Why do some NTs think we want to be like them?

Post Reply New Topic

I'm new here, but not a newly "born" (diagnosed) aspie. I thought I'd managed to purge all those people from my life who made me feel ashamed of being me. That is until I met my soon-to-be ex boyfriend!

I've spent the past month trying to explain I have very real differences, both personality wise and also in my thinking in general. We keep having arguments because he keeps expecting me to say things in an NT fashion. For example, I'll say that I'm upset because our schedules are out of sync and we hardly see each other. In his mind, I'm saying he's a terrible bf. defensive argument ensues.

I've tried many times to have a conversation about Asperger's with him and he just side steps it, saying there's nothing "wrong" with me. The last straw was today, when he told me he didn't think any less of me because I was aspie! Gee.. Thanks.

I'm really angry, but I'll attempt to keep to the point. Why is it that NT people can be so infuriatingly blind about how insulting they can be? Why are they so convinced that all of us want to be normal? It seems like it doesn't occur to them that some of us have rejected that ridiculous ritual dance they go through life doing. Being neuro typical isn't some coveted prize that we all clamour for! Urgh.. It makes me so mad.

My bf actually believes he's complimenting me when he says that too. All he's doing is reminding me why I don't date!

They think that because the confusion can be just as profound on both ends. At the same time that the things they do and say seem very foreign and arbitrary to us, they are thinking the same towards you and me. It can also be hard to wrap your head around something being "just" different without adding a bunch of qualifiers and extensive assumptions to everything.

Hive-mind software resides in the subconscious brains of NTs and affects their conscious thought intuitively.
The hive software is powerful and has been around a very long time because of its nature of needing to spread to others. Anyone who doesn't host this software is a threat.

There are many characteristics of hive software.
One characteristic is that it operates using hierarchies. If you do not accept your place within hierarchies, then you are a problem or a threat.

From their perspective, they can't see that they've given over control to the hive-mind because it's intuitive. They would just describe it as them just being themselves.
Most people don't like the idea that they are being controlled by something larger than themselves. It's often easier to deny things we don't like.

ASDs are defined as abnormal conditions, disabilities. That is primarily how most people view them.

I have no insight into this but assuming what you've posted is elaborate and accurate, it really could not be derived that you were accusing him of being a terrible boyfriend.



This is difficult to navigate. It's quite common for autistic individuals to complain that they are made to feel 'less than human' by others, so I'd guess that his intentions were kind. Despite a common belief, NTs cannot actually 'read minds'; there is no possible way for him to have known that you think in exactly the way you do.. he guessed, and that guess just so happened to be incorrect.

I don't intend to interrogate, but why exactly is it that you want to discuss AS with him? Does he ever discuss what it means to be NT with you?



Realistically speaking, those with AS are more socially blind than NTs, but you're right that everybody is prone to such error. Have you told your boyfriend that you have no desire to change who you are? Perhaps your numerous efforts to discuss your differences with him cause him to think as he does - that you want to be normal, or helped in some way.

Like above I think it is because with everything there is a 'norm' and that is the way the majority think / do. So they can't get round how someone else is doing 'the norm'.

When I read your thread title my answer was going to be:

'Because we do try to be like them'. Many Aspies try to emulate an NT life to cope with a mainly NT world. I would suggest it is a minority of Aspies that storm around refusing to do anything that they thing is silly or strange or illogical. If we did we would all be out of work, have zero friends, have no lovelife, have virtually nothing apart from our own thoughts with no-one to speak to.

Agree with what lukecash12 is saying here.

You are an individual with your own outlook, etc. Others have other outlooks. I wouldn't say its strange that NTs would think that we would want to be like them. Not in its entirety perhaps but in the problems we face commonly. To not feel so anxious in social situations... to not be prone to anxiety and obsessive thoughts... so yes there are things I do wish I was more like them in. But I wouldn't want to give up my unusual mental concepts and thinking, the ability to super focus.

So there are positives and negatives. Wisdom comes in understanding both natures.

Seriously????! !! ! Loada crap.

Last edited by hurtloam on 15 Aug 2014, 2:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't understand why you are so upset by this. If you look online there are a lot of people out there who complain about partners with aspergers and attribute all of the problems in their relationship to aspergers. Your boyfriend is saying that he doesn't view things like that. He doesn't blame aspergers, but sees you as a person rather than just a label.

An elderly friend of mine who I have known for 22 years told me recently that there is no way I have Asperger's. Because she knows three different people who she thinks have Asperger's (they have never been diagnosed with it or claimed to have it) who are really nasty characters and I am nothing like any of them. My elderly friend just has some idea based on something she heard or read or saw that people with Asperger's are very objectionable. Since I am not, then I can't be.

I already have a preliminary diagnoses from a psychiatrist waiting for a more definitive diagnoses - But recently, I myself thought of anyone with Asperger's or any Autism Spectrum condition in completely stereotypical terms. A Short while ago I had that stereotype myself - Now I am on my way to officially being one.

Most people just don't know much about it. I was one of those people myself until very recently.

