Family Feud (not the game)

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So, a couple of weeks ago, my grandmother called my house while I was melting down and I answered not to be rude and I lost it on her when she insulted my mother who I love. Then I eventually hung up and I have not been talking to her.

Then, I texted my uncle and he berated me for treating my grandmother that way because she just had a loss in the family and he said that my meltdown and the fact that she insulted my family was not an excuse for me to upset her (wtf?)

I am now not talking to either of them and I deleted both of them off of my phone and Facebook (friends and my texts) and I unfollowed my uncle on Twitter.

Only problem is that I have had a family feud before in which another uncle broke into my mom's house that he sold his part of because he wouldn't pay for it and they still don't talk much except when their father died.

I really don't want to apologize for having a bad day to my grandma when she is never going to apologize for being inconsiderate and insulting my mother when my mother had absolutely no part in the convo/fight.

Any thoughts?

I used to behave this way often. I can still behave this way if I am really tired. The result for me was that I went from having a supportive family, dozens of friends and hundreds of acquaintances ... to having distant family members and just three friends who can sometimes ignore me for weeks. My family avoids certain topics with me, and my former friends are out of touch in every way. I am now trying my best to "recultivate" my family and friends.

If you really want to be alone in your life, stand up for your opinions every single time. If you want supportive family and friends, yield a little even when they do things that are wrong or even hostile to you. Swallow hard and try to balance your actions and opinions with theirs.

I learned the hard way.

This might not work, but you can try pretending that nothing happened and nothing's wrong. That way you avoid needing to apologize and maybe things can get back to somewher near normal

I would suggest thinking carefully whether its worth all the bother that a family feud starts, sometimes apologising just to keep the peace is something that's easier. My mum had a family feud that went on for 20 years, then the family member died and everyone regretted the feud and felt guilty.

is not apologising really worth it?

just make sure you think that before you make a decision to apologise or not, I don't know your whole situation and you might feel that its one to many times that this has happened in which case you might be happier not talking to them anyway

It all depends on your objectives. If you want relationships with them you have to apologize and continue contact. If you don?t want relationships with them then who cares.

The point of apologizing would be solely for your response. As it stands she hurt you, you hurt her probably felt good but kinda bad in terms of sustaining a relationship. So you?d have to apologize and go for a different response more conducive to a relationship. Ideally the response when a person hurts you is to calmly tell them and ask them to treat you better and then walk away if they refuse. If she's old it may be impossible for her to understand due to mental degradation then you'd have to decide if the relationship is even beneficial for you.

The best thing to do with family feuds is stay the hell out of them. There's no point-- by and large, people aren't going to change the way they behave.

Now-- you can apologize to Grandma WITHOUT saying that what she did was right.

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, Grandma. I was already having a bad day, and I guess I kind of lost it." It happens to EVERYONE. Regardless of what letters do or do not apply to you.

You can (and maybe should) leave it there. But, if she presses the conversation forward, you can add something like, "It really upsets me to hear you badmouth Mom. She's only human too, just like the rest of us, and she's doing the best she can."

Two or three times a year, I end up going off on my grandmother, usually for rubbing the past in my face. She likes to repeat every nasty thing my father-in-law and my stepmom's narcissistic psychobitch of a sister ever said about me (and she knows full well that those people were two of the main contributors to me attempting suicide and ending up in the hospital, and that there's nothing that can or should be done about them as FIL is now dead and I have absolutely nothing to do with my stepmom's sister).

One caveat: If grandma is suffering from dementia, just apologize and give her a hug and let it go at that. Because, basically, she can't help it (and trust me it's going to get worse). If grandma is suffering from dementia, you just have to swallow it, grow a thicker skin, or both. Find another friend or family member (not you mom, who believe me doesn't need to hear a tape recording of grandma's fault-finding sessions) to talk to about how you feel about the behavior.