I don't understand my emotions.

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I have, since many years back, often felt like I don't understand my emotions. I feel a lot of things but I often don't really know what I feel or how I should express the emotions. I quite regularly feel like I'm younger than I "should be" emotionally. I think I'm quite mature when it comes to my thinking (which I even thought back when I was a child and I thought kids my age were very boring, immature and that they didn't think enough) but when it comes to emotions I sometimes feel like a young teenager.

I sometimes get "episodes" of feelings that I don't understand (I often don't really understand what it is that I'm feeling but these "episodes" are different). It mostly happens when I'm tired and/or experience anxiety (I think). Everything feels wrong. My clothes feel wrong against my skin, I don't want anyone to touch me, I can't really sit still and I get annoying. Annoying in the sense that I for example start saying things over and over and over again. I for example quote things from movies or say certain words or phrases repeatedly. I do it until people get tired of me and even longer. I don't do it to be annoying but to somehow get rid of the feelings I can't identify. I almost feel like a child in those situations.

I can't stop thinking about emotions (I have a tendency to ponder things ad nauseam). They're a bit of a mystery to me. I almost feel a bit like a paradox; I tend to think logically but at the same time I'm emotional in a way that's not logical in my head. I've been thinking a lot about alexithymia and I've come to the conclusion that I might possess some sort of personality similar to those with alexithymia since I seem to have an inadequate vocabulary when it comes to thoughts and feelings and I also have a hard time knowing what I feel and why. Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing between different emotions. Yesterday I figured out I sometimes can't really distinguish between anxiety and restlessness/boredom. Does anyone else have a problem with this?

Showing certain emotions is a problem for me as well. I sometimes get to hear that I often distance myself emotionally (and physically), that I don't show certain positive feelings enough, that I'm a bit weird for almost never crying to books/movies/other things, that it sometimes seems like I'm not interested in certain things etc. When I for example receive gifts I have to actively force myself to smile and show feelings of gratitude, which is difficult even though I actually am thankful.

The bigger part of my life has been a struggle with/against emotions and I'm quite tired of not understanding myself. I feel lonely and like I'm not understood by people. I wish I could talk to someone about this but I don't really know how and I tend to get withdrawn instead. The only person ("in real life") who I'd like to speak to about this (and we've spoken about some of this a little bit) is the psychologist who's assessing me but we're not really meeting up that much during the summer due to vacations etc, which is difficult for me.

Anyway, can anyone relate to this? Any thoughts on the matter?

I don't know that I feel any emotions, other than anxiety, which I recognise because it manifests partly physically. Unless I have them but don't recognise them.

I'm not sure I understand this entire post completely as I'm one of those Aspies that require specific examples and detailed information
or I will just go on numerous tangents. Also, I feel like I mostly understand my feelings but perhaps not 100% so it feels
difficult to relate except for a few points.

I also sometimes can't distinguish between anxiety and restlessness/boredom;
this MAY be due to them possibly being the same thing or coexisting simultaneously.
I'm time-pressured; in the summer holidays, if I'm not having fun within a few minutes, I usually
get anxious thinking, "if I don't have fun now, I'll waste my entire summer".
Life and time are very precious to me.

Sometimes anxiety feels quite physical depending on how it manifests and the degree of its severity.
Hormones like adrenaline and cortisol feel awful when released during anxiety; it's that feeling
in your stomach (or nearby, perhaps kidneys, not sure)
and makes you feel sick and worried beyond just psychologically. (But also makes it worse psychologically
because it's a form of discomfort.)

As for movies or comics or cartoons, etc., I sometimes enjoy crying when watching an emotional and sad scene.
I have no clue if this is common, uncommon or neutral for most Aspies but I can't relate with you there
so it's difficult for me to comprehend how that feels.

However I can definitely relate to what you said about making false emotional expressions.
Sometimes my emotions don't match my facial expressions;
sometimes I might look sad but really I'm just neutral or possibly just bored.
Now could this just be an Aspie's error-nous way of thinking due to different brain wiring
or could it actually mean I subconsciously am sad? This is possible but I guess it's difficult to know
as the subconscious mind is very difficult to measure and explore.

Also, when friends make a joke (whether I understand it or not)
that I don't particularly find humorous, I laugh or smile anyway just to avoid
hurting their feelings or making it awkward; I expect/hope the same from them but I'm not sure
who actually operates in this way; I don't like seeing people unhappy so I try to be as friendly
as reasonably possible.

Lastly, with gifts I'm happy with, I may not feel 'that happy' enough to
give a genuine smile but falsely smile to appear grateful (which I actually am)
and avoid disappointing the gift giver. It could be that some Aspies are just more difficult
to excite or please; myself included. If I'm excited for a new episode of a favourite TV show of mine,
I probably wouldn't be smiling and jumping around, but most likely just pay attention and appreciate
it on the inside without necessarily showing it on the outside other than possible fixation.

I'm not sure why this happens; it could be subconscious feelings distorting your feelings,
disallowing you from truly experiencing your real emotions or it could be
brain chemistry to blame.