I think the reason it upsets me is that miscommunication and assumptions keep leading to big arguments. He likes to do things on a whim, with lots of people. Both of which I hate. Or I'll make a statement that he then attaches alternate meanings to. After the arguments, he simply states that people say things they don't mean when they're angry.

If I try to explain why I can't handle intense social situations day after day, or that I can't deal with last minute changes he gets huffy. I just wish he'd see that there's a real reason behind me needing days alone to recover from being overwhelmed.

I've spent my entire life trying to imitate, or please so called normal people. It's only in the last 5 years or so that I finally gave myself permission to be me. I just want to be accepted for who I am. I feel too old and tired to do the pretending thing anymore. It just makes me so tired.

Mask fatigue. I and many I am sure know it well. But you are not wrong in your desire to wish to be understood as well as be required to understand. I think it is not practical for ASD folks to try and maintain an artificial front for too long. You might be able to manage it at work for example, but then need lots of private recharge time at home... not more socializing.

I think you need a partner is who able to understand and meet you halfway... and that halfway point has to be a place both can be comfortable with in the long run. And the arrangement may not necessarily be an exact half way point so much as a way of letting you both meet your own needs for contentment. Something I learned to do was to let my partner (who is NT) develop her own friends and social circles and not complain or oppose it. This way she could have more of the socializing she likes (and needs) and I get my private quiet time. On the other hand I do try and do some social things with her on a regular though spaced out basis, generally planned in advance. And she puts up with going with me to the same places over and over that I enjoy.

You sound like you are on the ball as far as understanding the two natures. Your partner, not so much. But then again you have had to experience both worlds and he has not. Can an NT learn and adapt? Yes. Can your partner? I don't know. But I think he needs to know he has to, if he wants to remain with you, and that you are not going to suddenly change one day and not have Aspergers, etc.

A lot of people (mostly young people) with Asperger's seem to wish they were normal (normal presumably meaning NT.) I did when I was in my pre-teens, until I realised that the normalcy of NTs is boring ? at least it seems so to me. I then embraced being "not normal," so to speak.

I presume this is one of the reasons why NTs think we would want to be like them.

I don't want to seem too critical about NTs (after all, most of my family and friends are NTs), but I consider most of them to be socially akin to those motor-vehicle drivers who weave aimlessly from lane to lane without signaling, and ultimately lunge across three lanes of traffic to make a turn that they seemingly didn't realize they wanted to make at the last moment.

Life must seem like a party 24/7 to them. A little Aspieness would do them a world of good.

I know I've been super negative about my boyfriend. He's not a bad person, far from it. But I'm coming to the sad conclusion that he never will be able to accept me in the way I need.

Toy soldier, so many things you said resonated with me. Especially the part about him needing to know I'm not going to suddenly not have Asperger's one day. That actually came up during one of our early arguments where he proclaimed with much exasperation "You make it sound like you'll be like that forever!"

I know I have to walk away. It just hurts. My whole life my mother told me many, many reasons why people wouldn't accept me. I don't need that from a partner too. Before I met my current BF, I hadn't had a relationship in over a decade. Some of us are just meant to stay alone I suppose.

This is so like my life with my wife. So often I say 'listen to what I say' when she has made her own interpretation of what I meant by what I said rather than just taking the words for what they were. It's like I am speaking riddles and she is the queen of solving riddles. Nooo I told you what I meant, don't tell me I meants anything other than what I just said...please.

She also can't understand why I resist going off to her brother/sister/friends tomorrow and get the 'if it was your family you would expect me to go with you. Nooo I wouldn't if my family said come over here today or tomorrow it would have to be pretty important or they would get the same response. If my family/your family invite me to something in a couple of week's time then I will more than likely go. Aaargh. lol



So have I. I am 39 and like the quote below, I wanted to be like my mates. I wanted to be liked, to be cool, to go to gigs, to socialise, to enjoy myself, to have girlfriends. I never understood why spending time with people was boring as often as it was interesting. I never understood why my schoolwork went to pot between 11 and 14? There was no such thing as ADHD or aspergers. I was just a shy kid that people didn't like and was a class clown and troublemaker. Forget I was supposed to be straight A's.

I won't go on from there it is your thread. What I was trying to say is that where you say you don't want to do it anymore. That's fine but life is give and take. You don't have to put the act on all the time. You can give yourself breaks etc. but it is useful every now and again just to force yourself to go and face the music. Otherwise you end up being that lonely character that says 'I refuse to do this, I refuse to do that'. Whilst I laugh about being a virtual hermit (I go virtually nowhere) I think I joke about it because the reality that it might become true is a bit scary. If I didn't have kids I would only ever leave the house to get shopping at the moment!! ! HAving kids forces me to go out where other people are. People who might trap me into sharing small talk. lol. I think it is beneficial and seperates me from my 'comfort blanket' for a little while.



All kids want to be normal without knowing they are normal or not. They want to fit in. They want to enjoy things with others just as they want others to enjoy them. My 9 year old is desperate to be with other kids all the time and doesn't understand why it doesn't all work out. He doesn't understand normal or not. He just understands I want to do what all kids do. I want friends. He doesn't understand what we say when we say he has aspergers and is different.