Ambivalence about Love

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Hi. Does anybody here have conflicting feelings about physical intimacy? I have AS and for me the most pronounced symptom is an aversion to physical contact. I've never been with anyone in my life in any way. (I'm a woman, BTW.)

Most of the time I don't think about this and I feel okay. But now and then I see a loving couple in the street, or at a party, or in the movies, and I get a searing pain in my heart. Sometimes I even cry. Then the moment passes and I just go back to my life as usual. When I consider trying to find someone of my own, the mere thought of physical intimacy makes my skin crawl with horror and disgust. I can't even bear the thought of a simple date, because I'm so afraid of men that I can't even look them in the eye. This may be not only because I was born autistic and therefore hypersensitive, but because my father abused me for over ten years (not sexually but emotionally and physically). I've been doing yoga and it has helped, but it hasn't cured this.

Apparently autism can co-exist with a need for love and closeness. Does anybody else here ever experience this kind of conflict? I doubt anything can be done about it, but I would like your input. Thanks.

Higgie

If you love someone and feel close to them, you trust such a person with your life. And when you trust someone that much, more then you trust anyone in the world, being close to that person physically as well as emotionally can be an amazing experience. It's not scary, gross or weird and there's no reason for it to make your skin crawl. It may seem like an alien concept to you, but that's because it's completely new to you.

Love does not always have to be physical. A deep friendship can be very special and meaningful already. And from such a deep friendship, a love may grow the way a small plant may grow into a tall tree if you water it enough.

It sounds to me like the abuse you suffered at the hands of your father is a bigger reason for what you are going through then your autism, as most autistic people have absolutely no issues whatsoever when it comes to being intimate with a partner; the main issue tends to be physical contact with strangers, or unexpected physical contact. Try to work on your fears, and think of how your past may have affected you and still affects you. You survived it, you are a survivor, and you are strong! Be proud of yourself and your body and learn to love and enjoy it, because it would be a shame if your trauma prevents you from experiencing one of life's most amazing experiences.

Good luck and all the best of wishes to you!

That struggle that you have has haunted me as well and it still does and like you it creates feelings of jealously and self blame for me since I have always wanted for the right woman ( i'm a man) to come into my life and so it is likely that this is not unique for us with AS.

I'm pretty sure that the love of your life will come as it has been said to me and I have hold out hope for that sort of thing and sometimes I think it is the inner conflict that seems to be present in those of us with AS and to think of it, I think we have that internal conflict and what I mean by that is that is that with AS we tend to be in our world that offers the most comfort, more or less but also there is the outside world of neurotypicals who demand so much out of you that it can be so overwhelmingly, not to mention the obligations we have to fulfill to society, whether man or woman and this can be where the conflict comes in.

Thank you for your very kind, thoughtful and understanding message. You've brought up some very important points that had not occurred to me. You make me so glad this website exists. I will take to heart what you have said and give it a lot of thought. Thanks again. -- Higgie

I am actually asexual because the idea of sex scares me. I think about it, and I just get so scared. I don't know why, but I just can't go through with it. D: I don't know if it's because of my autism though, or if it's anxiety or my developmental delays. ._.

Sex is a good thing, but at times, it is perverted.

I share a very close bond with my siblings. Whether they appreciate or not I don't know, but they do genuinely care for me.

I have had a girlfriend, but we broke up because we decided that our personalities clashed too much.

I think I would want a girlfriend, if I didn't have an aversion to physical touch. Anything beyond the point of holding hands (even that sometimes) makes me uncomfortable, especially when it comes to things like kissing or sex. It's not to the extent that you described, but I still would be very uncomfortable with those things.

I think it may be partly a result of my religious upbringing. I constantly heard from my parents and people at church about the dangers of being in a relationship at a young age, and while maybe the concerns they brought up were not totally false, I think they went way overboard with it. I've never been in a relationship, and any time I start to think a girl might want that from me, I start to feel very uncomfortable around them even if I don't dislike them, and it usually causes them to stop talking to me. I was hoping I'd grow out of that at some point, like when I was 16 or 17, but now I'm not so sure.

i thought this would be a problem for me, but since i have a girlfriend, i noticed tha tmy enhanced sense of touch made hugging and cuddling all the better.
also, deep pressure is known to relieve anxiety, so if the other person puts some force behind the hugs, it might be even better
if you truly trust someone to brush up to your sensitivities, the feeling can be almost extatic in the first few months, and as an added benefit, i'm now also more capable of accepting others touching me, i have been desentisised a bit.

