Feeling out of place with both AS and NT people

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In short, this is a (not short) pensive "wheh, will I ever find the right place/people" post.

I was diagnosed with AS a few months ago, although I had always suspected I'd had it, and the person who stated my diagnosis to me suggested that I should join this site, because I'd probably feel like I "finally fit in". To be honest, 98% of the things I see on here I can only relate to secondarily, and whenever I do relate, it's almost always to very logical men ages 26-55.
I think it's because I have quite a few differences to many of the people present here, such as the fact that I have high levels of empathy, yet I know when and how to control them so as to not become overwhelmed. I'm extremely logical and rationally minded (and never partake in strong emotional outbursts or displays), yet my enthusiastic, kindly, and occasionally "silly" outward persona appears to not portray this to many people. I don't feel like my life is truly hindered by my state, and honestly, I feel like I have far more "life potential" than many of my peers (NT or not) because of it and also just how motivated I am. I'm worried I might not be able to achieve things, but I'll never settle for less, and although I can feel almost paralyzed by how hypersensitive I am in a large and bright city, I'd never hide from it. I tend to push myself towards doing things I know upset me, for when I accomplish these things numerous times I know that I've progressed and can therefore move forward and be relatively unhindered by these qualms. I'm not depressed, I don't feel betrayed or abandoned by humanity, I'm not upset over sometimes "having to fit in" (and I actually find the acting process involved quite fun and exciting at times), etc.
My AS doesn't express itself in wildly socially "inappropriate" ways, and people usually really like me and find me enjoyable and humorous to be around. This is merely based on empirical evidence, because I don't always expect people to like me, but they typically find me tolerable if not somewhat strange and exuberant. I have an excellent ability to read people, for the most part, and my ability to mimic and understand appropriate body language allows me to fit in relatively well to most circumstances, even if I'm feeling like fainting from stress at the time.
However, I do admit that I have relatively non-existent abilities to connect with people on more than a skin-deep level, and whenever I do try, it tends to be too deep or swift and I just end up too stressed by the experience and inevitably have to put it away as unnecessary and harmful to all involved. I therefore don't have any friends asides from maybe one or two light acquaintances I occasionally joke around with. I have quite a few deep-set problems to work on, I've noted. I also rarely find people interesting or worthwhile enough to pursue as friends. I'm upset over how "picky" I am, but it seems to be a better option than just accepting deeper friendships from people who like me, solely based on the fact that they like me. I feel as though relations should be reciprocated and healthy, otherwise one is leading the other on and it inevitably becomes a toxic relation.

I've also noticed that... I just don't react as strongly (outwardly, at least) to my stressors as many people I've seen on here do. I was taught to conform to other peoples needs and desires, and although this has hurt and hindered me in many ways, I've learned to state my needs in such a way as to be sociably acceptable, even if it's a very strange request. I know that some AS people just /explode/ or have meltdowns and end up screaming, yelling (unmeant??) abuse, or even hitting their "loved ones", but I just can't fathom this, and it quite honestly makes me very wary. This also makes me feel somewhat bad, though, since it's obvious that this is how other people can feel about them, and it's what can give them such a hard and lonely time in life. I've also experienced some of this, though, with a short-lived and uncomfortable relation with a 27 year old AS guy. He had an (over)abundance of friends, and yet I couldn't see how he could keep them, as he was quick to criticize, harsh in many matters, condescending and quite often cruel. I'd say one wrong thing, try to explain so he wouldn't become irate, but then my explanations wouldn't be perfectly (seriously, everything had to be 100% textbook correct) worded in conformance to Neuro-Psychological standards and format and he would let loose a tirade of complete and hurtful bulls**t. He was however, very sexually enlightened and also intelligent. I suppose many people would conform to his ways for things like this, but I don't follow this mindset.
I was surprised at first that our personalities were so completely incompatible (maybe he was nicer with other people and we just mutually pissed each other off), and I hoped for our interactions to be an anomaly within the AS world. Turns out that these types of problems are so common as to be expected.
I certainly have my own blaring issues, but they are of a completely different mindset, it appears, for I certainly would never ask or even expect people to become completely different or stilted just to appease me. It seems absolutely selfish and unwarranted, and there are almost always ways around such difficulties and qualms. Armistice can indeed be reached.

I just... hmm. I wonder if I'll ever find a place or people I feel like I "fit in" with. I know that much of this process depends on me shaping who I am as a capable and independent individual, and so I have therefore joined a young adults AS socialization skills group (since many things still don't make sense to me and I just fake them when I desperately want to know why) and also signed up for sessions with a very applicable and lovely "transitions to adult life" counselor. I find it nearly impossible to describe or explain myself to others, so I continue to work on these necessary attributes, since it has caused a great deal of my problems in the past.