Like when you're on a computer for a long period of time, focusing on something
(perhaps making a post on WrongPlanet) and you feel like you have
a slight headache or your head just 'doesn't feel right'
or feels heavy or filled or empty or other such different state.

I think that might be an example of altered brain chemistry (perhaps different levels of certain neurotransmitters
like dopamine and serotonin)
so you can imagine if a similar thing is going on in your head you probably
won't feel your happiness as much.

Compare days when you went out and had a genuinely nice time
to days you were stuck indoors doing something repetitive or for long periods of time;
there is a day and night difference in how your head feels and thus may affect
your emotions. Apparently exercise improves the balance/levels of serotonin in the brain.

I didn't realize that was an aspie thing. It's definitely a trait I have.

I'm mostly like that as well. Sorry for not being able to give more detailed information in the post. It's a difficult subject since I don't really know how I feel or why I feel that way.



It's the same for me.

I totally identify with the OP. I think in a mature way but my emotions are very immature. I can't usually understand or express what I am feeling and my emotions tend to be really intense. I don't identify with not getting emotional on books/movies though because I am very sensitive. I don't think in my case this is alexytimia either because I don't fit the profile and check lists
[ quote="LookingLost"]I don't know that I feel any emotions, other than anxiety, which I recognise because it manifests partly physically. Unless I have them but don't recognise them.[/quote]
yes! I usually only recognize anxiety and not because of any conscious thought but because I get physical pain and stomachache. So I don't know I am anxious until I start feeling the pains and I am like: "oh, I am anxious"

Sounds to me like a classic case of asperger's in a typical male. The abstract emotions... the hardships in expressing those emotions, etc... I can't speak for everyone but I, for one, have experienced these my whole life. You've got two choices.. you can either close up and isolate yourself to a certain extent so that you can deal with those emotions by yourself without bothering anyone else, or you can dive deep into the reasons behind emotions and learn to understand and handle them in a more socially acceptable way.. and since you're talking to a shrink it seems you are on the right track. don't give up. And whatever you do, don't make any major decisions when you are going through one of those episodes

That's a big part of being autistic and is a very big part of my world. JacobV's advice is very good advice.

why do you say it is typical of aspergers in males? From what I know it is typical of aspergers, female or male

I am female and can really relate to this. Anxiety is something I feel a lot but I also have a hard time identifying it, especially when I was younger like a child and past college. I get a lot of stomach and chest cramps and spasm feelings in my arms and a feeling that all the energy in my body is rushing up into my chest and head. It's taken years to accept that this is anxiety.

Another weird problem I had was when I'd get really silly or really happy, like happy enough to express it, I'd have within a few minutes a massive "panic" attack and racing OCD thoughts. It was so bad that I spent many years suppressing happiness because of the horrendous attack of nerves that would follow. Over time, the attack became delayed and wouldn't hit til later until nowadays I can control some of that happiness and still be satisfactorily happy without it feeling out of control? It was worst when happy around other people. Didn't happen so much when I was alone. It has really bothered my husband over the years because he wanted me to be bubbly and excitable, but I couldn't be that way.

Anxiety remains the emotion that sneaks up on me. I think I'm fine, coping well, and then BAM it will just slam me and I can't be still and I can't function. I will think back and realize my stomach as in knots and I was having pain in my abdomen and my back or my arms were hurting just before the anxiety attack over whatever it was hits and I worry all kinds over whatever the issue is.

I don't know if I feel love. I know that I have excessive empathy sometimes and other times nothing. Love is weird to me. I know I am supposed to say it back when it is said to me, but I don't feel it so I kind of feel like I am lying. Now I know "love is an action" but there is also the feeling people go on about. I do have giddiness and I do have a sort of attachment but I know it isn't like what "normal" people have. I used to feel really bad about the attachment thing because I was taught you have to like or need people for reasons other than food, housing, and comfort which is true, and I work really hard to do that. To attach to people the "right" way but I fail. I end up in very one-sided friend relationships where I am the one the other depends on for support or they are giving me all the support and I don't feel like I am giving back to them. It's like I can't balance the give and take or can't play both roles at the same time. I am either the giver or the taker it seems and in the inbetween I am very uncomfortable. I tend towards the giver role probably because it is what I think is right and because it does give some control. The taker role doesn't happen as much because I don't know how to take comfort from other people most of the time. There are a few but they are far between that I can actually take comfort from. I end up giving too much often and then no longer hear from the person and then get hurt.

I do have the problem with anxiety and boredom or restlessness. I tend to get really anxious feeling (the rising in my chest, the urge to bang my back on something, etc). It's like I don't know how to just "be" or that I can't just "be" so my mind is always going. There is also so much to do with housework and children and being a wife and then my own interests that I am driven to do. It's like I never have enough time. I think restlessness and anxiety are the same. Or maybe restlessness causes anxiety? Maybe my obsessive mind hunts for something to worry about when I am restless or bored?

