Being unintentionally rude

Post Reply New Topic

Sorry for another topic. But I always noticed that people avoid me, I mean, those who already know me. I say "rude" because I don't greet people or say goodbye to them when I go somewhere. I often forget to ask "and you?" in phrases such as "I'm fine, and you?". I never know what to do when I see someone sad, I just go away. And just don't want to look rude to people anymore, but I don't like socializing too (error). My cousin told me that part of my family thinks I'm a little rude. But they don't know about AS. Sometimes I just want to explain this on Facebook something like "Hey, I have AS I'm sorry for being rude, and what's your excuse?". But I'm afraid people start juding me, just my grandma who created me knows about this. People already think I'm odd, I'm afraid they start treating me different. I feel like this is stuck on me, I have to get this off my chest. What should I do?

Do you know that you are doing those things when you do them? Maybe you can change one thing at a time, or maybe do something nice for someone. If you do something really nice for maybe one of your family members who needs help, maybe you will be perceived within the family as being a good person.

hi, i don't have aspergers but my bf does and to be honest sometimes i can be more rude than he can be. Being direct though is something that i appreciate and it's also something that I have had a hard time swallowing sometimes, too.

it is sad that people would think that you are being self-centered by not being aware of or not thinking of the next thing to say. It's not really your fault because you were born this way. Your brain is special and unique and because of this I am sure that you will find fun and unique ways to make the people in your life feel like they matter to you. Yes you might not do it as often as NT's but if people were honest with themselves how often do they ask how someone is doing and actually care? That's one of my pet peeves. At least I know that when I'm asked how I'm doing by someone with aspergers they actually care and want to know. There's no faux face.

I ask people how they're doing all the time....and I want to know how they're doing.

working in close proximity to others while in the employ of uncle sugar for 2+ decades, I had to learn against my instinct to step outside of myself and be nominally civil.

Are you me???

I find it strange and annoying that people think it's self-centered and rude for me to fail to respond to them the way they expect, because "the way they expect" seems to usually be really self-centered on their part.

I really don't understand the apparent assumption that the only reasons I could possibly have to not want to talk to someone at any given moment is that: I don't like that person, I'm mad at that person, or I only care about myself. What about: I'm in the middle of something and/or my mind is locked on a thought I don't want to lose, or I'm overwhelmed by all the background noise and trying to center myself, or I'm feeling drained from something that happened yesterday and is completely unrelated to the conversation at hand?

It's just mind-bogglingly self-centered for a person to assume that my lack of desire to talk must definitely have something to do with them. Do people who aren't on the spectrum really not understand that not everything I say and do is about them?

I do not want to be rude to people. BUT, like the OP, I also don't like socializing. It is much more exhausting than it is rewarding. I like to be nice and I like to be friendly, and I really, honestly, truly wish everyone on this planet could be happy, healthy and have a fulfilling life; however, I also don't like talking and it's much easier for me to understand what people mean in writing than in oral conversation. I want to be alone most of the time, with my mind free to think. I don't want to talk about my day. I'm always busy with something.

Why is it rude for me to want to be quiet and alone (at least in my own mind, if not in actual fact), but NOT rude for them to try to force me to talk? Does not compute!! They could go talk to anyone; I can only be alone by being alone!

+1
I wish there were more of those people around me.

It is self-centered to not be available when someone needs us.

Yes, we have needs to be not overwhelmed or to have quiet or to not have our thoughts interrupted. I get that.

But there are times when others need us to put our own needs aside. We ask that of others, we need to give it as well. Relationships are a two-way street. If we *always* seek to get what *we* need, then we are self-centered.

I have raised two children, currently teenagers. I cannot tell you how many times a child needs what is often difficult for an Aspie to give, like lots of attention. But, if you love your children, you give it to them and learn to put aside your own desires at the moment.

That's what love is - giving to another self-sacrificially without expectation of return.

If I'm at church and I see a new person that isn't talking to anyone, I will go say hi. This is against my nature, and makes me very uncomfortable. Why do I do it, then? Because that person's need to feel welcomed is more important than my need for personal comfort.

