Need advise please. Sorry long post.

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My undiagnosed Aspie husband left me 3 days ago without any warning. I had known he was AS for a long time (that is my job) and although I had asked him if he had difficulties in certain areas, he would only acknowledge not being able to express himself well. Over the years, I have become more and more clear that he is AS. But at the start, he was sociable (and still is) and we had a normal sex life. I thought he was just quirky and had some traits as a hangover from 16 yeasr in the army. My friends thought he was just shy. He was generous, kind and helpful, He was not abusive in anyway. But things he did irritated me and I guess I have to accept a lot of the blame. However, we never argued, I knew it was pointless to push him.

So the other day, I asked him if he was happy and he said no. I don;t think I love you anymore. I asked him what love meant to him and he said missing me when he was working nights. (He works 2 nights a week as part of his shift). I told him after 9 years together (married 6), that he wouldn't miss me. However, he packed a small bag there and then and moved in with a friend to "Evaluate". He said we would discuss it in 2 weeks time. We never argued and we were off on a routine shopping trip planning our lunch! I had NO idea and I am almost sorry I asked him but I think deep down I sensed he was unhappy and didn't want to face it.

I am distraught. So many forums have said to NT's run. But I don't want to run. I do love him.

So my questions are. Knowing how rigid he can be, could he change his mind?
I guess I need to give him his two weeks and not contact him? (although he is coming today for clothes)
My friends have told me if I want him back, I need to tell him but I don't think that will work for him.

Thank you for any suggestions.

It's entirely possible he may change his mind and I agree with your friends that you should tell him how you feel. I have ASD and my partner is NT but has several autistic traits. For the last few years I've been feeling more and more suffocated by the pressures of life and feel like packing my things and disappearing to be alone. I'm not happy either because I feel like my partner puts too much pressure on me to behave NT when I cannot and I don't have any family I can turn too. Maybe your husband has similar issues or maybe it's something different, I'm not sure. I do know that if I left I would welcome my partner contacting me and telling me he wants me back because I've been feeling unloved for a long time and feel he would easily just carry on with his life if I went.

Best wishes, I hope you can both work things out xx

Well, this is why I expect I'll never marry for "love."

The feeling we often associate with "love" doesn't last. It's why NT couples divorce so easily. Marriage has to be based on something deeper and stronger than romantic feelings.

1. What was his vow when he married you? Did he willingly choose to be monogamous and devoted to you no matter how he might feel in the future? AS people tend to feel obligated to stick with things they choose to do.

2. Does he have any feelings for you? Would he be angry or defensive is someone insulted or tried to harm you, or if you became ill enough to be rushed to the ER? This signifies that he DOES love you...he just isn't feeling the kind of love this reaction represents.

You should both attend marital counseling. He needs to understand that marriage is more than how he feels right now, and if he's unhappy, see if the cause can be addressed. If it's just the fact that he doesn't have romantic feelings or that he doesn't think he will "miss" you, that's not enough to justify walking away.

I would try to tell him how you feel (if he is open to it) and then leave him be. That way he knows exactly how you feel and the "ball is in his court" and he will have to be the one to make the next move. Whether that is staying with you or not.. I agree with above posters that say that infatuation and whatnot is part of the first stage of a relationship. Then that settles down and you care for the person in a deeper/ different way. If he is out of the honeymoon stage and feels nothing for you.. that could be trouble.

I think you should tell him how you feel but in a very gentle and unpushy way. You are going to have to have faith with this situation. The two weeks of space will be very good for him and he needs to be able to evaluate how he feels. This can be very difficult for people on the Spectrum sometimes. I know that it is very difficult for me. But he needs the distance to be able to do that so don't be afraid to give him that. Hopefully he will realize how deep your love for each other is and that will bring him back. But you can't force this, you have to let him come to that realization himself. If he comes to a different realization than try to get to that bridge when you get there. But for now, and I know it's a lot easier said than done, try not to be too anxious. Keep your vibe positive and that will help him. But definitely give him the space he needs to be able to sort out his thoughts and feelings. Hopefully this will bring the two of you closer.