People wanting you to be someone else

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Hi, my name is Simon

I have always been different than my peers and family in just about everything, example, my brother is incredibly good at football, he was also the most popular kid in school, he has the hottest girlfriend ever and has over 1000 friends on facebook and in real life. My sister follows just after with being incredibly good at skiing, and she's engaged to a nice guy with alot of friends, she studies for being a lawyer. As you probably guessed, I'm the youngest one of them, but my father is also very good at football, and can talk to women like it's a walk in the park, he lost his virginity at age 15 and is always the most outgoing person in the room. And then there's me... I cried everytime my father tried to teach me football when I was 6 years old, I would obviously learn football if I was the guy I am today as a 6 year old. I'm very awkward in conversation, and everyone always calls me "the quiet guy" when it comes to conversation. Why can't I be like my family? Why do I have to be the black sheep of the family? It kills me inside, and makes me suicidal. I can't even ride a bike without my hands (which is a big deal to me) I always try to be better but I can't, because I'm such a weirdo. I feel like I'm a shame to my dad, I feel sorry for him because he has to deal with me. He should be in his home country (Morocco) but the only reason he is in my country (Norway) is because of me, he desperately wants me to be neurotypical, I've gotten so many personalities from people wanting me to be someone else, that I'm borderline schizophrenic! Nothing is right with me, they say, I can't even eat my food without spilling it, my dad always says that my siblings learned so quickly, and I need help with eating. My dad also majored in Mathematics, and I can't even learn my goddamn times table. Not a day goes by without me thinking of suicide, running away, etc. My brain is too differently wired for the normal world, I don't excel at anything particular, and I always feel that my dad will regret too much when he is laying on his deathbed, my brother and sister also made it themselves, so when my parents are gone, they will leave me as well, like the black sheep I am. Does anyone else have some experience with this topic? If so, can you share your experiences? I really need some tips here!

You have something that is an excellent quality. Empathy. Have empathy for yourself too. People shouldn't be down on you for not being able to do this or that. They should be happy that you even tried. It sounds like your parents need to be educated about mental illness. My parents, and my best friends parents changed in a big way once they took NAMI classes. Look into that organization and see if they have it or something like it in your country. Your parents should be more accepting of you. Don't feel bad about yourself. Do things that you enjoy. And if you're not good at it, but you enjoy it, keep at it. It's not how good you are at something, it's if you have fun doing it.

As difficult as it may be, you need to have a heart to heart with your dad. You might even have him read your post. It's not fair for him to put expectations on you that you cannot meet. It's not fair that he compare you to your siblings. And I know this is a lot harder to do than to say but you need to stop comparing yourself to your siblings. Do you have any special interests or things that you like? Perhaps you could focus on something that you really like and just enjoy learning about it. It's amazing what you are capable of learning when you really enjoy something. Find something that can make you feel good and proud even if it's just one thing. Start there. You need to detach yourself from how you think you compare to your family and learn who you are, not the bad things about you but the good things. Once you have some confidence in yourself, your dad and siblings will see you in a different light.

My siblings are all over achievers. I am the only one who did not finish school. I have one brother with a severe mental disorder and he is taken care of but he still got a university degree and I think he even graduated with honors. I always felt like the biggest loser next to my siblings as far as achievements go and my mom used to like to compare us. But I ended up finding special interests, skiing is one of them actually, like your sister and I learned to sing as well since I loved singing. I actually ended up singing with a group for 8 years and that was great. We traveled to different countries and it was awesome. I also ended up teaching skiing for a year but I stopped teaching because I wanted to have the time to work on my own technique. I also became a technical swim instructor and did that for a few years. And this year I became a Special Olympics athlete which I love and my mom is so excited about that. She really started to respect me when I excelled at my interests and made something of them. I don't have a way to support myself financially though but my husband helps me there. And even finding a husband was not easy. With that, it was not my doing, God just blessed me because he knew that I needed my husband.

But I think that you should really just find something you can love and enjoy. That will take the focus off of you comparing yourself and you might make your family really proud of you. They don't need you to be them. They want you to be happy and well.

I'm 40 and I still manage to get more of my food in my lap and on my face than I do in my mouth. My coordination has always been rubbish and my brain wiring makes simple everyday things really hard. But I've raised a child,had jobs and lived as independantly as an NT person (no one is fully independant,its a myth) despite all of that. Because I found the square holes and backdoors and supportive environments to enable me with the brain and body I've got. Its ok that you're no good at things that your family are good at, that doesnt mean you're a lost cause, just that you're you and not them. And you need to find you under all the unfair expectations you're beating yourself up with and figure out what that you wants to do in your life. What makes you happy? Or at least less suicidal feeling?

I think they are all caught up in the hive mind of being engrossed in their own identities.