I often get involved in conversation when I'd rather be doing something else. Why don't I just walk away and ignore the person? Because it is more important for that person to feel valued than for me to get right to what I want to be doing. If I am seriously pressed for time, I will say I can only talk briefly and then excuse myself after a short time. A couple of minutes of giving of myself makes for a better relationship. That is the same reason I will say hello and smile.

If I am "lost in thought" and need to keep track of my own thoughts, I will still acknowledge another person's presence by a hand wave, smile, or nod - something that says "hi, but not now."

Often, I forget to say hello and smile, but the other person will initiate and I will return. If someone initiates a hello and a smile and I keep walking by, that would be rude. That is not an NT definition of rudeness - that is an objective devaluing of another person's attempt to reach out and make a connection.

Aspie traits easily come across as self-centered, even if inside we do not feel that way. We must be especially careful to not communicate to someone, "You are not worth my response."

There is a technique called "spin control" and "getting out in front of it" that is used by politicians to manage their image.

You are apparently "rude" not by choice but because your brain functions differently. It is unrealistic that anyone will be interested in the processing characteristics that produce a greater focus on one thing and the subsequent disregard of another or the amount of mental processing that is taken by seemingly insignificant things such that any response is so late in coming that it is often never given.

You can make an apology or explanation such as, "I'm sorry, I am so absentminded that I must appear rather clueless".

Similar declarations can provide a more acceptable reason for your behavior. As a result people may not reflexively assign mal-intent to your motives if they already have an acceptable explanation available.

By being proactive, you can sort of "salt the mine" in regards to attitudes so that people can see you as a sort of well meaning ditz rather than an cold hearted robot.

I don't think this is a correct or objective assessment.

Any initiation of something that requires a response, where the incorrect response or lack of correct response calls for any type of punishment, is an aggressive act of force.

Also, "devaluing" is a completely conceptual thing, and exists only in the imagination.

That you accept all of the above as an objective view of reality suggests to me that you either have these NT traits, or you have been conditioned to completely buy into these ideas and accepted them as your primary reality, perhaps out of practicality.

I believe it's a matter of personal respect. Individuals should be acknowledged by others; otherwise, we die as a species.

Whether it's "imaginary" according to some theoretical construct is irrelevant.

It's for real. It's real life--not theory. It's about human relations and respecting the other person.

The instinct to please another other than one's self is hardly ever totally absent, even within severely autistic people.

+1

People acknowledging you, especially NTs I have noticed often have some ulterior motives.

From my perspective, what you are referring to here is the "construct".

Outside of that construct in reality, each individual is a living being.

Please think more about how you are using the word "respect" so you can explain it in more detail please. Do you mean simply respecting another person as another living, or is there something more conceptual attached to that word?
Perhaps some extra expectations of acknowledging a place in hierarchy or an assumed obligation for one to submit to the other in some way?
Is it an assumed conditional where in order for you to expect others to acknowledge your place in hierarchy or authority, you must outwardly show a signal to them as well?

The military uses a process similar to what you're talking about called the salute.

These kinds of constructs go much further than simply acknowledging the other person as another living being, so please explain further what you mean.

I mean simple respect....as a fellow human.

I mean making the social interaction as pleasant as possible for the person. This includes disagreeing in an amiable manner, instead of cursing out, or otherwise attacking, a person whom you disagree with.

Yes: it's a cliché---and I don't give a rat's butt that it's a cliché:

You attract more adherents to your cause with honey than with vinegar.

I believe pleasantness has a way of dissolving hierarchical notions as well. Hierarchy is based, in no small part, upon unpleasantness.

I think that they are not thinking about whether or not your motivations are about them, they are thinking about the expected behavior, which is based on prioritizing social stuff. The expected behavior requires you to acknowledge and engage them, regardless of your reason for doing otherwise. Since they expect you to prioritize the social elements, it probably doesn't even occur to them that you might prioritize your own personal reasons to avoid the interaction, so they default to "this person must not like me."

Not all self centered behavior is understood as self centered by the self centered person.

I used to assume without conscious thought that if someone said something to me in an angry voice, it meant they must be angry at me or at what I said. That is self centered thinking, even though I didn't realize it.