I have NO trouble feeling deep sadness and grief. I have trouble controlling anger, trouble recognizing and dealing with anxiety and trouble recognizing love. The "light" feelings like happiness, giddiness, the things that make you feel like a balloon that's going to be ripped away in the wind, I have trouble with those. I express them with flapping, stomping, jumping, slamming the wall, giggling madly, all manner of "weird" things. Those feelings make me feel out of control and I value control.

The gift-getting thing is hard. I always feel bad when I get gifts because I have to pretend to show thankfulness or that I like something. It's not that I don't feel those things, it's that I have to try really hard to show it. Joy at a gift is something very private to me which is why when I give something to someone I walk away so they don't feel awkward at having to perform. It took a long time and a marriage relationship for me to understand that other people don't feel this way and want you to be "bubbly" so they can feel good about what they gave you. I didn't need to know that the other person liked what I gave them because I knew what I gave them was good or because I didn't need their reaction; I just needed to give. My husband has gotten used to my reactions (or lack thereof) but it has caused us a bit of grief (me, guilt and him, frustration or annoyance). I still feel bad about a baby shower I was given with my first child and afterwards someone in the family commented to my husband I think about how I wasn't thankful enough or didn't seem happy or I was impolite. I thought I had done really well but I guess I didn't. I still feel horrible about it and never want to be in that position again. It was very awkward and I survived it but I guess no one appreciated how difficult it actually was for me to be the center of attention and not knowing how to perform for such a prolonged period probably because they didn't have the same problems I do so it never crossed their minds. My mom told me not to worry about it because people knew I was "shy" and "quiet." I now recognize that I went into shutdown not far into it. I can write really good thank you notes though so hopefully that took care of it.

I went rambling. I hope at least you know you aren't alone in this. It looks like quite a few people here know what this is like.

Emotions are always a hard thing for me, whether I am alone, or I am trying to read someone else, I don't understand.

Happiness is like, well, when I am able to feel good about something. But sometimes, when I am happy, people are annoyed at me.

Sadness is when I don't feel good. Being a long time self-injurer, I know the feeling well, but I hate it. But I just want to cut myself and I don't feel as sad anymore.

ANGER. I'm mad about something, whether it's people being inconsiderate for others or things like that. I have a hard time controlling myself when I am angry and much more prone to meltdown.

Love. The very thing that has tortured me my whole life. It feels like this emptiness until someone fills it for you and it stays filled. I have gone out with a girl before, and I felt as though I was complete. But then we decided the relationship wasn't right and now that emptiness still haunts me.

I can recognise anger, fear, and love, and maybe melancholy. Everything else is invisible to me.

I believe that I do in fact experience every emotion that is normal for humans. But I can never recognise what emotion I'm feeling. Or more likely, I don't even recognise that I'm feeling an emotion.

Movies and alcohol seem to bring out the emotion in me the most. And this is when I can really go to pieces quickly. I'll start to cry, or shake uncontrollably. I lose control of myself. It's pretty bad really. It's only in recent years that I've come to understand that it is caused by a strong emotion of some sort, that I'm not equipped to handle.

Omg totally! I get confused by emotions all the time. Like you, I often feel like I'm not showing enough emotion in front of people. I've come to the conclusion that they'll just have to make do with what I can give with sincerity; I refuse to show anything more than I feel anymore. Some people are naturally less demonstrative, and there's nothing wrong with that. Plus, if you get in the habit of acting, then people never really get to know the real you, and can maybe mix up your emotions and intentions in future, which can make things worse. People begin to distrust you, thinking you have ulterior motives.

Some countries and cultures are actually worse for putting pressure on people to be open and emotionally demonstrative than others. It depends where you live too.

I don't understand emotions because I intellectualize my life and try and work out why this thing has happened or why that hasn't etc etc.

The principle emotion I do not understand is love. I've been very aloof for most my life. I don't know how love feels. I don't know if I loved anyone in the past or was it simply just lust. I think I might have loved one or two people, but I don't know how. I love my ex partner in some way, but I don't know how. I don't get all jittery when I think of her but I do get lustful cravings at times, but if I could be with her by her side and making a home with her, I would. So, I love her very deeply in some way or another but I'm not sure how.

If I try to explain my emotional reaction to something, I get confused. Because I have so many questions and they blur everything and make things very confusing.

Dynamics of emotional relationships really do confuse me. And for some reason I find it very hard to stop asking questions and just let things be.

Also, I don't feel emotions in my body. Only when my stomach has contracted in reaction to anxiety did I realize that I was anxious. But everything is in my head. I analyze, I don't feel and if I do feel, then I analyze.

I notice that I can have a harder time understanding others emotions or their actions related to these emotions when it comes life oriented issues/ problems. In turn, this causes me to not understand related emotions internally or causes conflict internally which I don't understand fully.

I think in part this is because I look at things in a logical manner and try to solve issues in this manner. Others may not do so and this sets up a conflict at times.

I get further confused when they get frustrated by this logical thinking or react negatively.

I worry about this but at some point I guess you cannot make everyone happy.