Had An Epiphany Today

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I had an epiphany today about how truly "disabled" I am. That's a weird feeling for someone of 43. I've always tried to exceed the expectations of others and even outperform other people. I've always denied my vulnerabilities. But it wasn't about having a pity-party for myself. It just felt like an objective observation and, if anything, I think it will make me more kind and forgiving of myself.

Has anyone else had such an epiphany?

I may say a little bit more later, but I truly have to get to bed.

P.S. please don't anyone be offended by my use of the word "disability". I have other things going on besides my (presumed) Asperger's. Bipolar, Anxiety, Panic, maybe ADD and OCD as well.

Yes, that happens to me a lot actually.

I have a very clear memory of myself around 12 years old saying of an an "idiot savant" character on a TV show, "How can he not know he's disabled?" and my dad responding, "Oh... sometimes those of us with the worst disabilities are the least able to see them." I scoffed at that, and my dad responded with, "Well, you might think that now, but just wait until you grow up!"

I wasn't aware of any labels I'd been given in earlier childhood at that point, and I had no awareness of how strange my own life and behaviors were. I always did really well on standardized tests and I never had any trouble making friends (because I never tried to), so I just had no reason to think there was anything off.

Just within this last year, I've come to understand what this exchange was all about and how unaware I was of... well... of almost everything, actually! So, yup... I might be younger than you, but I feel ya! It was a hard epiphany to have.

I've kind of been going through that epiphany for the last year. It made me pretty depressed for a while to finally realize that I am not the perfect person that everyone around me seems to think I am. But I'm getting to a point where I'm okay with it know and I've learned to be a bit more understanding and forgiving of myself when I am having problems.

I used to think the rest of the world was crazy and not me, I didn't see the until my dx at age 42.

I had the same epiphany 7 years ago around this time and came to the realization that observations made about me by my parents and older relatives were true and that I shouldn't be trying to prove anything to anybody. It only took me 13 years to realize that. I've decided that even though such things are true, I should still be looking for gainful employment.

I realised very recently that I can't even present myself as NT as well as I thought I could. Over the last 3 months I've had 14 job interviews and 11 rejections. Even my last job which I did for 5 years I only got because the owner is a cheapskate and I was the only applicant who didn't want more than £6.50 per hour. I saw the emails where they were discussing this. Now I can't even get a minimum wage job and it must be the way I present myself since I'm not having problems getting to the interview stage. When I was younger, slimmer and prettier I didn't have problems getting jobs but now I have nothing going for me.

It happened a lot around the time of my diagnosis last year and still does on occasion. At that time thought I was om the high end but the diagnostic report came back, moderately severe Aspergers. Things like my cousin who rarely sees me telling my brother I has Aspergers 10 years ago. I am that obvious. So much for the masking skills I thought I had. Even people here who are obviously Autistic that have had well paying careers, steady marriage kids etc.

I've had 3 such epiphanies (related to self perception).

The first was discovering in my late 30's that I have a high IQ. I grew up thinking I must be below average (basically pretty dumb). I didn't believe the first test and it wasn't until 2 subsequent tests over a few years that I began to believe and also understand why I thought I was dumb.

The second epiphany was discovering that I'm an introvert and what all that means, especially how I relate to others. On Myers Briggs, my Introvert score is around 98%. Then reading the book 'Quiet' by Susan Cain completely overturned all the negativity I felt about it.

The third epiphany was when I did my first Aspie test (a few weeks ago). I went straight to my wife and said, "This is disturbing. This test says I'm probably an Aspie." She just laughed and said, "I could have told you that." Then doing the rdos test and the RAADS test pretty much convinced me. The revelation had me wide eyed with recognition.

I had mine when I got diagnosed in adulthood. "OH! So THAT'S what's wrong with me!"

Yes. Happened to me last year at 47.

47 years of being clueless.

But with understanding you do get to stop beating yourself up over your limitations. They are limitations. Now that you know, you can stop pretending that they will magically go away through willpower or something and work effectively around them.

It's not an epiphany for me, alas, that I'm an oddball; I've always known that, ever since I've had conscious memories.

I felt epiphanous, though, when Asperger's was first mentioned during the 1990s. I self-diagnosed immediately after hearing about the disorder--about 20 years ago. This is despite the fact that I had a severe speech delay (I didn't speak until I was 5)--and "no apparent delay in communicative speech" was one of the hallmarks of the Asperger's diagnosis within DSM IV (Of course, I read DSM IV upon hearing about Asperger's).

Thanks for all the replies. What you all said made a lot of sense. I wish I could say more but I am emotionally exhausted tonight. I saw the dark side of this epiphany yesterday, but I reached out last night and positive things are happening. I hope to start a new thread that will explain more over the next few days.

Yep, used to feel that way.. especially the more I learned about all the things I was afflicted by. Also, the more I learned the more I was able to forgive myself for various mistakes in life that were greatly influenced by my symptoms.

Most importantly, I used to feel that way. I feel much better now that I've figured out how to rid myself of symptoms & am a happier healthier more productive person for it. See the thread in my sig for details.

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