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Joe90
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15 Jul 2014, 11:28 am

I have gotten used to hiding my Asperger's and I know I can, but I hate it when people like on WP say things like ''but how do you know you hide it? You probably spend your life thinking you're able to disguise as close to NT as you can get but actually are the opposite to other people, and they only pretend to like you to be polite'', which in other words means ''everybody on the spectrum lacks self-awareness so much even if they think they don't, and nobody really likes us even if you think they do''. And I never know how to prove that I CAN hide my Asperger's and that it generally WORKS. Yes I know I probably can't be 100% NT, but I do know full well that I don't display behaviour that strongly gives away that I have an ASD. A lot of people just think I am nervous/anxious person and that's it, maybe with some learning difficulties too.

I hate all these endless ''but how do you know...?'' conversations. They drive me mad! I never know how to prove myself right when I get conversations like this example:-

Me: I know I look and act normal in public
Other person: But how do you know you do? You probably think you do but it is very likely that you are doing something unusual that you are unaware of
Me: No, I really do know that I act normal. Nobody looks embarrassed when they are with me, and nobody has told me that I'm embarrassing either
Other person: But you can't read body language so the person with you might be feeling embarrassed which you are also unaware of, and they won't tell you either because they don't want to upset you or anything
Me: But I can read body language
Other person: How do you know you can?
Me: Well...I don't know how I know [gives a short story based on an example of a time I instinctively understood body language in a situation]
Other person: In that situation you described, somebody probably hinted something to you rather than you understanding the body language of another person...
Me: Was you there? No! I know I can read body language and I know I don't do weird things out in public, and I know I know how to dress to blend in too!
Other person: You mostly likely think that you know a lot about fashion and how to blend in. I thought I knew all the latest fashion trends, until I found out that I was walking around looking really unusual in the way I dressed.

Baaah!! Does anybody else run into these conversations? How do you prove another poster wrong?


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League_Girl
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15 Jul 2014, 11:54 am

I wouldn't even waste my time trying to prove someone wrong. I hear stuff all the time about AS I don't like and I wonder if I am wrongly placed on the spectrum or am I an exception. Or am I fooling myself. I was in the car with my husband on our way to Montana for our family trip and I told him I changed my thinking and he said "No that isn't changing your thinking, you have just matured with it and have more knowledge." Then he told me I am still that way a little bit. I forget right now what it was about. I think it was something about how I process things.

You know yourself better than others and people.


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15 Jul 2014, 12:16 pm

I agree - not worth my time or energy to try to convince another human of what I already know :-)
I have a mentor who is a retired psychologist who tells me I do not have autism. ?????
Oh well. We know who we are.


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michael517
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15 Jul 2014, 12:43 pm

Just yesterday someone pointed out something strange about how I walk. And I thought I was hiding it.

But if Joe90 doesn't want to be annoyed by it, then so be it. I haven't asked you in the past, and I will make sure not to ask you in the future.



AspieUtah
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15 Jul 2014, 12:58 pm

I know that my masking is convincing because, having been in state and local politics for a looong time, I have the thousands of news videos and reports to show it. I admit that my Asperger's Syndrome severity is mild. But, if I hadn't masked, I know that my career would have been limited somewhat at least by the news reporters who liked my ability to make quotable statements on demand. Later in my career, my intense focus and occasional anger was also reported, so I knew it was time to get out of that arena.

That said, my masking was also extremely exhausting to me. I now choose to mask rarely and for short periods of time, if at all. If I had to prove to others my masking ability, I guess I would point to how well I worked in state, national and local politics and government.


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skibum
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15 Jul 2014, 2:02 pm

I would not bother with that argument either. If you have managed to fool tons of people into thinking that you are NT than obviously you can hide your traits well. I guess that is the way to say how you know you can. Just mention all the people who are shocked to find out you have an ASD.


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CockneyRebel
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15 Jul 2014, 2:42 pm

Every time I've educated people about autism and AS in the past I got told, "There's nothing wrong with you." "But you seem so normal." "You don't look autistic." "You're just a little bit slow." "But you're so smart."

I agree that there's nothing horribly wrong with me, I'm just a little bit slow and I'm an intelligent person. The other things seem rather out there to me. There's an autistic way of looking? I'd like to see what people think that look would be. I do seem normal compared to spectrumites that those people might know, but I thought autism was an invisible disability and we all look normal.


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Joe90
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15 Jul 2014, 2:51 pm

skibum wrote:
I would not bother with that argument either. If you have managed to fool tons of people into thinking that you are NT than obviously you can hide your traits well. I guess that is the way to say how you know you can. Just mention all the people who are shocked to find out you have an ASD.


