silences followed by intense attention toward me etc. Now I know about meltdowns and she was doing a PhD and has difficulties emotionally each day, so I can understand that fully now. That is not her fault. And the mistake I made is that I did not give her the space she needed. However, neither of us knew that she was Aspergers when we were dating. It was only afterward that she found out. I've finally understood a lot about Aspergers.

This is the tricky part. She wanted to remain friends directly after the break up. I said no because I needed to recover. However both me and her have ended up reconnected a few times as friends. I was the one who broke a friendship off very soon after because I found myself crying and still missing her. She then would get angry at me for being emotional with her and cut off our friendship.

Again, recently, we tried being friends. (We have been split up for about 8 months now). Last week she emailed me saying that she was missing our cuddles and kisses and could I come up and see her again? I said I would because I still love her dearly and would love nothing more for us to be wrapped up in each others arms again. My mistake was that I wrote a lengthy email explaining why I misunderstood her when we were together, but for her lengthy emails overwhelm her and confuse her. She misinterpreted a few of my generalizations. I wasn't specific or clear enough with what I said. She started feeling anxious and wrote back a very long email saying that she was retracting her invite and that we can't be friends.

Now, our relationship wasn't bad. In fact it was a very good one. We shared lots together. But the problem we had was misunderstandings because, like I say, neither of us knew about Aspergers. I simply assumed she was being selfish and rude. I know better now.

I love this girl with all my heart. I've never loved someone so much as I love her. But she tells me that she is confused about her emotions toward me and that I can't give her what she needs. I would do anything for her because I love her that much, but she is under the impression that we don't match because of what happened in the past.

At the same time, she's going back and forth and I'm getting tired over it. She's done this with a couple of previous partners, one of which she'd had a brilliant connection with but all she allowed was for them to sleep together whenever he visited.

I know that she needs space. The last thing I want to cause is a meltdown, especially when she has a lot of fears about moving soon, the end of her PhD and general difficulties with depression and anxiety. She cannot take any emotional intensity directed at her. Nothing whatsoever. She voiced her idea of a picture perfect relationship where she said she wanted complete peace.

I tell myself I will wait for her. Then I tell myself I won't. I tell myself that because I love her I can give her so much then I tell myself I can't because her standards are so impossibly high and complex. I think taking each day is the better but it is the knowledge that I love her so incredibly deeply which causes me to want to shy away from doing that.

If she is emotionally confused all the time and yet comes and goes, I'm not sure what to do. Do I meet up with her when she wants and not push her and hope that we get back together? My own answer to this is to get on with the everyday. But at the same time I'm a mixture of sadness, hopefulness, waiting on her, being angry at her, wanting to bargain, all of these grief stages keep coming together in one.

Because she is emotionally confused is why she keeps doing it thus, she is not really to blame. If the emotional confusion of each day is overwhelming than she can only do her very best to get through each day.

My question is is that what's the best approach for her? I'm giving her space. Has there been any times for you where you were in this situation and how did you work through it if you were emotionally confused about a person you had a great connection with?

Thank you for reading.

I really do not know what to say. I went on platonic dates with an aspie and I couldn't respect her and give her the distance she needed, so when emotions got complicated we self destructed. Maybe you just are not the right person for her? Have you considered moving on? I know how much you want to have anything with her, but despite the best intentions it might still be wrong. Just appreciate what you have with her and do not squander it, or you will make things far worse for yourself. You do not want to know that kind of regret. I do not think you should consider changing her unless she recognizes a problem and wants to change. It hurts not knowing whether to move on or not, but what else can you do for yourself? I do not know really how to cope besides moving on. Maybe moving on should be under consideration, and you need to make that clear with her. My two cents from a stranger who has no experience with a real relationship.

Just stay calm.

Maybe my former friend could say more, I wish she would sometimes.

Nothing profound to at, but this is good advice. There's always a temptation towards an "all or nothing" mindset, but I try to hit pause and let any emotional dust settle. You might find that there is middle ground after all. Good luck.

This. You already have the answer. This is really all you can do at this point. Just give it some time and space and see what happens.



That's completely understandable and expected for you to feel that way, but as you know this is probably scaring her away. That's why you've got to give it some time, to let things settle down, and allow yourself to process your feelings.

I agree that she sounds confusing based on what you say. I have been the Aspie in a similar situation before and the girl was the NT. Emotionally confusing people tend to want to sort their own emotions out and maybe even have a lover around for certain benefits. Whether they want a relationship or not varies from person to person, but it hasn't worked out for me when I know the other has been confused. The source of this confusion: look for a thread titled "Should I Stay Or Should I Go?" and you will find a situation I was in with a confusing person.

When she messaged you asking to see you again, the thought did occur to me that she wanted to know if she could still have you. It is possible she wanted that ego boost, but not actually want you. You were then subsequently dealt a low blow from her when she said "yeah, I've changed my mind." People have a tendency to bite at the carrot dangling in front of them when they see a glimmer of hope. I think her mind was made up long ago on where things are going with you and that you are wasting valuable energy and emotion on this girl.

I thought of that too, but didn't want to say it. I hope that's not what is going on. But even if she is genuinely confused it is kind of selfish of her anyway to keep changing her mind.

Yeah, to befriend a person you once felt in love with is futile. In love there is no middle ground. If the person is not virtuous, there is no room for friendship, since love is an involuntary response to virtue.

If you act on emotions and call it fallen in love, those are just hormones in order to make your sperms find an egg. Those are bold ape biological urges.

Yes, I've wondered that numerous times. I really cannot tell if she is or not. I've never, ever known someone to be so incredibly sensitive to the slightest emotion coming her way. It doesn't make sense to me. She catastrophizes so much and needs weeks to recover from a slight emotional glitch. I'm tempted to e-mail her because the idea of us never speaking is so painful but at the same time it probably could be for the best. I start my second year at University and I want to go in with a clear head.

My downfall is that I'm a 'rescuer'. I am an empath and so when I know a person I love who is suffering, it hits me so hard and I want to take their problems and work them out for them because the pain I see them in is so painful to me, too. She is in a lot of pain, but I know that though I love her she has to get stronger by herself. She has an incredibly strong maternal attachment to her therapist and I think what she wanted in our relationship was an older person to look after her as if she was an infant. She would curl up with me and suck her thumb and hold her teddy bear. She would really regress and I didn't mind that at all. It was nice that she could trust me, but at the same time she kept saying that I was 'too young' (I was her age). She had been with older people in the past - maternal and paternal figures. And I think this is what she wants; she wants a sense of regression..someone to look after her when she comes home as if she was a child. She described that she wanted a person like this. She absolutely hated that I had put forward the idea that she was regressing and that she really wanted to relive her chaotic past. She was so incredibly angry at me for even mentioning it in slight.

Anyway, I'll resist the urge to e-mail her. In my last e-mail I did say that I hope she can one day allow me to prove that she can trust me by my actions. It is her prerogative on that.

Thanks for the advice