PLEASE read, in serious need of help...

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I've been looking at these forums for a couple of years now and I never wanted to post, but now I'm posting because it honestly does look like nothing is going to change for me. Maybe someone can help me here....I'm going to try to make this as brief as possible because I know some people don't like to read a lot of paragraphs.

I'm at the point where I really just want to give up on everything and just stop trying to form new relationships with people. I know people probably say this a lot here, but I literally am so desperately alone. I don't have a single friend. I did have 2 in highschool but they both live in a different city now and even though I really did try to stay in touch, they didn't seem all that interested in staying in touch with me.

So, I moved to Detroit, MI about 3 years ago. And even though I'm very familiar with the city (all my family is here), I just can't seem to make connections with anyone.

Ok, I'm 25, female and I'm a musician, I play guitar. I go out fairly often (at least 3 or 4 time a month) to see what local bands are playing. Usually, I have to talk myself into going out every time because I struggle with Aspergers and it's just so hard for me I can't even begin to explain how hard it is. So, one day I thought to myself "Well maybe if I start trying to meet other musicians, then I can make friends that way."

Long story short, I still go out to these really cool local venues but I'm seriously considering stopping. I'm so tired of feeling like the odd one out. Surprisingly, I do talk to people there and I laugh with some of these people and some of them are good talkers and I'm good at listening and asking questions when the time is appropriate. But at these places, it's like I'm invisible.

I'm in tears right now as I write this because I try to communicate with some of the musicians and most times they appear to be nice people, but I'm always the one who doesn't *know* anybody else in the room. I know their names, I know what band they're in/ what bands they like, and I may have even spoke to them a few times, but I don't *know* them. It's almost like I'm a disease that nobody wants to touch or something.

Recently, what I end up doing is leaving. I can't take the isolation anymore.

I never try too hard because I feel like all I can do is be myself and try to be social and kind to people. If they don't like me, then there's nothing I can do about it I guess. But I am so lonely. I don't know why I don't have any friends.

I'm 25 f**king years old. How do I explain to people that I don't have any friends? I'm not even able to invite them places... How does someone go their whole life and NOT have at least ONE friend they can call outside of family? Will it be like this at 30? 35? I cannot stop the tears right now. All I can do is imagine a life where I'm included.

I don't have anything helpful to say, but I just wanted to say BIG virtual hugs your way.

If you are a musician you should try to start your own band. That way you will form a closer connection with a few other musicians. Perhaps you can post an ad saying you are a musician looking for other musicians to play with. Even if the band you form isn't that good you will still have fun together. You can go together with your bandmates to various concerts, or do other things together. If that does not work find other social activities that you like and maybe you can meet more people. I know it isn't really that same, but you can make online friends, like on this site even, so that at least you will have someone to talk to and give you advice when you need it.

Thanks Calstar2 and Wowiexist, I have been trying to start my band on and off for 4 years now (I know, that's pathetic). I've talked to a few other musicians about it. But I admit that I need to try harder and get it up an running somehow some way...

Most people don't really know anyone. When you go see a band, and people talk to you, and you talk to them, that's it. You leave thinking you don't know anyone, and you just met them. Stay. Just be there. The atmosphere becomes you. Remember names when you talk to them. Say hi when you see them again. I am horrible with names.

Most people don't really know anyone. When you go see a band, and people talk to you, and you talk to them, that's it. You leave thinking you don't know anyone, and you just met them. Stay. Just be there. The atmosphere becomes you. Remember names when you talk to them. Say hi when you see them again. I am horrible with names.

I think you're on the right track. I've met lots of people by pursuing my interests while not actively seeking 'friends'. (Unlike you, I have no desire for friendship) You could go to jam sessions, join groups, do volunteer work etc. Maybe a smaller group would work better. More personal. People will be attracted to you because you share their interests. It's up to you if you choose to take it any further or not.

Why aren't you able to invite them places? I noticed people at the groups I go to just raise their eyebrows and ask, "coffee, anyone?" There's always takers when someone does this. And you don't have to drink coffee.

I haven't had a friend since high school (I'm now mid-forties) I follow my own pursuits. I've made friends with my own mind, if that makes sense. I have lots of acquaintances. I find this form of relationship suits me better. Less pressure. I very rarely feel lonely.

This would be something that you need only answer to yourself (aka no need to post the reply here):

When you examine your needs and feelings... is what you seek 'friends' or rather a significant other?

I bring this up because I have zero friends and I truly have no need or urge to have any...but I do have strong 'need this' feelings about a significant other.

Hugs to you, you sound like you're in a figurative place I know I've been in before myself, many years ago. But, you're on the right track. You are pushing yourself to go out there and at least be in the places where like-minded people are. I did something similar years ago at a turning-point in my life, and at first, I had the same experience you are having -- the people I managed to chat with still didn't really embrace me and I still felt alone. I'm a female musician also, and had to find friends and create a life in a new setting. It was hellishly lonely at first.

But I kept going and it paid off in the end. With me, it started with bars or clubs or coffeehouses that held open mic nights for songwriters/musicians/bands. Ohhhhh it was lonely as HECK to begin with! I thought I'd be finding "my people" but I was laughed at, given the cold shoulder by one person, and never really connected with anyone. I almost gave up.

