Every day is a weariness

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I cannot contemplate suicide, because it would mean one of two things:

1.) I would choose a seriously lethal method, thus bringing about the end. I am not prepared for the end and what may follow it.
2.) I would be housed with the men in a mental hospital.

Thus, suicide is driven from my mind, and I simply continue day by day, but I do not live. I am already dead. My special interests, what have always defined me, are now an albatross around my neck, a burden I am pushed to follow but can no longer hold. My mind has become a toxic tangle, a web which disrupts the organization of my thoughts to pursue my interests, but I am compelled as I am ever to pursue those interests. My mind has become like this:



The world is a cruel joke and there is no saving hope.

You're so obviously in a bad place at the moment. Project in your mind where you want to be in one year's time, 5 year's time and 10 year's time (positive thoughts only). What do you need to do to get there? No thoughts of suicide. One step at a time, each step driving you where you want to go. Now for the present you sound like you need help to get you through the day. Do you have family and friends to offer support? If not, ring the local lifeline service in your area and talk to someone who can help. Meditation or your favourite music playing could relax your thoughts and settle you down.

You can get better. I wanted to kill myself a year ago, and was heavily medicated. Now,I am doing mostly better. Things aren't perfect, but they are looking up. One thing that helps me, oddly, is watching dark comedies. Laughing at death and suffering makes it less scary.

Wow, a picture paints a thousand words. That image you posted is something I can relate to. I've been there and it is horrible. It's so difficult when you are down in that place to imagine a way out. I understand.

My first recommendation is to go and see your doctor about how you are feeling. I know that it is embarassing and I did not enjoy telling my doctor about how I was feeling, but he was really nice about it. You may be offered a talking therapy. It feels silly when you are doing it, but I find it does actually help to talk to someone impartial about feelings of despair.

Second I would recommend spending time with other people. I know that is difficult to do, an almost impossible task when you are depressed, but I avoided my family when I was at my worst and I realise now that being with them might have helped me. Maybe organise to go somewhere with them for an afternoon out. A walk round a park, a museum or what ever your family or friends like to do.

I have to force myself to leave the house. I find it very stressful. I hate meeting up with friends, but when I do make the effort, although it tires me out, I come home in a better frame of mind. I've decided not to wait for people to invite me out. I make the arrangement and no matter how bad I feel that day I force myself to go for the sake of feeling like I am doing something different today rather than just the same old same old monotony. I think it helps my mind if I have plans to write down on my calendar. It doesn't have to be anything fancy, just a trip to a coffee shop for a piece of cake as long as it gets you out of the house.

I enjoy this woman's blog: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html She draws in paint, but the expressions on her characters faces is just fab. You are not alone.

Hello Beneficii. I also relate to your picture, and this sentence:

I am restless again and just plain feel bad.

I just took some Benadryl to try to calm me down.