Confused
Hi. I feel a little confused about life and, and possibly the cause may be Asperger syndrome. I was wondering if any of you can understand how I?m feeling? I am a 16 year old girl, and have problems with others since I can remember (athough I feel that the situation has become worse since the begginnig of puberty). My parents have commented that I was ?a nightmare? as a baby, and wouldn?t sleep, drink milk, eat and kept screaming (to an excessive extent). In fact, my parents postponed having a child they had planned to have soon after me as a result. I spoke from an early age, but was known for biting others up until when I was 4. I remember having quite an active imagination, spending time imagining I was in a ?car shop? which I invented. I was, and still am, very clumsy. As for potential stimming, whilst waiting to perform in a christmas tableau aged 5, I rocked back and forwards so hard I ripped my angel dress. I can?t remember why I did it though. When I was in year 2, I remember that I preferred to play with my younger cousin, who was in reception, over my peers. Someone I know informed me several years ago that up until the age of about 8, I was ?trouble? and someone to be avoided. After that, I remember being considered weird ? described as an ?alien?, a ?human dictionary? and that some of the children in my class played a game called ?INSERT MY NAME HERE germs?. Oddly enough, I remember that whilst they do this I was walking around running my hand up and down the brick wall in the playground. Since the age of 5, I have been a bit obsesses with Harry Potter and have read the books more times than I can count. However, I no longer feel the need to read them all the time, just on occasion and when I am feeling any negative emotion. When I was a little older, about 10, I had more luck with friends and played with (and went to some of the birthday parties of) a group of girls in my class. However, I remember having little to say when they were talking and having rather different interests than them ?such as reading and the ancient Egyptians, as opposed to the latest playground drama. I also remember spending a lot of time crying in the toilet, but I can?t remember why. From the start of high school I felt increasingly isolated and found it difficult to remember my homework, school books, how to get to classrooms and people?s names ? there were just so many! People I knew made a lot of new friends, and I hung out with them but didn?t personally make friends, if you know what I mean. However, at the start of year 8 I just kind of stopped eating ? I guess it was an obsessive thing, but looking back it seems strange as I?m not really an appearance-oriented person. It all started after I felt really sick one day after eating and I was like ?I never want to feel like that again?. Eventually, my parents made me see a psychologist but I didn?t tell the whole truth about how I was feeling, as I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. I just said that I tended to get obsessed with things and promised to work on it, and lied if I felt she was probing too deep. These days, I feel like everyone has complex relationships with one another and I?m like something of an outsider. I am a deep thinker, but often feel confused about how I am feeling, (if that makes any sense). Academically, I am quite successful (10A* and 1A at GCSE ? the A was in Eng Lit, because I suck at poetry) but very disorganised and have poor handwriting. Having said that, I find that I often like to make lists and tables for fun, for example the other day I compiled a list of 60 of the greatest women in history, and then combined their names to form 20 three-part names for girls. Another time recently, my sister was watching a TV programme about a school, and I then I made timetables for all the year groups at this fictional school. People tell me that I shake or bounce my leg a lot ? I do this when feeling a strong emotion, or concentrating. People often tell me I?m crazy, or antisocial ? people often say I?ve been rude. As for eye contact, it doesn?t hurt, but feels intense, as if that person is invading my personal space. I have researched AS and AQ=40, Aspie Quiz=169, RADDS-R=189 and checked over 75% the points on Samantha Craft's Anyway, all in all, I feel different from other people, like I don?t understand their jokes or share their interests. I don't even notice body language. I was just wondering if anyone can understand how I?m feeling.
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LocksAndLiqueur
Snowy Owl

Joined: 29 May 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 160
Location: Yam hill County, Oregon
Wow. At certain points there, it seemed almost like I was reading my own biography (not that I have one). The biggest difference is that I'm an American. As a result, I was formally diagnosed at a very young age & put in special education (which has been just terrible by the way). I suppose another major difference is that when I stopped eating it was because they tried putting me on all kinds of psychotropic drugs that took away my appetite. I also get FAR worse grades because I skipped class every time I thought I could get away with it until they kicked me out of the normal high school and put me in the "alternative school" (the school for the people that they wanted to segregate from the general population because they were deemed undesirable). It's really hard to get assignments turned in on time if you never even got them. I ace pretty much any class I take provided I don't have issues with the other people in the class though.
For a short period before last year, I was allowed to take some normal classes. I remember wanting to be a part of the drama club & when I went to meet with them after school a girl asked me something to the effect of "Do you just sit at home and read the dictionary?" and I didn't know quite how to respond. As for stimming, I do it quite a bit, but nothing too out of the ordinary. I bounce my leg often, but I also pace, touch my lips and stroke my beard a lot.
I don't have any friends, but I have some acquaintances I'm on good terms with who let me sit with them at lunch. I'm turning 17 in October so I'll be out of high school fairly soon & I'm looking forward to it. You'd think that I'd have some childhood friends I could spend time with or something, but I've got no such luck. I never really felt like I understood the people around me and I'm quite certain I'm not understood by them. I don't know if I'd have made it through middle school without the internet. People can't always relate to the people around them, but with a few billion folks to choose from, even people like us can find somebody to talk to. Cory Doctorow wrote a pretty good book called Eastern Standard Tribe that touches on that quite a bit.
Anyway, welcome to wrongplanet.
I can certainly relate to the 'sitting with acquaintances' part - I always struggle to differentiate friends from acquaintances. For example, sometimes the people I would consider my closest friends (although admittedly not that close) suggest we are not even friends, and sometimes other people, who I don't feel I know to well or even like that much are like ' We're friends, right?'. Anyway, it sounds to me like we are similar people, too (except I'm a girl and I'm guessing you're not since you have a beard).