Questions about Self Esteem

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So I randomly came across an excerpt from "Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs" by Maxine C. Aston, and for the most part I found it to be one of the most accurate descriptions of aspergers I've ever seen, mainly because she actually asks people with aspergers about stuff instead of just making presumptions. However, some of her explanations for why aspies do certain things seem to be biased by classical ideas of autism, like saying aspies merely don't have imagination, resulting in lack of theory of mind, which prevents them from being able to do certain things, when I can attest the reality, at least for me, is much more complicated. Anyway, reflecting on my own behavior and those she described of people lacking self-esteem and why they do as such lead me to a little epiphany. I'm not going to say what it is yet, because I don't want it to influence people's responses to questions I'm going to ask in order to possibly confirm it.


First? Do you lack self-esteem?

Second, if so, why do you lack self-esteem?

Third, have you do told anyone about how you feel about yourself?

Finally, if not, why haven't you told anyone?

1) yes
2) because I have no idea who or what my 'self' is
3) yes
4) n/a

1. Yes
2. Like the person above, I don't have a strong sense of self.
3. Nope
4. None of their damn business

1. Yes.

2. I feel depressed about my inability to function in normal society and ashamed of my mistakes. Those feelings stem from childhood when I was often rejected and made fun of for being different.

3. A few people. Close family members, psychologists. Not much came of it. My mother sweeps everything under the rug; she'll ask me if I'm doing okay but she doesn't really want to hear about my problems. My brother gets it; I think he struggles with some of the same issues. But we don't talk much. I'm hesitant to tell anyone else in person because I know they won't understand.

1. yes

2. pretty much the same as the guy before me. Mine's more along the lines of I know that I know how to function socially, yet I am too often held back by unreasonable worries and doubts generated from my past that most other people don't (I would think) normally have. And that no matter how many times I try to purge them, they keep on coming back. . .

3. Unfortunately I do this a lot. Generally I try to be careful about who I talk to, but often times I'll open up to random people, just to try to get some of the weight off. It seemingly works at first since some of the weight is taken off, but if I don't feel that the explanation is in line with what I actually experience, if it seems I'm over embellishing it, or if I'm worried it will be perceived that I'm using it to make people feel sorry for me, then worry just builds back just as strong as before. If, however, I say it to the right people, and what I say is actually constructive, then it ultimately feels like I'm a few steps closer to solving the problem. Often times this is not the case though. . .

...

Last edited by tall-p on 09 Sep 2014, 2:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

1. Yes
2. I think it due to constantly being put down and bullying when young, and older. But also the social awkwardness. It sometimes seems when I'm going well there's always someone there to bring you down. I look in the mirror and who do I see, buggered if I know!!
3. Only psychologists really, my wife, mum. People in general really don't care how your self esteem is.
4. See 3.

1. I've suffered from crippling self-esteem all my life. I have always hated my appearance and the issues it has caused me. I actually do kind of like some aspects of my personality but I am rather geeky and that (until recently at least) is looked down on and laughed at by a lot of people. I've never felt I had a place to "belong" so I've never been quite sure what to believe and even what tastes to have.

2. I'm not sure I am like this. My father ridiculed everything I liked and did and never gave me any encouragement in anything I did so it is tempting to think that this may be the cause. He's been gone for a long time though.

I'm finding now (and I was going to start a thread on this) that my self esteem is constantly battered by articles and comments I read in the media and especially online. I should avoid them but I'm drawn to them and then hurt. I just can't find the necessary belief in myself to deal with them in a mature and detatched fashion.

3. I've told a few people about this problem. Professionals have been able to offer little help - generally this boils down to either "you need to be more confident" and/or "fake it 'til you make it", neither of which as been a lot of help.

I've told a few friends too. Some have found that whole thing funny, some have given me the brush-off (they probably didn't know what to say to be fair). A few people have been genuinely supportive and I've found that these are people who have had mental health issues themselves.

4. I'd advise being cautious about who you tell about any mental health (or autism related) issues.

1. No.
2, 3, 4: Refer to 1.

1. yes
2. bullying, abuse, not being what society says I should be in terms of physical appearance, income, education and social status.
3. yes

1. Yes

2. Always afraid of not being good enough in the eyes of other people. This could likely stem from being made fun of all through growing up, but I don't know because I can't remember how I felt about myself at the age before this started. I remember being teased & picked on starting in preschool at age 3.