i would recommend you bite the bullet and try to get intimate (with someone you trust), stay fully clothed at first.
if you have a good friend, explain your situation and try deeply hugging at first. also, should you find someome you trust, indeed just try the strong, deep hugs, if you dont like it after all (yet), tell them, they should accept that if they are indeed a match for you; if they dont, they weren't the right person after all.


i love deeply hugging my girlfriend, but light brushing touches still send electric shocks around my body (which feel great by the way).
this still doesn't mean that touching anyone else doesn't make my skin crawl (though i can pretend it didn't a bit better), this is just one (well, a few) person that doesn't

Great message. Thank you. You read my mind. Unexpected touching from strangers is horrible to me, but I do love deep, intense hugs, with clothes on. It feels great. I'm finding that a lot of AS people feel this way. I will certainly take your words to heart and give this a lot of thought.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't want, or that you don't envy, physical intimacy; . But it's easy to confuse envying other's situation (being a loving couple) with envying their apparent happiness in that situation (while the same situation may not necessarily make you happy.)

Thanks for this post, really informative. Interesting for me as I'm trying to understand someone, who probably isn't on the spectrum, but doesn't like physical contact and seems to be averse to the concept of love.

Higgie, I have been married for 8 years to a man who often can not bear to be touched. It's almost hilarious at times. "What do you MEAN you want a kiss? I already kissed you today!" "No, dear, that was yesterday." And then then he'll lean forward, touching me with nothing but his lips for about a millisecond! LOL He's not like that all the time, but I can judge where he is on his mood cycle by how he reacts to touch. We have 4 children and I'd certainly consider us happy. Happier than most of the couples I've known, at the very least.

Now, on the other hand - I'm an abuse survivor (childhood sexual, rape, emotional ...) I'm a little confused about how yoga would help you deal with that, but I have to tell you that nothing will "cure" it. You need to take that stuff from your past, accept it as part of you, and move on. (And I KNOW how hard that is.)

Yup, men can be scary. I don't know what you're like physically, but I'm all of 5' tall. Men are big and muscular and scary - and double that because I am most attracted to the ones that are ... big and muscular and kind of scary! I won't see male doctors, nor will I sit next to a strange man on a bus or anywhere like that. So I 100% understand that men are scary.

I'm not sure I have a lot of advice for you. But of course you want love and companionship. Neither abuse nor Aspergers will change that. It's also very possible there's a very special man out there for you.

I think my only conflict is with the culture I live in. I know I want intimacy. It's all the other stuff I don't want, like sex after knowing someone for two weeks, competing for attention, and being used by others as a source of free therapy.

In the past it's worked to find other people who are a little off the beaten path and didn't have some pre-ordained plan or an itch to scratch. Someone who can sympathize with your worries, enjoy the process, and stay open-minded.

Thank you for your very thoughtful, kind message. Want to hear something interesting? My father was kind of like your husband. He's the one I inherited my AS from, and although he was clearly intimate with my mother (or I wouldn't be here!), he had personal space issues. He insisted on separate beds all their married life. He hated crowded subways and if he was walking down the street and someone suddenly cut in front of him, he shuddered violently. He was obsessed with neatness but had no interest in anyone but my mother. He never cared about us kids (I have 2 brothers & 1 sister), which is probably why he abused us. He didn't care how we felt about it. He abused all of us until we were teenagers; after that he simply ignored us. My brothers & sister still have issues, too.

About the yoga -- trauma leaves residual tension in the body, and relaxation clears tension away. Thanks to yoga I've gotten to the point where I can tolerate physical exams (but only from a woman doctor). At least I can take care of my health.

I've been 5'10" tall since I was 17, but I also used to be terrified of big, powerful-looking men. My first big crush was Mikhail Baryshnikov, and the fact that he was only 5'6" and elfin-looking and cute made him seem non-threatening. Now I'm attracted to taller and well-built men, but only in the movies.

I think you're right -- the effects of abuse can't be eliminated, but conversely, abuse doesn't destroy our ability to love. If there is someone special for me out there, and if I somehow meet him, I may have to tell him my story. If he really is "the one," hopefully he'll understand and be patient with me.

Thank you again so very much.

Higgie