Many of the only times I truly feel accepted and at peace with the world I live in are when I'm studying things through a microscope, doing anything science or hard-maths related, driving for hours on end at night, or debating a fascinating science subject with fellow "intellectuals" or my professors.
I hope that when I transfer to a more intensive University and enter into high-level science courses, I'll find more people I mutually enjoy. I think that many of my problems are because I keep looking for people in the wrong areas, like on online dating sites because I'm unwilling to get out more often into the socializing world we live in. I'll probably do better in regards to everything (except my stress levels, in the beginning) once I force myself to join groups at a good school and actually GASP network. Ohhh networking.

I hope that other people who once felt completely on their own found "their place(s)" and people in life. I'd love it if anyone could tell me they have, because I don't want to continue hoping or trying for an irrational thing. If they haven't, I guess I'll just do a Tesla and get myself a nice pigeon when I'm older! An entire room of birds could be a suitable replacement for meaningful "Personable Understandings Between Persons", I suppose.
Apologies for the length of this post, but it's kind of been festering about in my mind for the past few years, and I find it very difficult to put into spoken words. I've been formulating how to state things of this matter for weeks, now, and it's been cluttering my mind into paradoxical stagnation. Even if it's not read (and I don't blame you), I just really felt the need to state it. However, If you did read this all the way through, here's a bird video for your troubles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOadqDBgN_M

Last edited by BioBird on 11 Aug 2014, 11:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I have a hypothesis that many people with an autistic spectrum disorder (or any other neurological or psychological state that is conducive to social awkwardness, for that matter) seldom, if ever, really feel as though they are "in place" with others. People often speak of those who relate well to each other being on the same "frequency," but it seems that many of us neurodiverse individuals vibrate on such a specific, unusual "frequency" that we always feel that dissonance between our "frequency" and the "frequencies" of others, even when those "frequencies" are close to but not quite the same as ours.

Also, Asperger's seems to present itself differently in women than it does in men (although some females report having a typically 'male' presentation of Asperger's--the stereotypical presentation that most people are familiar with--and some males report having a typically 'female' presentation of Asperger's). Females with Aspeger's can often be hyper-empathetic, can be "social chameleons," able to reflect off of the personalities and mannerisms of those around them as a sort of camouflage, and often appear less stereotypically Aspergian as do Aspie males (see this link and this link).

I am not sure how the mechanism works behind every meltdown, but, for me, it is as though my physical body no longer responds to my logical processing. My body becomes so overwhelmed with adrenaline, stress, fear, and whatever other chemicals stem from this that it does whatever it has to--scream, biting myself, scratching myself, hitting myself, biting my hands, crying, occasionally snapping pencils, if one is in my hand--in order to assuage a sensation that it gets that it is about to combust (if I understand correctly, these acts of anger release some sort of hormone that takes the edge off of the stress that I am under). Logically, I am telling myself that X is not as bad as I feel it is and that getting upset will do nothing to solve the problem, and I can intellectually comprehend this, but I no longer have control over what I am doing. As far as I can remember, I've never been violent to another person during a meltdown, but I can imagine that the process is somewhat similar (in fact, I've read some comments from such individuals indicating that they actually "black out" and are unable to remember such events).

I cannot promise that you will ever truly feel 'at place,' but it may well be that you will meet a few people whose frequencies are close enough to yours that you can feel the harmony over the dissonance. Best of luck and success to you on this quest.


Also, the video of the Snowy Owl was absolutely delightful. Thank you for sharing this.

Those links are awful and purely speculative. It's not science at all.

And to the OP's subject, yeah it seems like a very common experience to feel out of place. There's nothing unique in that experience, it appears to be universal.

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WerewolfPoet: Your comments were extremely illuminating, especially the explanations over the "meltdowns" or over-stimulations. I didn't know that they could be so internally violent to the point where people lose complete control over themselves, though I had the feeling that could be the case.
I hope I didn't come off as "holier than thou" in the OP because it certainly wasn't my intent, and to be honest I typically am in awe of many of the people on here for how strong and intelligent they are--especially those who are considered "low functioning" (not saying you are, just that I truly think they're fantastic and inspirational individuals). All of the talks over extreme emotive responses and interactions tend to put me off guard, though, so I should definitely work on finding a way to give them the complete understanding they so thoroughly deserve. It's just that those sorts of things are absolutely terrifying for me to even read, since my mother is Bipolar and when I was a small child, she would often "lash out" explosively for hours. For someone as sensitive as I am, I took everything to heart, and it really left lasting marks, both positive and negative. She and I are on very good terms now, but I suppose those stories just took me back so to speak.

