Do I have Asperger's?

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I'm not asking for a diagnosis here, just for your opinion.

I'm 24 years old and my whole life I've felt different, like as if I don't fit in with society at all. I've never had any real friends, just acquaintances. This is mainly because I fail to mantain any kind of contact with the people I meet, but also because I'm socially awkward. I don't do small talk or hold eye contact naturally, if I do this I have to make a conscious effort and it's exhausting. Sometimes I have to pretend a lot just to be considered (barely) socially acceptable and all this I learn from observing other people.

I suffer severe social anxiety, these days I only leave my house to buy food. I already went through college and it can't get much worse than that. I also suffer insomnia, some nights I can't get any sleep. I don't have any motivation to do anything, I've never had any interests or hobbies, sometimes I wonder why should I even get out of bed. I'm a virgin, I had opportunities to have sex but I wasn't really interested, I guess I might be asexual too.

I currently live alone, the only person that visits me or I visit is my mother, she's like the only one that seems to understand me somewhat.
I've confronted my mother a few times asking if there was something wrong with me she wasn't telling me. She said I was being paranoid and that there's nothing wrong with me, but after I read some of the symptoms of AS, I started thinking about past social interactions and everything made sense, why it was so awkward and why I don't have any friends. I used to pretend a lot just to fit in, I thought nobody noticed but I guess they probably did, I bet they've been laughing at my back all my life. They've probably laughed in my face too.

I know how pathetic all this sounds, but the truth is I don't feel miserable or anything, I know if I went out there and made an effort I could make some friends and maybe get a date... but why bother? it's so exhausting and it all seems so pointless . I don't want to change anything, I'm content with the way things are right now, sometimes I wish I would die faster though.

I'd like to know if I do have AS, maybe knowing who I am will help me sleep better at night. I took some test and the results were 96/200 AS 95/200 NT. What do you think?

To be honest, it sounds as if you're a case of 'depressed apathy'.

A diagnosis of AS would require far more than what you list. Not having any interests or hobbies would be very odd for someone with AS.

EDIT - I should clarify that by 'depressed apathy' I'm referring to a form of depression by which you don't really feel sad, but just a lack of care/enjoyment for most, if not all things in life. Sadness is quite commonly repressed when it becomes overwhelming.

You say you have severe social anxiety, which could be bad enough alone to cause the issues you state, but then again it's possible that it's a result of AS in the first place. You sound a lot like myself two years ago when I decided to go to therapy for my issues and have been helped enormously by CBT to the point I have little trace of any anxiety or depression today. These issues I had were so clouding my mind though that not until a year into therapy did one seriously consider (at least tell me) I had AS (I myself had absolutely no knowledge or interest in human psychology before this, so wouldn't have known myself).

My point is maybe you have AS, maybe you don't. What is certain is that you have more than enough reasons to warrant seeing a therapist. At this point it seems it's social anxiety and possibly depression that are your most pressing issues that you should get help for, then in the process maybe you'll find you have another underlying diagnosis like AS or maybe something else. By what you write in a few paragraphs alone it's not possible to determine if you have AS or not.

EDIT: you say you've never had any interests or hobbies though which would seem inconsistent with AS.

Well among other things I identify a lot with the mind-blindness.
- I can't read other people's intentions correctly, I usually assume the worst. For example I got a text the other day from a girl that hurted me in the past, she wanted to come over and catch up.. I immediatly blocked her number because I thought she wanted to hurt me again. I see now she was just being friendly.
-I don't think I have much empathy, I usually say cruel things to people when I should be consoling them( if they lost someone close or something)
-I am blunt and impolite, even though in my mind I'm the most charming person ever.
-I can't multi task, I can read 5 pages outloud and not have any idea what I just read. I can hear someone talking for 1 hour and not have any idea what they just said if my focus was somewhere else.
-I have trouble with emotions, I'm not sure I feel them the same way others do. When my dad died I didn't feel anything, just emptiness, maybe some anxiety. Everyone around me was devastated, I tried to shed some tears but none came out
-Sometimes I miss objects that are right in front of me.
- When I was younger I used to fidget with objects, mostly when I was anxious.

Maybe I'm depressed too. But that's not the only thing thats wrong with me.



I know I should see a therapist, but I think it would be useless, I don't think I'd open up and be honest with him. I don't need an official diagnosis.



Well I've had interests but they were only temporary (video games, books, tv shows) nothing permanent.

Isn't it worth trying at least? I'd say go for an appointment and then take it from there. It can't hurt.

You don't need to be seeking out a diagnosis to benefit from therapy. To open up to anyone (a therapist or anyone) you need to have trust. It may take a few sessions to build some trust, so don't worry about not opening up and being honest to start with. Just going to one in the first place is a big step in the right direction and can be beneficial.

Whether or not you have AS I don't know, I can't say. I do think finding some support is a very good idea though.

The repetitive/stereotypical behaviours and sensory issues are far more note-worthy than the social aspect, as a standalone condition (SCD) exists for that.

Lots of people get confused with what actually constitutes 'autistic' behaviour however, mistakenly neglecting the fact that many non-autistic people need things like routine etc.

I'm really guarded around people, I never let them get too close. Not even my mother knows the real me. There's no way I'd talk to a therapist honestly.
Surely I have paranoid personality disorder, but I don't see it as a bad thing, it's more like a defense mechanism.

So does this sound like AS? one thing I find odd is that I'm actually not that bad at reading facial expressions, I took a test online and it was something like 18/20... My guess is I have trouble reading people in person because of my anxiety, and because I avoid eye contact. I can hold eye contact if I'm only listening to people, but when I have to answer I can't focus if I'm looking at them.
My main problem right now is insomnia, I haven't slept in 2 days, and when I do get to sleep it's only for 3 hours or so.

