Dealing with Death of NTs' Son & Being a Good Friend

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My best friends' son died of an overdose yesterday while away at school. Everyone is stunned. I'm going to go and be with the mother while the father goes to claim the body. Even though I have a hard time understanding our friendship and friendship in general, my friends have always accepted me as I am, and they are supportive of my difference to societal norms.

I want to be a good friend for them, but I know I have a tendency to intellectualize any and everything, which I think might not be the way NTs respond to devastating loss. My own response is that I felt a blow to my stomach and then really empty and also sad, but almost immediately, I started analyzing.

I know there is no "right" way to respond to devastating news, but I also don't want to make things worse by blurting or lecturing or... you know what I mean. Your experience and advice would be very helpful. Thanks.

I have learned sometimes the best response is to just be there, quiet. Even if it is uncomfortable for you, if it is comforting to the other person, give a hug or put your arms around their shoulders.

Saying nothing is better than saying something inappropriate. Just listen. Or just let someone be. Your presence, not your words, will bring comfort. If you can find a card that expresses your thoughts and feelings better, bring one over.

You can also try to notice things that need to be done that someone in grief will not notice (over time - not the first day.) You may be able to provide a meal or snacks, or help with laundry or cleaning. Don't ask, just do it (though you might need to say, "I'm going to clean (fill in the blank), where are your supplies?)

I don't know your specific situation in the social group, but sometimes families need a liaison with the group at large. A point person who can coordinate details so the family is not bombarded by too many people or too many meals, etc. at once. I cannot give any further details than this, not knowing the exact situation you and they are in.

If they have younger children and you have children, get them together to play or hang out. Or maybe you could take their kids out for an ice cream or something while the parents concentrate on funeral details or whatever else they have to do. You don't have to discuss the death with the kids, either. Let them talk about whatever they want to talk about.

Let the family take the lead in how much they want to talk, and about what.

Holding someone's hand is also a physical way of expressing support, if a hug is too intimate.

Sorry to hear about your friends' loss. Everyone grieves differently - some people just want to be still and quiet while processing what's happened, while others will want to talk and talk about the loss and the loved one. Sometimes these stage even come along to the same person but at different times.

I think the best support you can be right now is just to be there, be a caring presence, but don't say too much, especially if the grieving mother or father doesn't want to say much either. Right now might not be the best time to express your analysis of the situation. Even if later the parents want to figure out what made their son do this, and talk about it openly, right now the wound is very fresh and this kind of analytical thought may not be welcome.

Now is the time for very simple support; be there, make a beverage for them, see if there's anything else they need, offer to go to the store if they're out of anything, offer practical little favors, or just sit with your friend, be a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on, literally or figuratively.

If she wants to talk, keep your own responses down to gentle things like "I wish I knew...we can have theories but right now we're just coping with the shock..." Well that sounds a bit lame and bland, I know, but unless your friend actually invites you to give your theories or discuss the whole thing with her --- she might or might not do that -- don't volunteer a whole lot of analysis, as it may be more upsetting than just to hear "there there, I'm so sorry this happened" and similarly bland things. Sometimes there's a time for intellectual, analytical thinking and expressing those thoughts, and sometimes bland, soothing things are more appropriate.

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Thanks so much for your response, nerdygirl. Their son and my son grew up together and are our only children. (My son is out of the country right now and I won't be able to tell him til he gets back.)

Well, I don't think I will have to be the point person because the father is a super organized planner and always thinking about what needs to be taken care of. But I can see what you mean by someone who can tell others to back off. Blurting can come in handy if too many people start being a bother. Their neighborhood is unusally close knit, and gossip spreads fast.

The idea to just sit and be there is really good. I can give a hug but am not really good at long hugs or hand holding. I have held people while they cry but it always feels weird and can't help thinking about how long the hugging will last. I just realized I was able to do these things for my son when he was growing up without having these responses to touching. I think because I'd always thought I would never get married or have children, I took the role of being a parent really seriously and focused my attention on being a parent instead of jobs and other things. I felt like he hadn't asked to be born into whatever circumstances he was born into, and so it was my job to guide him the best I could.

I will follow your advice and try to just be a presence best I can. Thanks again.

You could tell them, honestly, that you want to help them but you don't know how to react--that you want them to feel better, but you're afraid of doing something that will make them feel worse.

Many times, an autistic person's best bet is to help in material ways. People who are grieving are operating under a state very much like major depression, with the loss of energy and motivation that comes with it. Sometimes, you can offer to help them clean the house, or cook for them--if they don't mind having you do those things (some people don't like other people doing those chores for them because they are particular about the way they're done). You could bring them food--this is traditional in many places. If you ask them what you can do to help them, remind them that you really do want to do something--you're not just saying it to be nice.

Sometimes when a person is socially clumsy, it helps just to admit to it, to ask the other person what your best move is. Just like in any social situation, words can be clearer and more exact, and it's no shame to resort to using them to ask explicitly how you can help someone.

If they say that they don't need any help, tell them you are there for them, and check in regularly.

Thanks, BirdInFlight. The use of words like bland really helps too. I'm taking it also as to let things be possibly superficial and shallow. This is something I will make an effort to be conscious of.

Thanks, Callista. This is also what I need to know. I've said such things to them in the past about far less serious issues, so this is also important to remember in this situation.

New question: My friends said they would call me to come over. I took this literally, but should I just go over?

If they don't call soon, I would give them some time and stop by when you can go along with some other friends. Calmly acknowledging the importance of everyone's presence takes patience with them but these scenarios call for one's determintion to bring many different people together. Try to think of others who can reconcile themselves between sharing recollections and simply projecting their own sense of peace. It's all about a balance among people accustomed to sharing strength and people who can help them. Tag along with anyone you know who visits though, outside perspectives like ours are more valuable than we realize during tough times; don't worry abour keeping the peace, be the peace.

Last edited by cberg on 30 Aug 2014, 12:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I just called the father and told him, Sorry, but I'm not sure if it's appropriate to just come over. He said it's a fair question and to come over when I was ready.

Thanks for all your help and support. You're all wonderful.

Just say if there is anything you need I will help and as said earlier just do a lot of listining. While more severe, the situation is not unlike what goes on here where people vent and are glad somebody is reading and sympathetic.

I'd agree with this. Saying that you can be 'their shoulder to cry on' means you're there for them, but minimizes the chances of you saying something that could be misinterpreted. Just make sure you listen and sympathize if they actually do vent to you.