the impact of ASD

Post Reply New Topic

Let me just say many people have things much harder than me and while I feel my life to be aimless it is comfortable in many ways.

Anyway here goes I am living with my parents who are in their 70s.

I have drifted away from my brother and sister.
I had an uncle and an aunt neither had kids and they were like a 2nd mother and father to me.
My aunt is dead 21 years and my uncle is dead 4 and a half years.

I am a 40 year old virgin and I have no social life.

On the up side I have a job that I am happy enough in.

I was bullied for years but this is over.

I just feel empty.

Now I know the only person who can help me is me what I am posting this thread for is to see if other people on the spectrum can relate to where I am in life right now?

The hardest part for me was that in my cultural background, it is expected that you become a doctor, nurse, lawyer or investment banker and look good while doing it. Even if you grew up poor like I did. A lot of people didn't meet the criteria, but for me I blame my condition rather than the economy. The super hard thing for me is being so afraid to pass down my autism and schizoaffective that I'm not raising the passel of perfect kids. And if I do have kids, the fear of them being taken away because I'm too severe.

The super hard thing is seeing NT people I grew up with join major firms and drive those Mercedes and have those white picket fence lifestyles, and look at them through Instagram. The perfect weddings. The jobs they could get, that you lost because you disclosed your autism. The pain of not being able to say where you went to school, to friends because you were in full seclusion sped. Not even having a fighting chance at nice colleges because you were full seclusion special ed. The size 2 dresses you can't wear because your medication causes weight gain, or the loss of spoons from fighting your way down to a size 00. Fear to even get a noselift or some Botox because of sensory issues.

The sensory issues that make you rip your bangs right off your head and cut off your acrylic nails with scissors. Ripping weave right out of your head. Not being able to be where you want to be, where you visualized your life to be. Because of something you can't even explain to people. When you're physically disabled you're seen as an inspiration, even bipolar is more understood, but when you have autism and schizoaffective and are a wall head banger it's seen as dangerous.

m8, I could have written large parts of your post.

It's depressing. I have an okay brain, but with the way it's been wired, it's all been for nought. Never had a relationship, never held down a long-term job, and so on.

Somehow I have a feeling that this thread isn't going to get too many replies. It's not quirky enough. It's a bit too real about life as an autistic person.

I agree with the last part. People will think one of the following when you say you have AS :

-You are mentally ret*d & a danger to society
-You are a pervert

No they don't.

People don't really care about your diagnosis, least of all if it's invisible and they can't detect any sign of disability or illness from the outside.

I think I may already be getting too crabby for this forum and I'm not even 10 posts in yet.

I relate sometimes to the feelings you have, especially the emptiness. I don't have any close relationships, anyone I can call a buddy. I don't date. I spend all of my free time alone. The thing that scares me is think that it will always be this way. I guess it doesn't have to be. I can make friends if I put forth a little effort. But honestly, I am not willing to put forth that much effort right now.

I can relate to the OP. I am an underachiever and feel empty. I did well academically but that was as far as I could go. I have an ability to magically put people off almost instantly. When you are hated by most people around you wherever you go, you won't get anywhere as it's so scary to even try. I have developed "peoplophobia" (fear of people, not hate) as a result of all the traumatic experiences throughout life. I feel like a big failure.

Luckily, I have no desperate desire to find a partner or have kids. I can honestly say I don't feel envious of people who have a partner and/or kids. I did try in the past and I know I'm better off on my own. The only annoying thing about that is that people project their dirty mentality to me and sometimes interpret my innocent well-intended behavior as unwanted sexual advances. A quirky single man is subject to pretty gross prejudice.

As I live in a foreign country, I don't live with my parents or anyone. If I lived in my country, I'd happily live with my parents. I wonder why some people think as if it were something to be ashamed of to live with their parents. I think it's really good. When my parents and sisters are gone (unless I end up going before them), I will be completely alone.

Well I feel my life is aimless, that is for sure....at least I currently have a bedroom that contains a comfortable mattress to sleep on.