EDIT: I know there must be something wrong with me, the thing is I'm not sure I can trust my own perceptions, I can't trust therapists either. So I'm asking you knowledgeable people to give me your opinion based on this data I provided.



I don't have a strict routine, most of the time I'm at home I like wearing the same clothes because they are comfortable, other than that I don't follow much of a routine. I used to go jogging every morning back when I felt more motivated... but recently I just don't feel like going out at all.

I'm sorry but we can't give you the definitive answer you're looking for. You say that you don't need an official diagnosis, but you are looking for a label.

How will you benefit if someone (or a few people) on here says "Yes, you definitely have AS" ? Will it make you feel better? Will it help you to get back out in the big wide world?

You may very well have a few aspie traits, but as said, that doesn't mean you have AS. Giving yourself or having someone else give you a badge that says "I have Asperger's" is not a magic pill that will suddenly make your life better.

You're talking yourself into having AS in the hope that it will help, and you are talking yourself out of seeking professional support and guidance because you believe it won't help (because you can't or won't open up or trust anyone). In the nicest possible way, I suggest you re-examine that.

ETA:

" I used to go jogging every morning back when I felt more motivated... but recently I just don't feel like going out at all."

That just screams of classic depression. Yes, depression and AS sometimes go hand in hand, but I think this is what it boils down to. Get a handle on the depression first (WHICH YOU CANNOT DO ALONE) and then come back to what else may be there. If you have AS then it will still be there when you are in a better place to look at that part of you.

I agree with Norny, you don't sound like you have AS. You're possibly a bit alexithymic and you've stated you have severe social anxiety. I think that explains your issues.

I agree that it doesn't sound like ASD. You do sound like you're having some serious problems (not leaving the house, apathy etc.) and would benefit from seeing a professional for help. Good luck.

Whatever it is it seems to be inhibiting your life so I would see a professional to get some sort of diagnosis. If you want to die faster that is not good. I would bring the list you wrote here. Certainly being a poor multi tasker is inhibiting in today's world.

What a professional will do is observe you, give you battery of tests, possibility talk to people who know you well and knew you in your childhood. The same traits are often involved in several disorders. Sometimes is what seems like an issue is really another one. The more information the better.

I don't think you're pathetic. It sounds to me like you've gone through a lot in your young life, and you have learned to dull the pain. I hate to parrot others, but while much of what you say could be related to Asperger's, it's certainly not definitive and could point to depression and anxiety as well.

Whatever be the case, whether you are an Aspie or not, I welcome you to this board, and can tell you that folks here can relate to the difficulties you've had in your life.

There are certainly some definitive things that can be stated on your behalf:

-As others have pointed out, you need counseling. What I get from your post is exceptional loneliness. Being so isolated can make it very hard for you to pull out of a depression and begin to recover.

-You speak of the possibility of a lack of interest in sex because you've had opportunities and turned them down. That might be the case, but it could also be fear of rejection. Obviously I'm not referring to the same rejection one gets when asking somebody out, in this case I'm referring to rejection after having sex, would which likely hurt you very much. This is an understandable fear, and I can say I blame you. However, if you build up some confidence, you'll be more able to "put yourself out there".

-This isn't definitive, but I'd have to wonder if maybe you had some experiences in your past that explain your current plite. You certainly don't need to tell us, but if you were sexually or mentally abused, this would really point more towards depression then Asperger's. If sexually/mental abuse occurred, I would encourage you to seek counseling ASAP.

I feel better after getting some sleep, I guess my paranoia was getting out of hand... I still believe I'm somewhere in the Asperger's spectrum though. What I can't understand is why nobody ever told me I might have AS, not even my own mother, why would she hide it from me? Do other people easily notice you have AS?
My depression will go away eventually, it always does. And I've never been sexually abused as far as I know.

Unless you're leaving out a large chunk of personal biography, there are a myriad of other conditions that bring about a lifestyle that you describe which seem increasingly probable to me.

All conditions that may cause your lifestyle are just as debilitating, if not more so than AS. There is no shame in having intense social anxiety, depression, or something else entirely. A commonly stated reason by many (prompted by Tony Attwood I believe) regarding individuals seeking a diagnosis of Asperger's, is that it makes them feel not like a 'defective normal person', but a 'successful Aspie'. It is strictly a mental phenomenon due to the pressures placed on EVERYONE (NTs especially, hence Tony's statement) to conform to standards set by society.

It is heavily underestimated how damaging the stigma is behind mental conditions outside of physical/structural differences. If you are depressed, anxious etc, it is typically seen as your fault.. something that makes you weak. I consider that analogous to considering only the behavioural aspect of sensory issues. You are a human, your brain (the structure, yes, your entire brain) is prone to depression and anxiety, but because you are currently considered 'normal' (no label), you are expected to live up to everyone's expectations, that spawn only from visceral/societal values.

While I don't think you have AS, I may be wrong. If you truly believe you are on the spectrum, seek an appointment with someone about it first and foremost.


Sidenote: I believe individuals in your position (a mix of identity/health confusion) have it very hard. Even on this forum, 'normal people' (NTs, as you are currently considered) are held to the highest of expectations in terms of things like social performance, and it's purely due to labeling. Whenever an NT individual has something out of line, it's their fault, and that's how it will always be seen. Everybody (I'm not an exception) forgets at times that every brain is different, with varying capabilities. I can't stress enough that there is no 'perfect brain', though sadly it will always be considered unacceptable to have deficits.

I agree with this, plus it sounds like you are depressed right now. It really doesn't sound like AS in my opinion. Going to a therapist isn't bad, and if you don't trust the first one you see (after you've given them more than a fair try, since you know you have trust issues), you can always leave and go to another one until you find one you are comfortable with.