3. Growing up, I would talk to my parents a little, mostly about being teased. I talk to my husband a little. But, I don't necessarily talk about how I feel "all the way down to the core."

4. My husband understands. But my parents didn't. I'm too "successful" to have self-esteem issues, in their opinion. My mom always said how "confident" I was because I always tried this or that. That never made sense to me. How does trying things and being successful at doing things mean I don't have self-esteem issues? Basically, I learned that I couldn't tell anyone how I felt about myself because they wouldn't believe me and would say it is impossible.

So, now you all know.

An addendum: Self-esteem and self-confidence are two different things. I am generally quite self-confident. I know what I am capable of and like to do those things.

Last edited by nerdygirl on 09 Sep 2014, 6:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

1. No, until I learned of AS I was confident and had high self-esteem and accepted myself exactly the way I am. I have always had a very strong sense of self and have never doubted my self-worth. I have never given a hoot about anyone else's opinion, only my own. And that's why I lost my confidence: Discovering that I likely had AS and then having it confirmed has been detrimental for me, and it has been impossible to feel equally good about myself since. At times I have felt completely worthless.
But from nature's side I like myself, despite a lot of things that people would see as bad (like having some academical problems (maths and science), being short, round and unattractive, being eternally unemployed, I never felt bad about myself. For instance my math skills are so poor I flunked high school, but that only made me wish I had gotten through, it didn't make me feel bad about myself, only the situation of not making it.
Hopefully I might start feeling better again, and I feel better now than I have in a long time, but it will never be the same again.

2. N/A

3. Yeah, I have, especially online after I started feeling bad about it. IRL only with my mother.
When I felt good I didn't talk much about it if at all, but it was a mystery to me how easily some people seemed to feel bad about themselves. In a way it still is, as they didn't have something really wrong with them. I still think most of them were just fishing.

4. I don't talk about AS with anyone IRL (other than my mother) and I admit having it to none outside of psychiatry and employment bureau. . Talking about how it made me feel would be impossible without talking about AS. Not happening.

1) Yes
2) I have been to countless professionals and have spent a long time looking at this question lately. I believe it mainly has to do with not only being bullied but being mercilessly teased and rejected growing up by both peers and relatives.
3) I have opened up to my family and some coworkers. One even approached me and told me I was on the path to suicide if I didn't seek help. I listened.

I am uncomfortable with the concept. The idea that I would reduce an assessment of myself to one lump sum and then have it produce a feeling is alien to me.

When I was younger I played a little tennis. I even won a small work tournament even though I had no back hand. If I compared myself to all tennis players, I would probably be in the top 1/3 to 1/4.

I have no musical ability at all. I like to sing, but I have learned to only sing out loud in private or with family members who will tolerate it.

Should I think myself horrible because I am bad at singing or should I think well of myself because of a small tennis talent that has now faded into the past?

I think self esteem at all (high or low) to be unhealthy because it is a distortion of truth.

First? Do you lack self-esteem? Yes.

Second, if so, why do you lack self-esteem? I don't achieve much and can't use my intelligence in the world of people and society in general. Also, I have always been very much alone, which I like, but nevertheless probably affects how I judge myself. Finally, I do not consider myself physically attractive, and that bothers me.

Third, have you do told anyone about how you feel about yourself? Not in real life.

Finally, if not, why haven't you told anyone? It'd make it worse.
_________________
Edited to add: what nerdygirl said I agree with: in that I can be self-confident around people when necessary; although if required to do so for longer than a few minutes it exhausts me.

I've been told I have tend to have a low self-esteem or otherwise a low opinion about my self.


I dunno, I tend to think my thoughts are more realistic thus having a more realistic outlook on my self and life rather then what people think of me "Your a good person" "your well liked" "you'll get far because you have a good head on your shoulders" I feel that I don't need to hear positive motivational speeches from people because I know my self the best. and mu outlook on like is perhaps the most realistic outlook a person can have.


No, they tend to tell me how I feel about my self.


Because I don't care to share how I feel about my self