I think when your father is on his deathbed that you will be the one there for him and you'll be exactly what he needs, a genuine spiritual connection.

I don't have any brothers or sisters, but I too had trouble with my parents when I was younger. Having a good imagination and writing skills are powerful tools. You can do anything you want with it. Some of the most influential people in history have been writers. I'm sure you know all of this, but I'm just trying to say that you may end up just as successful or more than the rest of your family by doing what you are already good at. So don't feel hopeless. Try talking to your parents about the fact that you want to write because you're good at it. If you can get access to a counselor of some sort, you may be able to get some leverage in dealing with your family. A counselor may be able to intervene and convince your dad that writing is a good thing.

My dad could talk to any random stranger at any place and come off charming and likable. Okay, maybe that's a slight exaggeration. Not by much. The contrast between me and him from a social standpoint is remarkable. I can barely talk to family. So I kind of get what you're putting down. My dad can do so much I wouldn't know the first thing about.

You should try to have a sit down with your dad. Just the two of you. It went well for me. Made me feel less pressured. Parents often say things like, "I never would have guessed you felt that way." They really can't read our minds. No matter how obvious something seems to us.

Off topic, but I think the fact your dad has talked to you about losing his virginity is really inappropriate.

Please don't take this the wrong way. It's not them you need to be more like; it's you that you need to be more like...

You must learn to excel at being YOU, not being like them...

Could I ask how old you are?

I grew up in a family with whom I had absolutely nothing in common, not even genes; it was like being a cat brought up in a family of dogs.
They hated me for being different. I hated being different. It was unhappy.

But as I went on in life I met people who encouraged me to be me. And I grew in to being myself, and that's when happiness began to be a possibility for me.

Sounds sort of like me. Sure your Dad wants you to be like your siblings but ask yourself, how much of it is him wanting you to be that way and how much of it is you wanting you to be that way? From what you wrote it sounds like some of the regret about not being more normal comes from yourself.

I regret stuff like that too. When I was young I envied people with more money becuase they could buy stuff. Now I envy people with more money because they were skilled enough to make the money, not because of how much they can buy. It's sort of like even if I won the lottery I wouldn't care because it would only increasey my spending power but do nothing to increase my earning power.

I keep changing my mind about whether I should go to uni or not. I don't know whether I'd find it a really fun place or a really stressful place but I feel a twinge of guilt every time someone says they are/were in uni so I wonder if just going is the only way to scratch that itch. I wonder if it's OK for me to study something even though I may not end up working in my field of study. Sometimes it seems like people with worse problems than me are able to go.

A lot of it is that you have to try to stop comparing yourself to others. I know this is easier said than done. In my case, I might not mind being single so much if nearly everyone else hadn't paired up. I can't stop comparing myself to my cousin. He's almost the exact same age as me and he seems to do everything better than me. He has a degree, he has a middle class job, he's engaged, they have enough money to go on frequent intercontinental holidays, he's thinner than me, he got his driver's licence 3 years before I did, he moved out of home 7 years before I did. And the icing on the cake is that he's 6 feet and 3 inches tall and I'm only 6 feet and 2 inches tall

Anyway, I think of him as my rival but he doesn't know about that. He's always freindly to me and never makes any disparaging remarks about my lack of achievement. Most of my family accept me for what I am, except for my wealthy aunt who blames me being on welfair for her high tax rate and my father? He's not as pushy as he used to be. He still drops hints from time to time that he wants me to study electrical engineering. But having been raised by a single mother I only saw him occasionally. If my parents hadn't separated and I had him pushing me all the time, maybe things would've turned out differently. Maybe he would've guilted me into studying harder and I'd now be an electrical engineer or maybe I would've ignored his pushing and be in the same position I'm in now or maybe I would've overreacted to his pushiness and studied even less hard and then I wouldn't even have completed school.

I have the same problem with being a messy eater. I often end up being lectured in social skills by people who are less intelligent than me when it comes to book smarts.

I don't know how old you are OP but if you're in your mid twenties you could be undergoing the quarter life crisis. This is very common nowadays, even among NTs. If it seems like other people are doing better than you, this could partly be explained by confirmation bias. Out of all the people you know are they all doing better than you or are you selectively focusing on the ones who are? Also people tend to display only the best aspects of their lives, if they have any problems or doubts, they may not tell you about them. Especially don't envy your Facebook friends, Facebook always makes people's lives look better than they actually are.

If you want to appere more capabable, both to yourself and others, instead of worrying about what you can't do, think of what you can do and do that. Rent a house, buy a second hard car, get your licence if you don't have it already. Just try to improve yourself, even a little bit and you'll feel better. It worked wonders for me. I lost 43 kilograms and now everyone comments on that instead of my lack of achievement. I still have problems in my life but at least now I have one problem less.