How can I stop obsessing over having Asperger's?

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Even though I am like 99.999999% sure that I have Asperger's, and if anyone asked me I would say I definitely do, I keep obsessing over whether or not I really have it. But looking back on my childhood it is kind of surprising to me that I didn't get diagnosed when I was like 3 or 4. The only common things with autism that I didn't have were stimming and speech delays; I did have severe meltdowns and sensory issues, as well as meeting most of the diagnostic criteria (definitely enough for a diagnosis). I even took the AQ at age 16 and scored somewhere in the high 30's, but I dismissed it because I knew for a fact nobody would believe me anyway, and I just forgot about it almost completely.

Anyone who actually knew me growing up (pretty much only my mom and a couple siblings) believes me. At first they were confused, because they were thinking of the stereotype and they didn't know the actual diagnostic criteria. But as soon as I told them that, as well as other common behaviors and issues among autistic people, they were just like, "Ooooh, yeah I see it now. I wonder why we never knew about it, because you used to [insert socially unacceptable behavior here]." Yeah, thanks for reminding me

I'm still going through the full evaluation and I probably won't get the results until January. I'm doing it just to be totally sure; it's still hard for me to fully accept, even though the evidence from my past and present is pretty compelling. I even had a psychologist tell me in our first appointment that he was 100% sure I had it, both from his observations of me during our appointment and from the packet he filled out based on my responses to his questions. But I keep thinking that I was somehow acting autistic intentionally to skew his observations, and exaggerating in my explanations, even though if I stop and force myself to only look at the facts, I can clearly see that's not true. I'm not good at acting for the purpose of manipulating people in the first place, and I remember exactly what I said and I definitely did not exaggerate.

I feel like getting something real and official that I can look at will give me more closure, as every day I feel like I'm constantly obsessing over finding more signs that I have it (ironically, another sign that I have it). One little thing, like being able to engage in social chit chat for 1 minute without stumbling over my words or saying something awkward, will make me start to question myself and I will have to go through all the evidence again, over and over, every day, even though I know I will come to the same conclusion that I always do. How can I stop doing that? Do I have to just wait until I get used to the idea? Or will I ever get used to it?

Just be patient. You'll stop wondering eventually, Dx or not.

Now if I could figure out how to stop obsessing over whether or not I'm "acting autistic" and compulsively hating myself, I'd write a book.

My screening tests were completed in January and February. I admit that it was a little strange for the first month or two after learning what the tests suggested, but I got comfortable with it after that. I believe that it will with you, too.

Besides, without obsessing about your Aspie-osity, would you then not be an Aspie? Hehe!

Last edited by AspieUtah on 29 Sep 2014, 4:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

TBH, I couldn't stop obsessing about it either until I got the result in 2009, despite feeling 100% sure that I was aspie.

Sorry that's not helpful.

I was in your shoes. But now I'm not sure that I should seek a diagnosis despite how much I would appreciate closure. www.reddit.com/r/howtonotgiveafuck would probably be helpful to you.

What you need to remember is that your big symptoms are what first lead you to believe this, not believing it leading to your big symptoms, if that makes sense. Perhaps you might think you have a trait that you don't right now, but those meltdowns and sensory issues and whatever other problems you had as a child were obviously real.

I think many, many people pick up some traits they don't really have or obsess and exaggerate/mistake a few regular brain flops for being aspie traits whether they admit it or not. Asperger's explains so many little things we all did but never thought twice about or thought were just 'weird' stuff we did, so I think it's rather easy and normal to jump to the assumption that anything slightly odd you do might really be your aspie-ness even if not. However, if you had those huge, main Asperger's traits that posed a problem in the past before you even knew what it was, you aren't lying to skew perception.

I think you'll probably feel better once you get your results. Just try to be patient as well as you can and recognize that that you AREN'T lying about the facts. The small stuff is very important as well, but maybe most of it is better off saved for linking to Asperger's after results in favor of focusing on the bigger stuff you know for sure isn't just you obsessing right now. Best of luck.

I see no reason to stop, unless it's interfering with homework or keeping you up nights and making you late for work or causing other problems. If you keep it within reasonable limits, no one who might use it against you needs to know. Rather than thinking of it as an obsession, call it a "special interest" and let it run its course. That might be two years or so. Let it include a lot of soul searching (a good thing), self-education, and helping others in places like WP. There doesn't have to be a down side. You might even end up changing your major and become a therapist.

Obsessing over a single narrow topic and freaking out over uncertainty sounds pretty autistic to me.

As hard the waiting is it is for the best that the assessment is done this thoroughly so that whatever the result is, it is the correct one. .

You just have to be patient with yourself. You'll probably stop obsessing eventually; at the worst, autism will become one of your special interests, which works out fine because autism is pretty interesting to study.

What you describe sounds more like OCD than anything. That is, the constant checking (either physically or mentally), over and over and over again. Some people worry about whether they have really turned the gas stove off or locked the door and go back to check 100 times, and still have doubts. With other people, it's purely mental. At a guess, I'd wager mental OCD is pretty common to Asperger's but don't know enough about it. (I keep meaning to buy Tony Atwood's book and read it. One of these days... -_-} I have it myself, but it's not particularly concentrated on my autism. It probably would be, if I didn't have Crohn's and my crappy hospital to obsess over, but I do, so it isn't.