That's what starts off the argument :) . I know I have fooled plenty of people with trying my hardest to hide almost all of my traits, but some people on sites like these are like ''but how do you know you have fooled people?'' So I got to write something like a thousand-word essay explaining how I know, which people then get bored with reading.

I'm not directly accusing anybody here of these arguments. I'm not even talking about a particular person at all. It's just what I have encountered over the 4 years I have been a member here, and wanted to write a thread about it to see if others know what I mean.


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KingdomOfRats
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15 Jul 2014, 4:22 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
Every time I've educated people about autism and AS in the past I got told, "There's nothing wrong with you." "But you seem so normal." "You don't look autistic." "You're just a little bit slow." "But you're so smart."

I agree that there's nothing horribly wrong with me, I'm just a little bit slow and I'm an intelligent person. The other things seem rather out there to me. There's an autistic way of looking? I'd like to see what people think that look would be. I do seem normal compared to spectrumites that those people might know, but I thought autism was an invisible disability and we all look normal.

the autistic 'look' is more about behavior than actual physical look,am always recognised as autistic by strangers as we get them coming up and starting conversations with staff/family.

however in those of us with intelectual disability as well as autism;many of us have associated physical differences with that because it caused under development, with mine for example have got a very high top lip line which is extremely common in ID,it woud make sense for ignorant people to mistake the common physical features of ID with autism.


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CockneyRebel
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15 Jul 2014, 4:31 pm

KingdomOfRats wrote:
CockneyRebel wrote:
Every time I've educated people about autism and AS in the past I got told, "There's nothing wrong with you." "But you seem so normal." "You don't look autistic." "You're just a little bit slow." "But you're so smart."

I agree that there's nothing horribly wrong with me, I'm just a little bit slow and I'm an intelligent person. The other things seem rather out there to me. There's an autistic way of looking? I'd like to see what people think that look would be. I do seem normal compared to spectrumites that those people might know, but I thought autism was an invisible disability and we all look normal.

the autistic 'look' is more about behavior than actual physical look,am always recognised as autistic by strangers as we get them coming up and starting conversations with staff/family.

however in those of us with intelectual disability as well as autism;many of us have associated physical differences with that because it caused under development, with mine for example have got a very high top lip line which is extremely common in ID,it woud make sense for ignorant people to mistake the common physical features of ID with autism.


Thank you for explaining the autistic look to me.


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Joe90
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15 Jul 2014, 5:08 pm

I think this is one of those situations where you can't convince people about the truth in words, it's something they've got to see for themselves. So if some online members hung out with me for a day, then they would see that I do know how to pass off as NT. I have always had only mild Asperger's, and often I know how to mask most of the symptoms, even from a young age.


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dianthus
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15 Jul 2014, 8:32 pm

League_Girl wrote:
You know yourself better than others and people.


^This.

And it's ironic how people on a website can question how you can know yourself, or know something about other people that you've actually know in person, when they have never met you or those other people in person. It sounds ridiculous, for people to be saying "how do you know..." when they themselves are just judging you or your situation from a very limited perspective.

Anyway Joe90, I believe you, you have always come across to me as very perceptive and self-aware.



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15 Jul 2014, 10:36 pm

Yes, Joe90, you seem quite self-aware. Some people on this forum think they can extrapolate from their own specific manifestation of ASD onto others, which is not a valid procedure.

Still, you can also ask for feedback from friends who know you, e.g., "When I do this, do I come of strange?" Etc. It helps me. Some things I'm doing fine. Others I still need to work on.



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16 Jul 2014, 7:53 am

It seems to me that the people who say and suggest such things are 'living in their heads' a bit too much. Basically what they're doing (besides the fact that obviously, they can't tell what you come across as IRL) is questioning your basic sense of reality all on the basis of lack of social understanding and skills in reading body language. Doing that, they create these theories and hypotheses in their mind which are basically thought structures and while contemplating those, they start to theorise even more to the eventual point where it's all purely hypothetical, of which they might be unaware. Questioning your basic sense of reality and the accuracy of your perception (because of supposed social blindness etc) makes the whole process going. It's like questioning what you see with your eyes; are those leaves really green or are they actually pink? Doubting perception makes theorising easy and likely to happen. And in the process they proceed with the thought structures. What if the leaves are pink and actually have teeth?

You say x.

They say y.

You say no.

They say 'but!'

You question that.

'But!'

That way the whole discussion moves far into the theoretical and people thereby project their thought structures on reality but at the same time, they move further away from practical reality.

At least, that's all my suspicion/observation.


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