How I was able to cope with my Aspergers and find a wife.

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I just wanted to share how I achieved my success and hopefully inspire other Apies. I knew I was "different" during high school (im 22 now) and saw that I had a talent for perception to mimicking other social skills. I was always horrible at talking to girls but I was never worried about approaching them because rejection couldn't hurt my feelings because I've dealt with being the oddball and outcast for a while. When I wanted to be in a relationship I wanted it to be with the right person, and I didn't want to repeatedly find the wrong person. I found a online site (pandoras box by vin dicarlo) made to understand how females work and think for relationships from a psychological view. It cost $80 but it was information that was so easy for me to understand and relate with (a lot of audio lecturing, and after about 6 months of studying and another 120 dollars on some of his other products I felt extremely confident with talking to women better. I don't think their system was designed for Aspies but to me its the perfect thing for anyone like me with Aspergers. I know I seem like im advertising a product but I need to explain it to talk about how it worked for me. It helped me understand within a few minutes of talking to any girl for me to know if she was the right type for me or not, and what I loved is that when I actually found my wife and talked with her and I knew exactly then and there that we would be a great match, and I loved that I knew exactly how to talk with her personality type and the right things to say and do, it felt like I had a step by step guide almost.

Another thing that I also did was study microexpressions(I paid like $40 for some stuff on it(different website though), but there are definitely free ways of doing that, those are expressions that show someones true emotions for a split second, by learning that it dramatically helped talking with other people to have a much better idea of what people are thinking/feeling.

Also one of the biggest realizations I had to make was that you can use logic to win almost any point/argument in existence. I had to understand that in any debate logic will always trump emotions, but it was only because they were not made to compete in the same way. I had to realize that logic and emotion were apples and oranges and that I had to give my wifes many emotional opinions credit and care about them, even if it isn't the most "practical way"

Well, I think those are the three biggest things that helped me, if anyone has any questions or wants advice on a relationship ot just wants to share their story, feel free to post below! Thanks for reading

Last edited by theredcore on 10 Jun 2014, 7:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am happy that you found what works best for you. we are all different and have different needs, strengths and weaknesses. I believe that though what works for some may not work for another that we can all learn various skills from each other.

How I met my wife and made a life:

1) Driven the edge of suicide by isolation, alienation and failure by the age of 11, I had a kind of total psychological collapse. The closest thing I could relate it to in material that I read was the "nervous breakdown" that seemed to strike middle aged people. The option seemed to be: a life of unending misery and pain, some kind of unimaginable transformation into "one of them" conforming to the sundry social groups I encountered or a radical rethinking of my priorities and approaches to things.

2)At the age of 13 I came out of a long painful process determined to a) enjoy what I enjoyed my way, the opinions of others be damned, b) make time to be with and explore the ways of the most congenial and sympathetic other people I could find, no matter how much I wanted to just be in my room with my stuff c) Go out and engage life whenever possible, seeking positive experiences and (if possible) connections with other people and d) treasure the most positive experiences I had with other people and the world, really attending to the quality and detail of those experiences on not dwelling on the negative aspects of life when possible.

3) Finding a high school I could stand to go to and then making myself be a social as possible there. This was not always (or even often) successful, but I did meet a lot of people an sometimes developed some kind of relationship with them. Eventually I had three girlfriends and two male friends as a result. One of the relationships from that time is my marriage.

4) University was rough for a variety of reasons and I did not complete my degree, but thanks to my relationship with my wife I did not sink into total depression or despair and eventually got professional work based in some of the things I had studied and this grew into a career and the jobs I have been doing for more than two decades.

Two lessons I take from this:
1) Sometimes you have to be brave and just fight through your worst fears. It is hard but if I had not done it repeatedly, I would not now have the most significant relationship of my life.
2) I acknowledge that my wife saved my life and has been an amazing support system for me, compensating for my deficits and helping me through the roughest patches of my life. I could not have done it without her support and there isn't enough gratitude in the world to show her how I feel about that.

Is there any advice for others with similar problems? I think if you are driven to an extreme state, as I was, you may find it possible to break destructive patterns that have held you back. You won't ever overcome the barrier between your inner self an other people, but if you connect with the right friend/friends they may act as translators for you and that can change almost everything.

As Vicky says, we are all different and have different needs so the life that worked for me so far might not work for someone else. Try to be a decent person and specifically be nice to other people, you may not be able to make those fluid, deep connections with other people, but they will have the impression that your heart is basically in the right place and that can only be good for you in the long run.

And now I'm feeling stupid and self-conscious for trying to share this stuff so I will shut up. I hope it is in some way helpful to somebody.

Wow. Okay, so be open to the decent, nice, interesting people and ignore the jerks. Well, sometimes in school or a workplace, I have to fight a defensive battle. I don't mean literally, but in one workplace, I said to a guy, We need to talk, it is not your job to run people off, you are out of line . . . I'm going to talk with Ann, and I'm telling you in advance because I'm a straight dealer.

The guy responded so well, I decided I didn't need to talk with Ann. And I never had problems with him again.

But I've tried similar things in other workplaces which haven't work. Or, I've regretted fighting battles, and I've regretted not fighting battles.

Or sometimes what hurts the most, the otherwise nice people, the otherwise decent people shun me because I'm unpopular with others and they're seemingly afraid of it rubbing off. That is, they're afraid of themselves being negatively labeled because of associating with me.