I've heard talk of such "frequencies" before, and although I don't follow that particular wording of the experience or ideology, I do know what you're talking about and think that your hypothesis could hold some definite value.

Acedia: It saddens me to think that so many people feel permanently out of place, though. Also, it surprises me that so many people, AS or not, chose to remain in boring or loveless (or abusive!) relations just to avoid the fear of being left completely alone. For those who remain alone, though, maybe they truly feel happy that way. Perhaps the science thing is something I should continue pursuing as a "substitute", for although I've never longed for a "soul mate", I do definitely desire for deeper relations (romantic in nature or not) with people I feel are applicable. I've heard of people in history with AS-traits finding very close and lifelong friends, so I'd like to hope that I can one day achieve such a thing. It'll definitely be hard for me to find individuals who work with me since I am so different, AS or not, and the fact that I'm fond of ethical non-monogamy (monogamy makes me malfunction) definitely adds to the difficulty level regarding "romance" or whatever it is.
I've always appreciated and needed a good challenge in my life, though, so paradoxically I am heartened by both your and WerewolfPoet's words! Perhaps one can usurp the perpetual singularity of life and AS, or perhaps such things are unobtainable. Either way, I've kind of really grown to appreciate and desire much of my solitude, though I really should try to spice it up with some long-term socializing. Maybe I should try to accept and nurture both sides of myself, sociable and "antisocial". Difficult, but possible?

And since the bird video was so appreciated, here is another for all the kind and intelligently stated words: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hA9uD-UPYzg

M'kay, so here goes:

First, I guess my NT-ness shows by the amount of posts I have on this site. I've been on WP since 2008 and have not much to show for it. Most of my friends are NT's, I find other Aspies too awkward, etc. While I do have many stereotypical Aspie interests (trains, transportation in general, computers) I also have NT interests as well (history, politics, the outdoors). And I'm not a STEM person but a humanities and social sciences person. Okay, enough with the stereotypes because no two Aspies are alike. But in general I'm a social person. By the end of high school I was class secretary and invited to parties up the wazoo. And I'm not a huge Aspie pride person. I could compare my Aspie pride to the way Nathan Lane is with his identity as a gay man: he's not flag-waving, but he has done some advocacy work, just like myself here in the autism community.

In general, I can camouflage myself among the NT's. If I was to date another Aspie she'd need to be much more high functioning than I am (and I'm not sure how possible that is). Heck, I've only dated NT's, albeit some outright weird ones. Couldn't date a normal NT. Just wouldn't work.

But then again, I have a VERY loud voice (my normal speaking voice is way too loud), I have obsessions, I'm awkward in public. Need I say more?

BioBird, so yes, I know almost exactly where you're coming from.

Northeastern292: In all honesty, that was somehow so comforting to hear--like, I wish I could explain how nice that was, but I think I'd just end up resorting to giving yet more bird videos. hahah
I feel very much the same way about many of the points you stated, although I have a paradoxical way of being sociable. I'm pretty out-going and confident when out in public in most situations; I'll socialize at length with anyone about anything and I'll often have random enjoyable conversations with my classmates, and yet I seriously have no close friends (if I don't count my mother). People are often surprised whenever they find out I'm not actually all that sociable, and the very few that do know of my AS typically don't believe me and go "are you sure? Was it officially diagnosed?". It's kind of annoying and rude tbh. It's like they think AS is only a certain mode of specified traits and personality. I mean, some traits are more common than others, but still. You're definitely "on point" when you say that no two AS people are the same. The spectrum lives up to it's name as such.
I also love the humanities and social sciences! I used to be a Cultural Anthropology major until I realized the high levels of intense long-term socializing and "friend building" I'd have to do. whew. And keeping up with the "same here's", I'm quite similar with the AS pride. Also, I'm basically the same with my "fluid" sexuality/bisexuality. It's not super important and I rarely talk about it, but I never hide it and honestly, I'm pretty obvious (I think my AS is obvious, too, but apparently it isn't?).

Normal anything just doesn't work. There's this question on OkCupid (OkStupid, amirite? haha) where it's all "Would you rather be normal or weird?" and people actually answer "Normal"! ! i truly cannot fathom this. Also, same feelings regarding the dating sphere.

You seem to have much to show for your time on here, though (upwards of 1,000 posts is quite impressive), and this post of yours only helps to reinforce that.