incredulous disbelief

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When LJ was 9 years old he started saving for a home [we were doing one of those support a kid in a third world programs. when he discovered that the little girl we were supporting had a dirt floor, no water or electricity, he decided to save money and someday buy a house then marry a poor girl so she wouldn't have a dirt floor] The plan has changed some over the years, but always saving for the house. He also received a small amount of backpay from social security recently. Last night I asked if he wanted to go look at homes in pueblo next weekend. He just looked at me and said "I'm not going to buy a house" [ it would be considered investment proprty by ssdi, not regular earnings.and he could rent it out until such a point that he is able to live in it ] I was floored.We had spoken at length about what a great investment it would be. I asked him what he would like to do with the money and he shrugged and said "Why should I get money for being too much of a loser to even work?"]

I do not know what to do. I am his payee. I can see him wanting to cash the money in and pass it out to the homeless or some sort of animal sanctuary. And, we did raise him to be giving, but, it seems that whatever decision he comes to, that it will greatly effect his future. I do not know what to do. Please, no mean remarks about evil mothers please.

I don't think you should push the topic of a house right now; I think he's just feeling down on himself and will come back around to the old plan.

I think what you need to address with him is: Why he thinks getting social security benefits means he's "a loser," and what being a lose even *means* when he says it like that.

Good luck!

I also think this is the most important thing, if you can just put things on pause and try to deal with bad feelings he's having about himself.

I'm not sure what you mean about evil mothers, there isn't anything I've ever seen evil about you Vicki. I think maybe this is not just negativity about himself, and perhaps it frightens your son because it speaks to a possible future without you.

I don't know what I would do. If I had friends or relatives I trusted to be his payee and to support him day to day I might try to begin including them to help if there's a transition he'll need to prepare for the possibility of. But I'm sure you're doing as much of that as is feasible. Beyond that, I just think this would be really hard on him, and that speaks to his positive connection to you and isn't necessarily something that can or should be completely avoided. I'm sorry if I'm saying too much, and can delete or edit if you like.

Keep the money in savings for now and try to work on things that can help him with his self esteem. A house can come later. He needs to learn to love himself right now. And you could never be an evil mother Vicki. The love and devotion you have for LJ is absolutely inspiring. I don't know a lot of people who would have the strength and courage to go through what you have gone through to love and protect and care for your child.

If a substantial amount of money is involved and you do not feel that he can be trusted with it, you can visit your local bank and ask them to tell you about what types of trust funds you can set up. You may have to visit a lawyer, but they can take a big part for themselves.

Before the government screwed up the economy so bad, a trust fund was a way to insure that vulnerable adults would have a steam of money that they could not mess up very easily.

However now, besides lawyers, banks also are out for themselves. They pay little interest and charge all sorts of new fees such as inactivity fees that can drain dormant accounts.

You could buy stocks in a blue chip company or utility and direct that the dividends be direct deposited in his account. He would inherit the stocks from you upon your death, but until then he would have a somewhat protected dividend income stream.

Hi Vicky,

Is he getting SSI, or SSDI?

I'm wondering if the "investment property" might, indeed, make him ineligible to receive either SSI or SSDI?

I'm not very knowledgeable in this aspect of things; you seem to have more knowledge in this sense.

Before I buy something like a house using the backpay, I would do some research as to its impact upon his receiving SSI or SSDI in the future.

Hi Vicky,
I'm relatively new, but I have seen some of what you've written about your son in the past. I don't know the story well, but here's some thoughts I hope are of some worth.

Feeling like a loser is something I go through regularly. The need for integrity makes some of us be too hard on ourselves. Some CBT may help, but the thing that usually brings me around is focusing on something I can achieve, even if it's only small. A couple of weekends ago, I hung a string of colorful solar lights above our outdoor spa. At night, it looks like fireworks frozen in mid fall. It was such a simple project but it gave me a real lift. A few years ago, I put a screensaver message on my computer - it was a scrolling message that said, "Life is good." Sometimes I hated that message, but it always reminded me of the good feeling that made me put it up in the first place.