I've actually had better luck going the other way, trying to soften my vision so to speak, trying to not stare or scheme

Or what I learned playing poker, it's not about picking up some great subtleties. It's much more about avoiding burying my head so deeply in my own hand that I miss what is patently obvious right in front of me. I may have picked up the very occasional microexpression, but I just don't consider it the main avenue of social interaction, nor even for poker.

I think everyone probably has an internal censor where you quickly review something before saying it. And this includes quote- 'normal' people (no such thing as 'normal' anyway and how boring a place the world if there were! )

I've had some success making a conscious decision to turn down my internal censor, so that the default setting is that it's probably okay to go ahead and say it anyway unless it really jumps out at me as inappropriate. Combined with, if the other person needs space, give them space.

That is, I try and skip the intermediate step of asking whether the other person 'should' need space. There be plenty of time to consider that later at my own leisure if it's something I want to figure out. But as far as being engaged in the world and open to interacting with others, the general attitude I try to have is, the other person needs space, go ahead and give them space.

Since you're mentioning it, yes, it does rather seem like you're advertising a product.

During the last 2 years of college, I started to become more comfortable talking with women in the classroom, workplace and random social events. I do avoid asking them questions about their romantic lives or financial situations. I think the problem that I've been having is trying to romantic attract single women and finding the right one for me. Maybe I'll look at this Pandora's Box thing. I just wanna know the skills need to let a woman fall into my arms.

My "salesman alarm" is going off ... I hope I'm wrong.

"how females work" sounds like BS to me.

When I think of several women I know, they are each individuals with distinct personalities, interests and behaviors. Carol does not "work" the same way as "Linda" who in turn does not work the same way as "Catherine." Some selling an ops manual for "females" is peddling poop.

Actually, I am pretty sure we all "work" in pretty much the same way, but only if you look at the level of ATP cycles, membrane potentials and polypeptides. There may be some minor differences in the way Carol's and Catherine's voltage gated sodium channels work, but the structure is going to be pretty much the same.

I have a feeling that's not what the "Guide to females" is all about, though.

What helped me form a relationship with my wife when we were young teenagers was A) dancing together, B) singing together (mostly Bob Marley and Elvis Costello songs (this is around 1979)) and C) talking until the sun came up. Lots of shared experience and lots of q&a. A manual would have been a waste of time and I would have had to have thought about the way it described "females" instead of actually engaging the unique qualities of the person in front of me.

I agree with you. Every time I read something about "what women like" or what they want, etc, there is always many things I disagree with.

Yes, BS indeed. Women are people, with the same range of personalities, interests, abilities, likes and dislikes as men. Why some men seem to think this is not the case is a bit of a mystery. And it's a worldview that almost certainly does not contribute positively to the quality of their relationships (romantic or otherwise).

Well I guess I did say a lot of good things about it, but I don't own that company or any part of it, and I get 0 incentive to tell anyone. This community is the first group of people (besides my wife) that I told about all this, just because I felt that you guys would understand more.

@ Whoever is saying that you cant understand females that is f*****g BS! Have you ever tried it? Because I can say that I have, and that I can say that I AM MARRIED because of it. Everyone thinks a certain way for a reason, everyone acts a certain way for a reason, and if you know the signs to look for, you can know quite a bit about a person. Those of you saying that it will always be a mystery, that is only a scapegoat. I just don't like other people who haven't experienced what I have telling me that my experiences are BS.

Ill show you a slight example to show how women and men relate different.

Scenario 1:
Guy 1: Hey man! whats up?
Guy 2: Not much, just getting some stuff to fix a sink
Guy1: Oh, well If you have this problem I recommend doing this/this,/ this
Guy 2: cool thanks!

Scenario 2:
Girl 1: Hey! whats up?
Girl 2: Not much, just getting some stuff to fix a sink
Girl 1: Oh that sucks! I had that happen to me last week, that really sucks doesn't it?

As you can see the main differences in this are that the males gave a logical solution to the problem, when the females just found a way to RELATE to the problem.


This can be taken when talking to a girl, if you ask what she likes doing and she said playing the piano because she feels free. To keep talking with this person you don't even need to talk about the piano, just RELATE to the feeling by saying something like " I know what you mean! I get that same feeling every time I go on a run!" Two different topics, but you related through emotion, which is how girls generally speak with each other.

I can help you understand more if you would like. Because this is not BS but things that actually help in life

You are wrong thankfully. If you had any questions though I'd be happy to explain anything more in depth. I wont be able to cover EVERYTHING but I can still probably answer most specific questions you may have. (I said it earlier I don't own that company or any part it in, and get no incentive to advertise, so I don't mind sharing the information I paid for)

Sorry theredcore, I didn't mean to insult you, it just seemed strange that you only joined a few days ago and are advertising something that we have to pay for. But yes, feel free to share your experiences with us, or whatever you want to discuss.

If it was me your response wouldn't be appropriate, I would definitely prefer if you could help me find a solution rather than sit there and tell me how much it sucks and that you had the same experience lol, I would definitely appreciate your suggestions to fix the problem.

Seriously, maybe there is some general rules, and maybe these rules (or assumptions?) did help you in your life, surely there is women who would react the way you would expect them to, but we women, just like men, are all different, and have different personalities.