That said, I had severe enough doubts about being autistic not to bother pursuing a diagnosis until this year. And even then, I had a head start because I was already in the mental health system and an adult autism clinic had, very conveniently, opened up in my area really recently. Got a diagnosis in early July, but even that didn't entirely allay my doubts. Oddly enough, it was Tony Atwood's section on Asperger's in girls (on his website) which really convinced me: for once I almost fitted a profile to an exact 't' instead of trying to cram a round peg into a square hole.

Chances are high you'll eventually come to believe/accept it. Having it doesn't change who you are, really.

Yeah, I think it already is. I don't think it's a bad thing though.

It takes up the single largest part of my thinking time by far, as well as other mental disorders in general, but mainly focused on autism; the closest second would be my other interests, the main one being singing, but that's more of something that I do all the time anyway, I don't think about it as much (though it is still a lot, like specific technique, how my voice actually works etc. usually only when I'm actually singing though).

Other than that, the only thing I do often is I will replay my favorite videos or TV shows in my head, mumbling the lines to myself, or laughing at the funny parts. Usually that's only when I'm at work, it keeps me from going crazy I think (as if I'm not already for doing it) some of my coworkers have said, "Stop talking to yourself!" I tried explaining that I'm actually not, and that I only truly talk to myself if I'm alone; that just seemed to weird them out more, which to be honest was kind of my intention

They're just jealous because they don't have a TV in their head.

I wouldn't worry about it too much; I spent two years before my diagnosis doing the exact same thing. Every move was scrutinized and catalogged as "aspie" or "not aspie". I drove myself crazy with it, but it finally stopped after getting my diagnosis. Don't be afraid of unintentionally portraying a false self to the doctor; the tests they give you are really hard for anyone to fake; often times they're observing you without your realising exactly what they're looking at, so false positives are very hard to come by.

Yeah, I find myself being constantly worried that on the tests I will somehow skew the results from what they would have been. Thing is, I have actually noticed what seems to be an increase in "Aspie behaviors". However, I have considered that there could be multiple reasons for this:

- I now know the traits, and I am exhibiting them more simply because I know how to look the part
- I now know the traits, and I am noticing them more in myself, whereas before I had no idea these behaviors were anything more than quirks, or even thought they were normal, but regardless have not actually changed much
- I now know the traits, and I no longer feel a need to consciously or subconsciously hide certain behaviors that I previously did; OR
- Some combination of 2, or all 3

When I consider the facts, I tend to believe that the first one is minimally, if at all, relevant in my recent behavior, and that most of my noticeable "changes" in behavior are due to noticing persistent behaviors more as well as feeling less inclined to hide them. Nobody else that I know has noticed a significant change in me, at least they haven't mentioned it. I think most of what I'm noticing is internal, I feel like I am thinking a bit differently, better in a way. Maybe this is due to the fact that I am putting less brain power into trying to hide abnormal behaviors; up until reading about Asperger's I was constantly obsessing about what others were thinking of my behaviors and how I could look and feel "normal". Now I feel like the opposite, I am obsessing over finding everything about me that is abnormal and filing it away as even more redundant proof of my Asperger's.

From what people have been saying it seems I will probably not let it go until I get the official evaluation completed, which is kind of what I was thinking already. Fortunately I will be done and have the results probably by January at the latest, so at least I won't have to wait too long. I'm just waiting for the call to get my next appointment scheduled, and I'm getting sort of impatient, because I don't want the slot I was waiting for to be filled by someone else. I already have to wait a whole two months since they are apparently completely booked until then, after which it will be another month before actually being ready to go over and discuss results with the psychologist. I know that isn't really long at all, but it feels like forever because I am constantly worrying about it, and yet I know I have months of this before I will get any results to stop my constant worrying.

Since you seem to be hung up on an official diagnosis, you may not be able to fully break your obsession about it until you have one come January.

In the meantime, if you haven't read it yet, read "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Dr. Tony Attwood. Once you read this book, you'll just know whether you do or don't have it. The descriptions of signs & symptoms are second to none, and while written by the Dr, he's obviously interviewed many Autistics and has managed to find out and convey very specific details about certain Autistic thought processes and behaviours. Once you read these things, you'll just know whether they describe you and your life's experiences or not.

Also just wanted to mention that I can relate to the whole "how could no one have known" sort of thing as I wondered the same thing about myself w/ my family (several of which have signs/symptoms themselves). Thing is that no one knew what the actual diagnostic criteria were for any of this. They only knew that something was different/not quite right, and my mother did make an effort to get me checked out and diagnosed as a kid.. but nothing ever came of that. It's not as if my family didn't try, or yours didn't.. it's simply that no one knew any better. So, there's no reason or any blame or resentment - our parents & families did the very best they could with what they knew. Fortunately, we've managed to learn a heck of a lot more about ourselves for ourselves.

I was diagnosed recently and I still can't stop obsessing about it. I'm worried all the time. I really hope it gets better for you once you're diagnosed.