Things began to change. After a while -- and actually it didn't really take very long now that I think about it, something started to shift. Perhaps just the sheer frequency and persistence of my showing up around the same haunts as the others made them start to accept me, but that's what began to happen. I fell in with a different set of people than the first people who hadn't been very nice, and things took off for me. I actually began to make friends who liked me and accepted me and hung out with me. I even started to get to play my own gigs and my own little music thing got some momentum out of the open mic start.

All that would never have happened if I hadn't kept going and showing my face and becoming part of the "scene."

Keep on doing what you're doing even though it feels so lonely right now -- I was there too and it felt bleak. And then it started to be not-bleak but filling with good times and fun and friendships. I can't guarantee or make a promise to you that what happened to me will happen to you in exactly the same way, but I tell you my story because it was a similar setting for me as it is for you, and things worked out for me in the end, socially. So, there may be a chance that it might go the same way for you if you hang in there.

Hanging in there and persisting in becoming a familiar face will definitely gain you something in terms of some of these people who also go to the same places starting to see you as one of them, in one way or another. And all of those people will be different personalities, so if some seem distant and uninterested, don't worry, others will want to get to know you. It's not often that the first people you get acquainted with are "the ones" or the right fit as friends for you, but eventually it's a numbers game and someone and their friends too may become so one day.

Hang in there. The loneliness is horrendous, I know, but keep on. See if there are open mics, advertize for other musicians to jam with, or also when you next get talking to some of the folks at the places you go, ask if they would like to jam sometime.

Good luck and hang in there. Repetition and persistence and just "showing up" creates familiarity in other people's attitude to you, and from there, better things can grow.

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I am a musician too. I moved to a new town 10 years ago where I didn't know anybody, very scary. It was through the music that I eventually got to know people. To form a band you always need at least one member who is socially capable and enthusiastic - that is organise the rehearsals, get the gigs etc, and if you're anything like me it's not going to be you.

But my suggestion is this try the open mike nights on your own these nights seem to be a gathering spot for musicians where forming bands is often discussed. Another thought, and it may be way out line, have you ever tried playing bass. There is always an over supply of guitarists and an under supply of bassists in any music scene. Paul McCartney is probably the most famous guitarist that changed to bass. Bass is a fascinating instrument, it's range and versatility are very interesting. (Been playing Bass for 30 years, so I'm a little biased) But the main thing is to get involved with something and get up on the stage where you belong. You may change back to guitar later, and you will always be able to play guitar, to write and so on, and show other guitarists what you mean.

Isolation can be crushing when you don't want to be isolated. I was 23 before I made friends at all, for the first time, so please don't feel too bad about the trouble you're having. It's okay! Even now (at 25) I don't have that many people I talk to in-person. Just my girlfriend (Yes, I'm gay.) and three other friends who I still don't spend much time with. I've found the internet to be far more helpful than going places in person. Have you tried following fellow Autistics on Twitter or Tumblr ? That's where I started trying to make little movements toward friendships with people: responding with and idea or opinion to people's posts, reading their responses to me, sometimes moving to private-messaging...

I also started reading punk and feminist zines (many zinesters are musicians as well). Zine culture is very snail-mail oriented & most zinesters love getting letters. And the age group seems to be primarily ranging from 25-35. Zines are also really cheap ($1-$3 each) so it's not like you'll have to spend a lot of money to find some that you like. I even started writing my own, as a way to give back and share with others! So far, that's working out pretty well. I've met a few people through doing that.

I've, personally, had very little luck with things like Meetup(dot) com. Most people in interest / identity-oriented groups don't tend to be Autistic, though you may find some introverts who "get it" in books & art groups. I would stay away from any "Autistic" group that seems to be mainly allistic parents, though. That's a whole ball of ableist mess you probably won't find to be very healthy.

If you want to talk to me, personally, I'm BluRaspberryCat on twitter. Send me a direct message any time!

I'm the blind leading the blind here. But in a similar situation I suspect that a good way to get friends may be if you get together with a group of people regularly, in a practical situation (i. e. no need to chit-chat continuously), but which allows talking. Then after a while it becomes natural to talk not only about the practical thing.

Some such situations may be
- Work, which is interesting enough that people are not only there to get through it and make money. I suspect that un-interesting jobs are not good to make friends, but music is interesting. But it may be tough to get in a band or start one without connections.
- Hobby.

I don't know if your music venues are such a situation.
If yes, secondly you have to define what you actually want from a friendship or "knowing" each other, and try to take steps in that direction.

You ALL are godsends. You guys have some highly useful, practical advice. When I get to a computer, I'll be able to type a more thorough response, but until then THANK YOU & please don't anybody hesitate to add to this. Your experience/advice is invaluable to me!

Well proven fact: The more you are trying to find friendship/love....the more elusive it becomes.
How to make friends....how to win the lottery....doesn't work, I'm afraid

ikerio -- that can often be true. But the main thing is to keep putting yourself out there wherever it may start to happen. Because, it's even less likely if you shut yourself inside your home.

You may not make any friends when trying too hard to go everywhere people are, but you're definitely not going to when ceasing all contact and stopping all possibility....


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Birdinflight:
when you are trying hard to look for friends, people notice the intentions and immediately put them off, they wonder why you haven't got any friends already.
If you are out there parading with some friends I can guarantee that you'll make some more....straight away.


It's all to do with social skills really; either you have the "glue" or not, if you haven't got it you can search high and low for them.
So my advise is to safely stay at home and save the hassle.